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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Asked to leave

25 replies

imaserioussillybilly · 02/07/2023 19:19

Hi this is going to be looooong winded and I'm really sorry.

Been with partner 13 years 3 girls. Ups and downs as usual.

He owns the house from buying from a friend when we needed a new home. We was offered a council house we'd both be in. He declined told me I was to go on my own so I relented and we moved here.

Fast forward to last year. He was speaking about a girl and told the person not to tell me. I got told. Two weeks of not speaking and told "you know I don't care about you your thick to think I did" after two weeks still living there but putting my big girl pants on and getting me and the girls through it. He panicked. Told me he was sorry didn't mean it and I fell back into it. It was beautiful for a few months but then same old usual routine which I'm under no illusion is normal.

Fast forward to the last four months. Lack of emotion towards me. Won't touch me unless having rare sex. Sitting in different rooms. Absent sex life. Rude in how he speaks to me "your so over the top" ruined days out due to hangovers that I'd scrimped and saved to do. I finally said how I felt last weekend. I'm under appreciated, over worked and I feel extremely upset. Im not on the house at all it's all his, car. Im a SAHM until youngest starts nursery. Today I said I feel it's still weird between us he's turns around and told me to "move out then" and your a "freak"

Am I being over sensitive or a whinge bag? I have hardly any money but he works long hours. I'm at home so he can work and reduce our childcare costs and he can work as much as he wantsI'm at a loss for words and if I'm honest I'm hurt I break my back everyday. I have no security because I'm not on the house. Has said he'll never marry me... so now what?

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 02/07/2023 19:23

Are you married? On the mortgage? I think you’re on somewhat dodgy ground if not re staying in the house, but hopefully someone more knowledgable will be along soon.

YoSof · 02/07/2023 19:24

If you’re not married, not on the deeds and not making significant contributions then yes, you have no security.

Is council housing still an option? You need to do everything you can to find secure accommodation because this man is vile and could leave you homeless.

TwoFourSixEightNeverTooLate · 02/07/2023 19:25

Leave.

Dont stay and accept being treated like that. You wouldn’t want your girls to be treated in this way by their future partners, don’t accept it for yourself.

So sorry you are dealing with this

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 19:28

In your shoes id stay and get myself in a better financial position. Squirrel money away. Not sure how it works but also get on the social housing waiting lists. And get a job to fit round the kids.

Starlightstarbright2 · 02/07/2023 19:29

He has shown you who he is.

you do not deserve this . How old is youngest ? Do you have a job to return to ?

I would get myself ready to leave .

AllyArty · 02/07/2023 19:33

Get legal advise. You might find that you have more rights if u stay there. He sounds like a sh*t and u and your lovely girls don't need to be around someone like that. And I'm sorry to say this but my first thought is that he has someone else - is he on his phone a lot?

alittleadvicepls · 02/07/2023 19:33

Stay for now but plan to leave. Not sure how you’ll be able to put enough money for accomodation but maybe you’ll be eligible for some benefit? Stay put until you have a solid plan.

user1471453601 · 02/07/2023 19:50

@Cherrysoup the opening poster clearly says that she's not on the mortgage and he has said he will never marry her.

I can understand not reading a full and busy thread, but not reading the opening post? Odd

Hollyppp · 02/07/2023 19:53

Stay for now but get your ducks in a row behind his back. Get on the council house waiting list, speak to citizens advice.

raindrops21 · 02/07/2023 20:05

You should still be entitled to something as you staying at home is enabling him to work so you are therefore contributing to the household! Stay out don't move out and get proper legal advice before you do anything!

raindrops21 · 02/07/2023 20:06

raindrops21 · 02/07/2023 20:05

Meant stay put, sorry

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 20:11

raindrops21 · 02/07/2023 20:05

If they're not married and house is in his sole name then I don't think she's legally entitled to anything. Worth double checking but don't get your hopes up on that front OP.

Original poster

imaserioussillybilly · 02/07/2023 21:06

raindrops21 · 02/07/2023 20:05

Thank you so much everyone I don't know how to post without quoting. I've become to realise sometimes no matter how much you give someone they won't change. I won't hurry to leave but I will save and come September I should be working. I will look into citizens advice and get me and the girls security. I just can't get over how stupid I am but I guess love makes you think less logically. Thank you all again.

OP posts:

Gallese · 02/07/2023 21:46

I'm confused here - if it's his house and he wants her to leave how can she stay?

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 21:49

She can exhaust the process @Gallese. See how serious he is about it. If he really wants her to leave then yes, she will have no option, but I'd hazard a guess he's just throwing his weight around.

OP, speak to your local Housing Advice team but I personally wouldnt move out until I was forced to.

LavanderSmellsLovely · 02/07/2023 21:51

The age old story. This is why marriage is so important. Get independent legal advice.

Gallese · 02/07/2023 21:52

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 21:49

She can exhaust the process @Gallese. See how serious he is about it. If he really wants her to leave then yes, she will have no option, but I'd hazard a guess he's just throwing his weight around.

OP, speak to your local Housing Advice team but I personally wouldnt move out until I was forced to.

Thankyou for explaining- that's potentially a really tough option to take but useful to know it exists.

Valeriekat · 02/07/2023 21:54

Cherrysoup · 02/07/2023 19:23

Are you married? On the mortgage? I think you’re on somewhat dodgy ground if not re staying in the house, but hopefully someone more knowledgable will be along soon.

Did you bother reading anything?

twinmum2022 · 02/07/2023 21:54

@imaserioussillybilly hang in there, wait as long as you can and get your ducks in a row. Then just go. You and your girls will be so much happier in the long run and in my experience this type of behaviour from him only escalates.

Do you have any family or friends you trust to lean on for support?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 21:55

Unless he’s actually throwing you out, which he hopefully isn’t, try and mentally and emotionally detach and plan to leave on your own terms relying on nothing but child maintenance from him. You’re aware of how vulnerable you and your children are so no point labouring the point, focus on how to create a more stable and secure future. Do you have skills and recent experience you can fall back on for work?

Original poster

imaserioussillybilly · 02/07/2023 21:56

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 21:49

She can exhaust the process @Gallese. See how serious he is about it. If he really wants her to leave then yes, she will have no option, but I'd hazard a guess he's just throwing his weight around.

OP, speak to your local Housing Advice team but I personally wouldnt move out until I was forced to.

I think it's a case of a empty threat but thank you all so much I will look at all options.

OP posts:

piedbeauty · 02/07/2023 22:00

He's a complete dickhead. He's treating you with a complete lack of respect. You deserve better!

This is why women need to get married - for security.

See a solicitor or Citizens Advice, e what you'd be entitled to. Good luck.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/07/2023 22:18

Firstly disengage emotionally as much as you can
Even if he says sorry now, I think it's likely to happen again
You and your DD's need and deserve security and he holds all the power here
I would put yourself on the council list asap
CAB is a good plan for benefits advice.You might actually find you do fine until youngest goes to nursery/ school
He will also be obliged to pay maintenance for his DC
I think you've done well to see the position you're in. Not everyone wants to see it

Daffodil18 · 02/07/2023 22:20

someone I know was in this position so they just emptied the house of all of the furnishings whilst he was at work. Think how much that would cost for you to start again so even though you can’t get any security from the bricks, you are entitled to the things inside. Good luck x

honeylulu · 02/07/2023 23:01

I'd call his bluff and say ok I'm leaving but I'll have to start from scratch in a house share so the kids are staying here with you. I'll see them when I can. Good luck. Watch him back pedalling so fast he catches on fire ...

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