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Original poster

To tell FWB I’m dating…or not?

24 replies

StatuteOfLibertines · 01/07/2023 19:30

Currently in a FWB/situationship of almost a year.

It’s a virtual thing, we’ve never met in person, which might sound weird but it works for us. We chat everyday about anything and everything and have great

There’s sometimes talk of meeting in person but for various reasons we’ve never taken the plunge, and I’m not sure that’s likely to change.

I'm perfectly happy with the situation as it is at the moment, but my circumstances are likely to change over the next year and I am thinking of trying online dating at some point.

Not sure whether I should give FWB the heads up from the outset, or just tell him if/when I meet someone. I’m not going to be looking for hook ups and it could take god knows how long to meet someone who’s a real contender so it seems daft to give up something we both enjoying on the off chance.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
nauseatedsidney · 01/07/2023 19:45

He's not your bf you don't need to tell him anything

Name99 · 01/07/2023 20:40

Your not in a relationship with him so you don't need to say anything at all

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/07/2023 20:59

Agree

Redglitter · 01/07/2023 21:02

Its really not even a FWB set up at the moment. I wouldn't mention it

Iamclearlyamug · 01/07/2023 21:05

But it's not even friends with benefits is it? If you haven't even met you're not sleeping together so where is the 'benefits' part?

I don't think you need to tell him, there's no loyalty there 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
StatuteOfLibertines · 01/07/2023 21:33

Iamclearlyamug · 01/07/2023 21:05

But it's not even friends with benefits is it? If you haven't even met you're not sleeping together so where is the 'benefits' part?

I don't think you need to tell him, there's no loyalty there 🤷‍♀️

We have phones and excellent communication skills 😁

FWIW we have a great connection in general (obviously there are people that don’t think that’s possible without meeting which is fair enough, but we’re all different) which I think is why it feels a bit dishonest.

But on the whole my thought is also that it’s a non issue. Have just never been in this situation before.

OP posts:
guineacup · 02/07/2023 00:25

My understanding is that the definition of FWB is someone you are friends with and who you have sex with, but where there are no romantic connections and no expectation that you won't develop those romantic connections with others.

They seem to be very prevalent if MN are anything to go by, but IRL, they seem to be rare, and even rarer for them to work out as one or other seems to generate feelings over time...

I really don't see how you can characterise your arrangement as FWB?

I'm presuming you have phone sex? And if it was a genuine FWB situation, he wouldn't care if you dated because he has no interest in a relationship with you, so I'm not sure why you feel the need to tell him.

I'm not sure what you call what you have,
or even what it is, but I wouldn't call it a FWB situation.

Kinneddar · 02/07/2023 00:58

The benefits part of a FWB is sex. No strings sex. If you haven't even met & don't have plans to he's really not a FWB & you owe him nothing

TrustThePlan · 02/07/2023 01:06

Kinneddar · 02/07/2023 00:58

The benefits part of a FWB is sex. No strings sex. If you haven't even met & don't have plans to he's really not a FWB & you owe him nothing

Yeah, this was an odd way of putting that relationship. You have a penpal, at most here.

MaxwellCat · 02/07/2023 01:28

odd set up and no he isn’t your ‘FWB’ you don’t have to tell him anything

Imperialleathers · 02/07/2023 01:50

No, it’s none of his business.I would agree that it sounds like a penpal more than FWB. Especially if you don’t see any future plans of meeting him or becoming anything further.

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 01:57

Given you chat very day and have a 'virtual' sexual relationship, I would just confirm with him that it isn't exclusive and you are both fine with seeing and dating other people. No harm done in reconfirming what both people are already okay with. If for some reason, he actually did think you were more than FWB, then he acn decide to end the virtual relationship if he wants. I think open communication is always best. No need to deal with misunderstandings later.

PomTiddlyPomPom · 02/07/2023 09:03

You're not fwb, just friends that get flirty on the phone.
You don't need to tell him anything.

Newusernameaug · 02/07/2023 09:05

Nah, when you meet someone and want to go exclusive then just drop the online person

CremeEggThief · 02/07/2023 09:07

How can you be FWB if you're not em having intimate relations?🤔

IF you were, then I personally think both people in that situation should be kept informed if one or both are also having sex with others.

Seaoftroubles · 02/07/2023 09:09

He's not a FWB he's just a pen pal. No need to say anything to him until the meet someone, you haven't even started dating yet.

sommerinthecity · 02/07/2023 10:13

I think if you were in a sexual but open arrangement with someone it might be polite to let them know if you/they started sleeping with new/more people because of the risks around health/STI's.

But you are just in a chatting/phone sex situation so what you do in 'real' life doesn't have any bearing on that?
I assume if you go in a real life relationship you would stop the phone sex with your pen pal anyway?

TimeToMoveIt · 02/07/2023 10:16

I would tell him when you meet someone else, I don't think you need to mention anything before.

I had a similar thing around lockdown, although we did meet a couple of times. He met someone else and disappeared which was actually quite hurtful after speaking every day for a year. It would have been much kinder if he'd just said something to me

viques · 02/07/2023 10:22

I would tell your virtual FWB straight away, you never know, they might be up for a virtual threesome with your new date. Well I say new date, but since you haven’t actually dipped your toe in real dating yet it could be something to put on your dating profile that will be a change from the usual long walks, trips to the theatre and meals in atmospheric country pubs…….

Is this the norm now, that virtual relationships carry the same emotional baggage as real life relationships? Even if the real relationship doesn’t actually exist?

Bapbap45 · 02/07/2023 10:40

I get it, I had a phone guy for a bit. I think you should maybe say you're dating if you find someone you want to go on more dates with.? Because inevitably, this will change your current set up and it might be good to let him know that is a possibility.

I don't think you owe him much more than that though. And you'd need to be quite boundaried with the phone guy if you start seeing someone IRL.

guineacup · 03/07/2023 06:58

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 01:57

Given you chat very day and have a 'virtual' sexual relationship, I would just confirm with him that it isn't exclusive and you are both fine with seeing and dating other people. No harm done in reconfirming what both people are already okay with. If for some reason, he actually did think you were more than FWB, then he acn decide to end the virtual relationship if he wants. I think open communication is always best. No need to deal with misunderstandings later.

This seems reasonable.

SoWhatEh · 03/07/2023 07:09

You clearly have some form of relationship with Phone Man, so yes, tell him. Treat him as you'd hope he'd treat you. Tell him that you have met someone irl.

Dery · 03/07/2023 08:00

“Given you chat very day and have a 'virtual' sexual relationship, I would just confirm with him that it isn't exclusive and you are both fine with seeing and dating other people. No harm done in reconfirming what both people are already okay with. If for some reason, he actually did think you were more than FWB, then he acn decide to end the virtual relationship if he wants. I think open communication is always best. No need to deal with misunderstandings later.”

This.

readbooksdrinktea · 03/07/2023 08:46

guineacup · 02/07/2023 00:25

My understanding is that the definition of FWB is someone you are friends with and who you have sex with, but where there are no romantic connections and no expectation that you won't develop those romantic connections with others.

They seem to be very prevalent if MN are anything to go by, but IRL, they seem to be rare, and even rarer for them to work out as one or other seems to generate feelings over time...

I really don't see how you can characterise your arrangement as FWB?

I'm presuming you have phone sex? And if it was a genuine FWB situation, he wouldn't care if you dated because he has no interest in a relationship with you, so I'm not sure why you feel the need to tell him.

I'm not sure what you call what you have,
or even what it is, but I wouldn't call it a FWB situation.

This.

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