How do you deal with MIL with huge favouritism?

[SamanthaCaine]

As per the title, we have two daughters but my MIL clearly favours one over the other (eldest). I've no idea why as they both equally polite and have spent the same amount of time with her as little kids. Yet she's always made it blindingly obvious that she favours one over the other. It's embarrassing.

Now they're much older she's handed thousands to one (for cars etc.) but virtually nothing to the other. Same with cards where she gushes over one but is just 'Have a good birthday' for the other. To be honest it's not about the money as she can do what she likes with it. But it's the blatant way she does it and how it makes the other feel. We talk about it and she says she's not bothered but I can't help feeling it's hurtful and this is reflected in the amount of time she wants to spend with her (becoming increasingly distant).

Anyone else have this and how do you deal with it?

I had this personally growing up with a grandparent where I was the favoured one, extremely obviously so. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable for me, for reasons I won’t go into as it could be potentially outing.

She won’t change, from my experience. I’m not sure what you can do besides bringing it up, although that’s easier said than done.

Just wanted to say, the favoured one won’t necessarily be enjoying all the attention.

Talk to MIL about it. Tell her how unfair it is and how it makes your youngest feel.
If it doesn't change, I'd reduce contact to the bare minimum

Have you let your mil one of your children thousands and not the other? There is no way I would have let this happen.

This is so unfair and I would have made DH speak to her the first time it happened.

I hope you have ensured your other child received the same amount of money etc.

id refuse all gifts to one- that’s gross

Have you spoken to her about it ? My DM greatly favoured my DS over my 2 DDs but I took her to task about it . She wasn’t happy but calmed down a bit .

I'd have it out with her and expect my partner to speak up to.

Call her out on it. She does for both or not at all.

Thanks to all.

It's been one of those things that's happened over time. For example, she wanted a new car so sold her old one to my eldest when she passed her test. The car was worth about £4.5k but she just asked for £1k. Then when she changed it, she gave her £3k to help. There are other instances but these are the biggest.

But not even a dime for my youngest in the same situation. So it wasn't like my eldest could've turned it down as she had no way of knowing that my MIL wouldn't do the same. Now it's apparent.

We are deliberating evening things out but am not sure if this is the right thing to do.

What does your DH have to say about this?
It's his mother, he should be dealing with it.

Indeed what does your husband think about her behaviour?.

This has all happened right under your very noses over time . Your toxic and narcissistic mother in law is trying to steal your eldest child’s heart and mind and she will succeed in breaking your family unit if she is not stopped. The relationship between your two now adult children as sisters is also under strain precisely because of what his mother has done. Such favouritism should have been stamped on years prior but you did not recognise this for the toxic behaviour it is. You have likely come from an emotionally healthy family unit, your Dh has not been so
lucky.

You will ultimately need to lower all contact levels to zero sum.

This is a DH problem. He does need to have a conversation with his mother about this.

Your mil subsidised both children in this instance though.
one child got a 4k car for 1 k (so 3k) other got 3k cash or am I off the mark?

No, the same daughter got both. The youngest hadn't passed her test by the time the second windfall was gifted before.

We thought the same would happen and that she wouldn't be so blatantly shit but hey ho. It was too late by then and had we had any inkling, we'd have advised our eldest to run for the hills. My eldest btw is mortified.

He's totally pissed off as you would expect but talking to MIL is another matter as she's a complete narcissist who never listens or takes advice from anyone.

I can imagine him trying to have a conversation but the manipulative woman she is, will twist and turn it her way.

I think the only way to deal with it is to talk to our eldest who has now twigged that she's a right piece of work. It's difficult because kids grow up loving their grandparents and it takes time to wake up to how nasty people can be.

Also we as parents can rebalance the financial disadvantage and hope our eldest understands the reasons behind it (so she doesn't feel hard done by). A difficult one to navigate!

Does DH have any siblings? Did MIL have any favourites then?

tbh this is awkward for both DD, unless they join forces and work out how to milk it. If not then DH needs to wind his MIL in. I would allow the younger DD to be more distant- don’t force her to spend time with her.

At least your eldest has the insight and empathy to see things for the way they are. All of you as a family need to cut contact with her ultimately. It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and this lady has behaved deplorably. I would also assume your FIL takes her side and acts also as her willing enabler. Women like your MIL cannot do relationships at all and always need a willing enabler to help them

Oh yes. He's golden balls but never gifted money like this (or not that I know of). Just the usual BS special treatment but fortunately he's turned out surprisingly balanced and the complete opposite of her.

Hopefully you can afford to financially even it out with the youngest.

I would talk with your eldest and ask what approach you think you should take as a family with any future financial gifts. She may decide to reject them or split with her sister 🤞

Sorry but I fail to understand why both of you, as parents, have allowed this until your dd's reached adulthood.

Bit late to say anything now! The damage is already done.

Unfortunately, as your DD is an adult, the time for you to be able to do anything is over. What she is given and chooses to accept from her grandmother is up to her. If it were my DC I'd hope (with some confidence) that my eldest would either decline in future, or accept and share with their sibling. I'd feel disappointed if they didn't.
As far as your younger DD is concerned I'd be making sure I prioritised spending on her to equalise it if her sister didn't share. I'd be open with both about this.
As far as MiL is concerned I wouldn't be continuing the relationship.