I'd really appreciate some advice if anyone could help!
I've been married to DH for twenty years. We have two children, both teenagers - one has ASD, one has ADHD. DH has long history of depression and anxiety. He has had anger issues and mood swings throughout our relationship.
I was a SAHM mainly due to looking after our DC with SEN. I did try to work when the DC were small, but I also have ADHD and found working, as well as looking after DC and dealing with DH's mental health overwhelming, so I stopped. DH also did very little at home.
Fast forward to today - my DH has been signed off work with burnout. He is very happy not working, and seems to have almost given up. He is early fifties. He spends most of the day doing hobbies. We still have a mortgage and teenage children. He is currently getting sick pay from his work. When the sick pay ends he says he is going to work the minimum amount possible to meet our expenses, so he can have as much time off as possible. When our youngest is 18 he wants to move to a very cheap area of the country and downsize.
I have just got a new job, £20k per year. It starts in a few week's time.
I have been considering separation from my DH for a few years and now I just feel I can't take living with him any more. I can't deal with the anger, blame, disengagement and mental health problems. He has told me that he is not in love with me any more, but loves me as part of the family. He is usually fairly cold and detached with me, and quick to anger.
I feel this whole thing is insurmountable. We have around 600k equity in our current house. However, the house is in a bit of a state, and needs a lot doing to it. The garden is big and very overgrown. When we moved here, I tried my hardest to do everything up, but my DH refused to do anything and got angry if I employed anyone to help eg painter or gardener. So over the years I have also lost motivation and now everywhere is a mess. If I ever did anything my DH would question why I was doing it, so I stopped doing anything.
I have asked DH to move out for a couple of weeks to give us both a bit of space but he refused "That's not fair! Why should I leave MY house?"
I understand, but equally he is doing very little to engage with me and the children, whereas I am very engaged with them.
I feel so desperate - what do I do?
I don't know whether or not to start this job as then he would be be seen as the primary carer (given that he is now not working) and would I have to be the one to leave the family home if I wanted to split up?
Do I try to get the house and garden ready for selling - I just don't think it would sell in this state. But then if I am working full time plus doing all the housework/ stuff with children at the weekends, I think it would be hard to do that as well.
Could I go on the list for a council property? Although if I will eventually get around £300k from the sale of the house, I expect I wouldn't be eligible.
And I'm not sure how I would support me and the children when my job is only going to earn £20k, but I guess DH would pay maintenance? I am sure he would want a 50:50 split, so not sure if he would need to pay maintenance.
Not to mention I still feel conflicted about whether it's the right thing to do, as I think the DC would be devastated, and on his "good" days DH can be nice and kind. But then the "good" days don't last for long. I'm also worried about how I would cope financially.
If anyone has any advice I'd be really grateful.