Am I over reacting or is it a suspicious text?

[indie12345]

I am on holiday with my boyfriend of 5 years.
We have both put weight on and he keeps standing infront of the full length mirror saying how fat he is, look at his belly etc. (He hasn't got a full length mirror so said he didn't realise he was that big, but we both know there's no problems with attraction to each other)
We came back from the pool and took our swimwear off. He sat on the bed naked, in front of the mirror and i took the first shower. While I was in the shower he took a photo of himself in the mirror and sent it to me. The photo was unflattering and in the position he would normally sit on the bed so at first I thought it was probably him making a joke out of the mirror but Because he doesn't normally send photos like that I was worried it was meant for someone else.
I asked him why he sent it and he laughed and said 'have you seen how fat I am?' Then I asked if it was meant for me and he said 'yeah course it is'. He didn't seem phased or uncomfortable in his response. We argued about it and he said it was meant be a funny joke (we both joke at ourselves a lot and the mirror had been a focal point this holiday) he can't believe I'd think it was for another woman and sees it as a totally innocent joke that I'm over reacting too. He let me look at his texts, apps, contacts etc and there is nothing there to indicate cheating, and nothing else in our relationship to indicate cheating.
I think a potential trigger is my ex cheating on me- once he sent me a nude (when he didn't normally) and talked his way out of it- I later found it was sent to multiple women.
So now I'm worried my current boyfriend accidentally sent me a photo meant for another woman. But I can also see that there could be a valid innocent explanation now, as the context is OK (standing infront of mirror laughing at fat belly and he had valid reason be naked, plus the photo was unflattering) and his reaction when I asked him was totally relaxed and normal.
Am I blowing this out of proportion and making a problem that isn't there?

He needs to leave your paraniod ass and find a relationship with less baggage brought into it.

You went through his phone!?

Christ.

He said himself that he feels unhappy with his weight. Sending it to another woman completely makes sense when he's unhappy with how he looks and it's an unflattering picture.

Give your head a wobble ffs and stop looking through his phone.

I'd be pissed if I was him... basically he was insecure, sent a pic as a joke and/or to get a bit of reassurance, and it was turned around into a potential cheating thing.

If this was a pic of you showing off your squidgy bits and he asked to go through your phone because clearly that was meant for another man... wow.

I'd feel way less comfortable opening up to you after this.

She didn't 'go through his phone', he showed her.

@indie12345

I'm really not sure why people are being so unpleasant to you. It's natural to develop different patterns/boundaries/insecurities according to the experiences you've had in life. The key isn't to change yourself (unless this is an ongoing pattern that's wrecking your life), but to meet someone that you feel safe with.

He sounds great, tbh, OP.

Able to laugh at himself and he clearly trusts you to have sent you an unflattering photo of himself in the nud!

I think you're over reacting too 😉

Unless there's more to the story/things you haven't shared about your bf that could actually point to cheating....there is absolutely nothing in this scenario that should have caused you to think the photo was intended for someone else. On it's own, it isn't normal that you jumped to that conclusion and caused a fight over it. And this is coming from someone who's ex husband was regularly unfaithful (so I do understand how you feel).

I hope that you can find a way to work through the insecurities caused by your former relationship because otherwise there is real risk of damaging your current one if you make a habit of this (by all means, question something if it's clearly suspicious, but I just can't follow the logic on why you think he meant to send an unflattering photo of himself to anyone other than you, especially if this behaviour hasn't been combined with anything else).

He's comfortable enough with you to poke fun at himself - you're making a mountain out of a potbelly

You sound completely bonkers

I‘m the first to spot red flags and there are none here.

It’s very easy to be triggered when you have a memory like the nude pic, but your boyfriend sounds like he was genuinely trying to make you laugh.

Explain the memory and how your fight, freeze or flight response was triggered. Apologise and carry on enjoying your relationship with a man who can make fun of himself!

And sending a hug, a trigger like this is not easy to move on from. I hope he has enough empathy to get that.

I had the same situation with my ex so I automatically felt like I was in that situation again.
I just found it strange he sent a nude photo when he never normally does (just like my ex), so jumped to it must be for someone else, not the innocent explanation of having a laugh about looking fat in the mirror.

@indie12345 it really is understandable to anyone who has been through the trauma of cheating, and your inability to see this incident clearly is also totally normal. You will need to have a very honest conversation with him about what you experienced, as he does need to understand why you reacted like you did. You also need to work on those triggers, although as someone who has not yet conquered hers I’m not 100% sure how you do that!

So unkind.

He let you look through everything on his phone? I'd have taken the next flight home to gather my belongings personally.

You've way overreacted, OP.

Agreed. I’d be considering the future of the relationship if this happened to me.

While I agree with this to an extent, having been in the other side of this, its very difficult to be the mistrusted person. Imagine your partner seriously thinking you're cheating because you make a joke (a joke that very very few people would see that way) then, despite giving them full access to your phone, it's still not enough. Which it isn't, or OP wouldn't be seeking further reassurance here. So in a nutshell, your holiday and relationship now has a cloud hanging over it because you made a joke. If this is a pattern it's an exhausting and upsetting way to live for the other person, waiting for the next time an inadvertent action causes the other shoe to drop.
So, I think the ideal for the OP is not just to accept his reassurance, but to try to have a little empathy for how he might feel constantly having to offer it, care about his feelings too, then make a plan to manage her behaviour. Perhaps sense checking with a trusted person before challenging him would be a start.

Yes, it's hard for both parties, @5128gap , but you're projecting here

your holiday and relationship now has a cloud hanging over it because you made a joke

Dealing with your own/your partner's insecurities can be a team effort, rather than 'You showed your feelings and it's spoiled the holiday'. It's really not a good idea to speak to someone else before you speak to your partner about something like this. If they can handle it, then they're the right partner for you, and if they can't, that's up to them. But not being told about it whilst it was happening would involve lying about feeling ok, pretending that nothing was wrong when there actually was, and not being open.

Feelings don't need 'sense checking'. They're not meant to make sense. They are supposed to be respected and cared for, by both parties. Of course OP needs to be mindful of how he feels, but how would it feel if your partner was having feelings of insecurity about your behaviour, and told someone else all about it first? I wouldn't like it if my partner did that; we talk about our feelings openly, even if they're difficult ones.

@Watchkeys I don't know whether I'm projecting, as I think I'm describing what would be a fairly typical level of discomfort for someone in the OPs partners position. Perhaps I'm wrong and he's a more resilient person than I.
And of course the OP can continue to act this way and if he doesn't like it he can leave, but I'm thinking maybe that wouldn't be her desired outcome, so some change on her part be necessary to avoid it, as well as out of consideration for him.
When I say sense checking I'm not referring to feelings, but events. The OP has started this thread and been advised pretty unanimously that it's highly unlikely the thing she fears is correct. She aknowledges herself that her perceptions are skewed by her past experience and when we know this, an objective second opinion can be helpful.
Obviously the OP can continue to make her partner the first port of call to help her gain perspective, but not only does that place a great deal of pressure on him if she does this a lot, but clearly his reassurance isnt enough for her anyway.
I take your point that speaking to someone else isn't ideal, but speaking to him didn't work, and I genuinely don't see what more he could have done here.