AIBU | Mumsnet

stunning71 · 2023-07-01T19:06:58+00:00

So my DH mother passed away last year and he inherited her house along with his sister. He has said he doesn’t want to sell the house because it’s the only thing he has left of his mum. We live in a rented house and selling the house would help us get on the property ladder . So I’ve basically told him that if he won’t sell it he can go and live in it on his own… AIBU to do this ? I’m just so frustrated that he doesn’t want a better life for our family ! He just doesn’t see my point of view at all .

FarmGirl78 · 01/07/2023 20:24

Tell him that it's the memories of the house that are important, not the actual building. He either needs to buy his sister out so you all can move there, or sell up to put his inheritance to use for his family. Its you, his family, that matters now. What's the alternative? That he just lets it stand there, not being lived in, not being repaired and falling into disrepair and ruin?

Obviously you know this, but by not using the inheritance where it's needed tell him he's jepordising his own current family.

Could he do a walk round video of the house, recording its layout? Have some time there by himself saying goodbye to it? Has he been back since? Or spent time with his sister there sharing memories? If he's just shutting things out completely it sounds like he would benefit from grief counseling.

Original poster

stunning71 · 01/07/2023 20:41

Thanks, I have said to him about the memories not being in the house . He just can’t bear to part with it, (complicated family history) his sister is currently living in the house and he uses her as an excuse. She is happy for the house to be sold , he is just not prepared to and keeps saying it’s too soon .

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/07/2023 20:58

I wouldn't rush him
But you need a longer term plan, eg will it be rented and then you can use that income? Could you live in it together with sister while you save up a deposit?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/07/2023 20:59

But equally give him time to grieve his mum

WonderfulUsername · 01/07/2023 21:04

Oh God leave the poor bloke alone!

It's been a year, his mother is barely cold.

Give him time to grieve and let him sort it in his own time, without pushing him.

Original poster

stunning71 · 01/07/2023 21:44

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/07/2023 20:58

I wouldn't rush him
But you need a longer term plan, eg will it be rented and then you can use that income? Could you live in it together with sister while you save up a deposit?

Thanks for your balanced reply, I’m trying to tread very carefully and I’m very respectful of the fact he is still grieving . It was him that initially said he was putting the house on the market but has gone back on what he said . I’ve not given him timelines , I just said that if the house was that important to him he should maybe go and live in it .

OP posts:

DiddyHeck · 01/07/2023 22:06

stunning71 · 01/07/2023 21:44

Thanks for your balanced reply, I’m trying to tread very carefully and I’m very respectful of the fact he is still grieving . It was him that initially said he was putting the house on the market but has gone back on what he said . I’ve not given him timelines , I just said that if the house was that important to him he should maybe go and live in it .

Show quote history

I’m trying to tread very carefully and I’m very respectful of the fact he is still grieving

But also

I just said that if the house was that important to him he should maybe go and live in it

Which is it?? Because it certainly can't be both!

Original poster

stunning71 · 01/07/2023 22:24

DiddyHeck · 01/07/2023 22:06

I’m trying to tread very carefully and I’m very respectful of the fact he is still grieving

But also

I just said that if the house was that important to him he should maybe go and live in it

Which is it?? Because it certainly can't be both!

Show quote history

How can it not be both ? I can be respectful of his grief but also want what’s best for my family because the house is not where his memories are , selling a house will not stop him having lots of good memories of his mother !

OP posts:

DiddyHeck · 01/07/2023 22:32

It can't be both because telling someone who's grieving for their parent, if the house was that important to him he should maybe go and live in it is both petulant and childish.

It's certainly not respectful.

Just hang tight until he's ready to decide what to do with his own mother's property.

Original poster

stunning71 · 01/07/2023 22:41

DiddyHeck · 01/07/2023 22:32

It can't be both because telling someone who's grieving for their parent, if the house was that important to him he should maybe go and live in it is both petulant and childish.

It's certainly not respectful.

Just hang tight until he's ready to decide what to do with his own mother's property.

Okay thanks

OP posts:

growgrowinggrown · 01/07/2023 22:53

If a woman was on here saying her DH was demanding how she spent her inheritance they'd be getting their arse handed to them and rightly so.

Regardless of the amount of time, it's his inheritance and he can choose to 'spend' it however he wants, the same way he can't dictate what you do with what your parents leave you.

WonderfulUsername · 01/07/2023 23:11

growgrowinggrown · 01/07/2023 22:53

If a woman was on here saying her DH was demanding how she spent her inheritance they'd be getting their arse handed to them and rightly so.

Regardless of the amount of time, it's his inheritance and he can choose to 'spend' it however he wants, the same way he can't dictate what you do with what your parents leave you.

I agree. I know it's nice to have a gift that means you can get on the property ladder, but the OP really needs to calm down and stop trying to control this situation when it's not her money and it wasn't her mother.

Fubar01 · 01/07/2023 23:13

I can see your point especially if he said he was going to sell it and then he changed his mind. You just have to give him more time I suppose.

Equalitea · 10/07/2023 06:37

It’s his inheritance from his mum. She died. If she was still alive then you’d still be renting. It’s only been a year. You would like you’re being unkind and pushy. What’s a year of five, you wouldn’t have been able to move if she wasn’t dead. Eventually you’ll be able to sell it and buy? Have you thought that perhaps he doesn’t want to buy a house with you?

Leafyhouse · 10/07/2023 06:42

I think the general consensus is YABU, OP. But the principle is fine. Just give it time.

Campervangirl · 10/07/2023 06:42

My mum died last year and I bought my dsis's out of her house and now I live in it, it's actually a comfort to be in my mum's house plus all the family including me still call it nans house which is nice.
Would that be an option, but his dsis out?

Fubar01 · 10/07/2023 12:23

Equalitea · 10/07/2023 06:37

It’s his inheritance from his mum. She died. If she was still alive then you’d still be renting. It’s only been a year. You would like you’re being unkind and pushy. What’s a year of five, you wouldn’t have been able to move if she wasn’t dead. Eventually you’ll be able to sell it and buy? Have you thought that perhaps he doesn’t want to buy a house with you?

It’s more about the fact that he said it was going to be sold and would be put on the market after Christmas and he then decided that he didn’t want to sell it ! We looked at houses and saw a mortgage broker and then he changed his mind . As for not wanting to buy a house with it was his idea so …..

Equalitea · 10/07/2023 14:32

He has changed his mind.
It’s ok to be disappointed but it’s his decision.