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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm worried my friend is an alcoholic

22 replies

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 18:02

I'm really looking for advice in a difficult situation!

I'm in a house share with a friend who I'm really concerned is an alcoholic. Works in restaurants so lots of late nights and post work nights out with her coworkers. She's always drank a lot but it's definitely gotten worse over the last few months.

I've noticed lately she's been taking alcohol of mine from a kitchen cupboard and replacing it without telling me she's done it. Not super bothered about the alcohol really, as long as it's replaced it's fine but to take something without asking and replace it without saying is concerning right?

Her level of hygiene in terms of her living space is almost zero, I take care of the shared spaces myself (which is mostly fine) but her room is a total mess with dirty dishes, rubbish and empty alcohol bottles everywhere. I rarely go into her room btw I only do when I'm looking for a shared object which she sometimes leaves in her bedroom.

What can I do? Do I bring it up to her? I know she'll be upset and defensive and I've got a lot going on in my personal life that makes me not want to get into a conflict but I'm worried about her well-being and it's also not a great living environment for either of us.

OP posts:

GuttedAgai · 02/07/2023 19:53

You could ask her if there is anything wrong as you have noticed she's changing and maybe not coping or not on top of things as she was before.

Leave the alcohol out of it for now as she drinks for a reason. AA don't define alcoholism as what you drink or when or how much - but by the negative impact on the relationships of the people around you.

So if you can say you are finding your friendship distancing etc then that is a start.

However it's important to know that you can't control it or cure it and you didn't cause it.

You can sign post her to services if she asks but don't get drawn into a co-dependent dynamic.

Move out and move on from your friendship if her behaviours escalate.

gloriousmulch · 02/07/2023 19:57

Well, ultimately she's responsible for herself...her own drinking, her own levels of personal hygiene. You could ask her if she's OK etc, show some concern towards her, but I can't imagine you'll change her. I'd be looking for a way to end the house share I think.

Original poster

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 20:04

I suppose the alcohol thing is definitely causing the poor hygiene and that's the thing that impacts me the most as I have noticed a bit of an odour from her bedroom which isn't great for me. I am worried about her though because I think her relationship with alcohol is definitely negatively impacting her life.

All she really does is work, sleep and drink. I think as a friend, I want to help her if I can but I know I can't solve her problems. I really don't want to move out as I absolutely love every other aspect of my current living situation

OP posts:

Original poster

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 20:06

It's feels very difficult to approach someone to tell them they have poor hygiene, how do you even have that conversation

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Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 02/07/2023 20:11

Is she young?

Sounds like she's around 20, working and enjoying herself (or at least thinking she is). It's quite common if so. She'll probably grow up, get more sense and stop living that way.

You need to decide if you can continue living with someone like that tho!

Original poster

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 20:18

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie she's 25. It is the kind that I think is normal as a student or someone who's just moved away from their parents and I'm certainly not a perfect person but I feel this maybe goes beyond the normal having fun behaviour

OP posts:

SparklingLime · 02/07/2023 20:18

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 20:06

It's feels very difficult to approach someone to tell them they have poor hygiene, how do you even have that conversation

GuttedAgai gave you some good suggestions.

Original poster

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 20:24

@GuttedAgai you make very good points! I think I will try and have a conversation of some sorts asking if she's okay and saying I've noticed she seems like she's been struggling with how much she's been working but I'm also very sure that she's going to say she's fine and brush it off. I don't know if there's anything I can do beyond that but I wish I could.

I would really like to clean up her room for her because a clean space just makes you feel so much better but I can't think of how to offer that without embarrassing her.

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BIWI · 02/07/2023 20:28

I don't think you should go into her room/clean her room - that's her territory. But nothing wrong with asking her if she's OK.

Marchintospring · 02/07/2023 20:36

I think a lot of us heavy drinkers are all or nothing. She’s probably thing she’s doing “ work hard, play hard”.
Maybe you can encourage a radical healthy living / deep clean/ something else type overall for you both. Say you’d like to do a massive house declutter to make work and living easier and hope she’s inspired to do the same with her room?

Allmyghosts · 02/07/2023 20:36

The only thing you trying to talk to her about it is going to achieve is to make things awkward. She's a grown up and can do what she wants, if it's not inconveniencing you, then leave it. She obviously knows.

Original poster

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 21:27

@BIWI oh I'm not going in for a nosy or anything, I'd rather not go in to be honest but occasionally I have to if shared objects are left in there. I'd also never actually clean it, I just wish I could!

