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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If I could run away right now I would.

38 replies

Puzzlepart · 01/07/2023 09:23

I just give up.
I am so fucking miserable.
So many things that have now chipped away until I can’t stand even being in the same room. I have absolutely nothing positive to say or think about him.

The house is a shit hole that I cannot keep up with.
I’m sure he is a hoarder. I clear a spot and within a day it’s got some of his crap in it.
I’ve bagged up a tonne of his shit this morning to go in the garage which he has filled to the fucking rafters with his crap.
I’ve just put the washing out and seen that he has piled a load of shit up at the side of the house that presumably needs to go to the tip, just dumped everywhere. That now will sit there for months and months and months until I take it or nag him to take it.
He doesn’t give a shit about the house or the environment that we are living in.

The last straw was an empty box dumped in the kitchen that he took the last can out of and just left it there.

Everywhere I look his shit is piled up, everywhere.
it’s like trying to shovel snow in a blizzard every fucking day.

The dishwasher will be open ready to receive dirty dishes… OPEN.. but no, he still throws his dishes into the sink above the dishwasher.

I have had enough of this life. Despair and trapped is how I feel all the time.
We are no longer compatible.

The house is something that I look at every minute of the day so it’s what gets me down the most, but it’s that he doesn’t see it and just adds to it constantly.
I need out, but can’t for another 8 years. (Youngest is 10).
Just needed to tell that to someone. I have no one in life to talk to about it.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/07/2023 09:28

Why do you need to stay another 8 years ?
Plan your escape now.

Sassypants82 · 01/07/2023 09:28

Why can't you until your youngest is 18? Sounds horrendous OP, I couldn't put up with it either.

Tojumpasinkingship · 01/07/2023 09:32

If I had my time again I would have left at the age 10 mark . I’m nearly a decade on and nothings changed accept the kids have been dragged along for the negative vibe

CurlyQueues · 01/07/2023 09:34

Your child is also living in that environment. Getting them into a clean, uncluttered living space at 10 is much better than both of you living in that misery for the next eight years.

Original poster
Puzzlepart · 01/07/2023 09:37

I can’t afford to leave. Kids would be absolutely devastated, they love their dad and he is a really good dad, I’ll give him that.
I have always managed to keep the house clean and clear but this last year I have a new job which takes me away for days at a time so it builds up during that time and it’s now just overwhelming when I have my days off or st home to tackle it.

OP posts:
TheAverageJoanne · 01/07/2023 09:38

Puzzlepart · 01/07/2023 09:37

I can’t afford to leave. Kids would be absolutely devastated, they love their dad and he is a really good dad, I’ll give him that.
I have always managed to keep the house clean and clear but this last year I have a new job which takes me away for days at a time so it builds up during that time and it’s now just overwhelming when I have my days off or st home to tackle it.

How is being a really good dad compatible with being a lazy skank?

TheAverageJoanne · 01/07/2023 09:40

Don't the kids have household jobs to do? We always did, in keeping our own rooms sorted. I'm not suggesting they clean up after that lazy tripehound but by doing their bit they'll see the reality of what he's like.

lizziebuck · 01/07/2023 09:41

Did you see the Stacey Solomon programme about de cluttering your house? What struck me was that the (now adult) children said they would never have their friends around as they were too embarrassed. Do you want your children to have that childhood? Splitting up doesn't mean they won't see their father, but YOU have one life, live it how YOU want to, no one knows how long they have in this life, don't waste what time you have.

RandomMess · 01/07/2023 09:42

He doesn't stop being their Dad if you live apart? Can you imagine how it will be for them to live in a clean and nice environment at lest 50% of the time.

Can imagine living with parents that don't like each other?

Can you imagine the devastation that your parents made you grow up in that environment and then split when you were 18

SoWhatEh · 01/07/2023 09:43

DH is a hoarder too. I stopped asking permission to get rid of his shit and just started chucking it out years ago. he never notices. (Not valuable things, just tat and actual rubbish.)
Just take a box or bag to charity or the tip once a week.

It is a waste of energy trying to get them to tidy and sort and reject stuff. It is far less stressful to just pick up an empty cardboard box and put it straight in the recycling before they have a chance to store it in the attic in case you need it in ten years' time.

If he is otherwise a good dad and you don;t want to leave, work out some quick improvements you can do every day without thinking about it.

I also keep one room immaculate and if his shit turns up in it I dump it in his home office which is a hoarder's nightmare. Do you have a room like that you could rehome most of his rubbish to?

TheAverageJoanne · 01/07/2023 09:46

TheAverageJoanne · 01/07/2023 09:40

Don't the kids have household jobs to do? We always did, in keeping our own rooms sorted. I'm not suggesting they clean up after that lazy tripehound but by doing their bit they'll see the reality of what he's like.

