Centering her own feelings when I'm hurt

[Randomnamehere]

A friend has recently been acting in ways that make me uncomfortable. Twice when I've tried to explain how I feel (both over text as we were physically apart when it came up), her response was essentially to say that her feelings were hurt by me saying she hurt my feelings. The discussion then became about minimising what she had done, and focused on how I expressed myself wrongly (I didn't call names or swear or anything, just expressed that I felt let down). I didn't want to argue (her response seemed so unreasonable and removed from the issue that I didn't see the point of pursuing it) so I ended the discussion on a friendly manner and let it go at the time.

I feel like she is centering her feelings so much that mine don't matter, even though I'm the one with the original complaint. I feel like it's a defence mechanism for her, which seems to be triggered by any criticism of her actions.

I want to have a face to face discussion soon about the things that make me uncomfortable. Does anyone have any advice on the best way to navigate the conversation? I don't want an argument with her, or to drop her, I want to try to resolve this first.

Are there any phrases I should avoid using, or should make sure to include, so I don't get derailed?

Does anyone recognise this behaviour in themselves and have suggestions that would help my central message come across usefully without hurting her?

You’ve answered your own question You aren’t establishing boundaries. “I’m sorry you feel hurt and I take that on board but i’d like to discuss…

I bet she’s doing this because you back down and don’t assert yourself. You don’t have to be rude to be assertive.

So just acknowledge that she feels hurt and go back to the issue at hand? I think I made the error of defending my choice of words too much last time, trying to reason with her to see that I'm allowed to express hurt, instead of pursuing the original issue. That started a back-and-forth about my phrasing and tone etc. But I think I was just very taken aback by the way the conversation shifted, as this person told me before that she is good at conflict resolution etc.

I don't know why you think she'll take responsibility face to face if she hasn't the last two times you've tried to raise it by text message. I'd guess she'd take it even worse face to face and it will go even more badly.
I think you have to either accept she'll never be to blame for anything (typical of people with low self esteem) or start backing away from the friendship.