Where do I go from here?

[GettingThroughLifeOneGlassOfWineAtaTime]

I've been separated from my husband for more than two and a half years. 3 kids and 15 years of marriage.
I stayed longer than I should but finally scooped the kids up and left the day after my middle child's birthday when he spent the day drunk and angry, and I spent the day fire fighting, trying to shield the kids from the worst of it. We lived with my parents for 6 months, squeezed in together, while he walloped in filth and his own self pity in our lovely four bedroom house.
He hardly saw the kids in that time, despite my trying to find ways to facilitate that, on the proviso that he was not drunk.

I eventually persuaded him to move in with his parents while I moved home with the kids. He now spends his time between there and 'sofa surfing' telling everyone he knows that I have made him homeless.
Things have been so much more settled with the kids. Hard work, but so much easier than before. I just about manage financially and juggling full time work but it's so worth it and the kids are happy. My youngest dotes on his dad and the other two, who have seen him at his worst, tolerate him but also crave of attention from him.

I filled for divorce and have organised and paid for mediation, which he attended but would not engage with. He is in complete denial and blames me entirely for the breakdown of the marriage, his drinking and really every other problem we have ever encountered. He is insistent that we should just work things through, that he still loves me and that I am the one doing the damage to the kids by leaving. Nearly 3 years on and I get messages every day telling me this.
I am so far past this ever happening and just want him out of my life, as much as possible given that he's my kids' dad.

The problem is where do I go from here. Mt solicitor advises I don't apply for the final order before the financial order is in place. The next step would be an application to the court with estimated costs of between £2000-10000!
I'm only just keeping my head above water financially so this is unreachable.
I'm currently upstairs in the bedroom while he watches a film with the youngest because he turned up early this morning. I can't change the locks because we jointly own the house. He's already sworn at one of the older kids this morning, and this is when he's sober.

I'm at the end of my tether and don't know what to do. I dread weekends as I have no idea when he might turn up and the atmosphere when he is here is awful. Noone can predict when he will flip out and I have had the police here countless times.

Sorry for the long post and if you have got this far, thank you!

That sounds horrendous @GettingThroughLifeOneGlassOfWineAtaTime is he still there now? I've not got much in the way of advice but happy to chat and hopefully get some replies going.

Gosh this would be my worst nightmare.

I would be looking to sell the house op. Fast.

Even if it means downsizing. Or moving area.
Yes it's an upheaval but you can't put a price on freedom.

Once you have your share you can rent a place that suits or buy a smaller home. And it'll be all yours. No fear he is going to just waltz in. Bliss.

I'd see about selling ASAP. Might be hard to get him on board but see a solicitor. Paint it as to his advantage. Once he gets his money from the sale he will be able to get his own place again too.

Ps: I'd also look into restraining orders or whatever the equivalent is. Can't the police advise you? Legally his home or not, maybe there is something that can be done to keep him away?

Pps: no father is better than a horrible father who puts their mother in fear. Stop encouraging them to see him. If they want to, fine, but don't force them when they don't.

You may also want to see about putting them in therapy to help them process things. And consider doing the freedom programme online yourself (and if your kids are teens, maybe them too) to help you recognise and avoid abusers in future.

Speak with womens aid too. They may be able to help. And choose a solicitor for your divorce who has experience dealing with his sort.

Thank you for your replies.
I have looked at selling the house and had it valued recently. I would have to downsize but to be honest I'd live almost anywhere to get out of this situation. I've tried to persuade him that this is the way forward before but he will not make any steps that would be admitting the marriage is over. I think this is something what would have to be forced by the courts of I can somehow find the money to get there.

I went out with the younger two for a while this morning just to get out but he was still here when I got back. He constantly tells me how much he loves me, demands hugs then gets angry when I refuse. Today he called me a narcissist idiot in front of the kids for tearing the family apart. Not the worst he's called me by any means but still, the kids shouldn't have to hear that.

I absolutely don't insist on the kids seeing him but they so sometimes choose to so I just try my best to ensure he behaves appropriately when he does

He's gone now and I feel the ball of stress just start to dissappear as soon as he closes the door behind him. I'll look into the freedom programme and the other things suggested but for now I'm going to spend some time with he kids and try to de-stress a little.

I think I would change the locks. Yes he can technically just break in or change them back but would he?
You also need to be more firm - 'we aren't getting back together'. And tell him he is to meet the children outwith the house now. You've had to call police on him before so you should never let him back in. Easier said than done of course.

'DO NOT touch me. We are over' is a necessity.

I would get a padlock for your bedroom door and just go out if he shows up.

As for him calling you names infront of thr kids 'I'd like you to leave now. I will not be spoken to like that'. Leave the room. Don't be slow to call the police if you feel threatened or abused.

But yeah get your divorce rolling. I'm also noy sure you can't sell the house anyway even if he doesn't want to... but certainly he will have to in the divorce.

I'd be done pulling punches though. Leave whenever he shows up or stay in another room.

Be careful he doesnt bug the place. His sorts often pull shit like that.

Also, have you looked into some sort of anti harassment order? To keep him away.

Have a parent or relative drop the kids off and pick them up from him. 'There is no reason for us to meet anymore, we are over. Do not enter my home or I will call the police. The kids will be dropped with you on xyz days and times and picked up at xyz times outside tesco. Any further communication not regarding the divorce or children will be ignored. My solicitor will be in touch'.

Change the locks.