OP posts:

GuttedAgai · 02/07/2023 21:32

Don't judge her drinking but assume it's an unhealthy coping strategy for either unresolved childhood issues or current problems - relationships / work pressure etc.

Could also be 'normal' and environmental in that type of work / lifestyle.

Are you aware of any emotional issues?

Is it solely alcohol or is there possibly other substances?

Original poster

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 21:32

@Allmyghosts my worry is that she doesn't know, we have spoken about her drinking before, a few months ago, and she said she didn't think she drank too much because she can always function the next day, doesn't miss work because of it etc

I've never dealt with any sort of addiction to be honest but I figured denial was a pretty classic part of it. I do think it would make things awkward if I brought it up though and I don't want to risk my living environment.

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Original poster

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 21:35

@GuttedAgai oh it's definitely the norm in the working environment, I've never worked hospitality but from what I hear there's a lot of that sort of thing. Long hours, late nights etc

Unfortunately it's not just drinking, there's coke as well but I don't know how often.

I'm not judging her at all, she's my friend and I care about it. I just think to live the way she is she must not be happy and I wish I could help more than I think she will let me.

OP posts:

susie25 · 02/07/2023 21:36

Agree with @GuttedAgai

What I would do is this:

Catch her in a good moment and ask her if she’s ok because you’ve noticed she’s been struggling a bit recently. If she opens up then she may say she’s been using alcohol to cope but don’t lead with the alcohol, lead with your concern for her generally.

If she flatly refuses to admit anything then I’d just say “ok, well you know I am here if you ever feel like a chat- I care about you”

Thats really all you can do. People with addictions have to recognise they need help and have a problem in order for any treatment to be successful. Sadly, it often takes hitting rock bottom for some people to realise that. But maybe your words will plant a seed in her.

FedUp847 · 02/07/2023 21:36

Have a look at the mental health first aid guidelines. She may not be in crisis yet, but it gives some ideas about how to broach the conversation.

https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2019/04/how-to-help-someone-with-alcohol-use-disorder/#:~:text=LISTEN%20nonjudgmentally%3A%20If%20the%20person,person%20with%20respect%20and%20dignity.

How to Help Someone With Alcohol Use Disorder - Mental Health First Aid

You’ve probably had a glass of wine after a long and stressful day. Many of us have. But for 15.1 million adults in the United States, this one glass of wine has become an alcohol use disorder that is harder to control. And among those struggling with...

https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2019/04/how-to-help-someone-with-alcohol-use-disorder/#:~:text=LISTEN%20nonjudgmentally%3A%20If%20the%20person,person%20with%20respect%20and%20dignity.

silverfullmoon · 02/07/2023 21:38

a few months ago, and she said she didn't think she drank too much because she can always function the next day, doesn't miss work because of it etc

She knows. Trust me, she knows. This is her self denial talking. Deep down she knows. Even if she can function the next day I guarantee she’s feeling like shit and using alcohol to stave off the effects from the night before. She knows it’s a problem but likely isn’t able to accept it yet.

Original poster

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 21:39

I've also considered maybe reaching out to her partner about it. I'm good friends with her girlfriend but she works long hours too and doesn't come over very often so I don't think she really knows the extent of things. But is that crossing a line? It's all coming from a place of love but I don't want her to think I've betrayed her trust. I think her girlfriend might be able to do more than I could though

OP posts:

silverfullmoon · 02/07/2023 21:45

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 21:39

I would only consider doing this if she was putting herself at risk of serious harm - eg drunk driving, black outs and getting lost walking home, falling asleep on the toilet regularly etc. Otherwise I think you need to be very careful about this as it could blow up in your face and she could be furious you went behind her back. Equally if her girlfriend doesn’t know it could affect their relationship.

Try talking to her first.

GuttedAgai · 02/07/2023 21:55

I agree try talking to her again....in a non judgmental way.....not about the drink or drugs but about how she is feeling or coping in general.

Coke is a bigger worry in terms of risk of money issues maybe?

Maybe check in with her regularly.

Original poster

capresesalad · 02/07/2023 22:12

Lots of good and helpful advice. I think I'm going to ask her to go for lunch with me sometime soon and try to start a conversation about how she is.

We are on opposite shifts so we don't get to spend too much time together and I think I've possibly not been putting the effort into our friendship that I should have. Maybe even helping her break the routine she's in will help a little, or at least make her feel comfortable enough to know she can lean on me if needs be.

OP posts:

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