... and hopefully shame him.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 01/07/2023 09:47

You can’t leave today but if you start putting your ducks in a row you may be able to leave sooner than you think.

First things first, if you are already so fed up, youur children are already living in a toxic environment, you don’t want them growing up thinking this is what relationships are all about, what mothers should put up with and what fathers are free to do without consideration to those around you.

Second, do you have a job? Are you working more than 16 hours a week? You may not be as screwed up financially as you think, check entitledto.co.uk to calculate how much help you can get if you part ways.

Is the house owned, rented? If rented you are free to go pretty much anytime, if owning, that is different. You are entitled to part of the house if you are married but with a hoarder it may take years for the house to sell.

The sooner you start planning your escape and working for it, the sooner you will be out of there. You don’t need to do something very drastic, baby steps taken every day will take you there.

People say that the grass is not always greener if you divorce. I am still to meet a single divorcee that is not better of, not financially of course but in your case May he different as I am sure all that he hoards might cost a lot when out together, but life is much easier and happier when you are not carrying a boulder on your shoulders.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2023 09:47

Puzzlepart

re your comment
"I can’t afford to leave. Kids would be absolutely devastated, they love their dad and he is a really good dad, I’ll give him that".

How is it you cannot afford to leave?. You are an adult who still has agency here. What is the situation re the finances and property?. Are you married to this man?.

How is he at all a really good dad?. What made you write that?. He is not that at all. They will still love their dad if they are apart from him.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Its not somehow "easier" for you to stay. Do not stay until your youngest is 18 either; this will just entail another 8 years of unrelenting misery for you and your kids who will further pick up on the negative atmosphere at home. By then you'll probably think its far too late to get out.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 01/07/2023 09:53

If he is otherwise a good dad and you don;t want to leave, work out some quick improvements you can do every day without thinking about it.

if he is otherwise a good dad, he will continue to be after divorce. Having said that, it is often that you realise just after divorce that the dad who was a “great dad” was not doing much more than kicking a ball at the park with the kids once or twice a week, which brings a very important point: If you are already doing everything in the house, you will find parenting on your own a breeze.

suburbophobe · 01/07/2023 09:55

How can he be a good dad when allowing his kids to live in uneccesary clutter and squalor?

Clutter will produce squalor because the area will not be cleaned.

Honestly, as a solo mum my kid has grown up to be a well-rounded individual.
So much easier and more pleasant without an albatross around your neck.

Hollyppp · 01/07/2023 09:57

SoWhatEh · 01/07/2023 09:43

DH is a hoarder too. I stopped asking permission to get rid of his shit and just started chucking it out years ago. he never notices. (Not valuable things, just tat and actual rubbish.)
Just take a box or bag to charity or the tip once a week.

It is a waste of energy trying to get them to tidy and sort and reject stuff. It is far less stressful to just pick up an empty cardboard box and put it straight in the recycling before they have a chance to store it in the attic in case you need it in ten years' time.

If he is otherwise a good dad and you don;t want to leave, work out some quick improvements you can do every day without thinking about it.

I also keep one room immaculate and if his shit turns up in it I dump it in his home office which is a hoarder's nightmare. Do you have a room like that you could rehome most of his rubbish to?

This is good advice!

it’s not fair you have to take it by the reins but it takes a sane person to just pick up the boxes and go to the dump

Original poster
Puzzlepart · 01/07/2023 10:00

Right now, the way my thinking is, EVERYTHING is a mess and too complicated to unpick.
So as a very kind pp suggested, I need to find a way of tolerating things as they are.
The house to be clear is clean, mostly clutter free because I put so much into keeping that way.
I have just had extensively decorated and done improvements and repairs on the outside of the house. We joint own it.
But it is upside down because of recent decorating. All of the decorating stuff is still everywhere, everything needs to go back in its place but he just steps over it.
I have gone to tackle it today and I am overwhelmed with it all, plus the crap that he has dumped everywhere.
He has taken the kids away to their hobby (don’t get me started on that) for the weekend.
So I can clean, clear the whole weekend but within one hour of them get home, it will be a shot hole once again.
it’s relentless.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2023 10:00

Hoarding cannot be addressed by taking one small part of his hoard to the dump. Its a serious mental health problem and unless he is himself ready for clearing (he is not) the OP can only help herself and her children ultimately by removing themselves from this situation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2023 10:03

Right now, the way my thinking is, EVERYTHING is a mess and too complicated to unpick.
So as a very kind pp suggested, I need to find a way of tolerating things as they are.

Why?.

You are not already able to tolerate his hoard and trying to condition yourself to think you can is not going to do you any favours.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 01/07/2023 10:05

Hollyppp · 01/07/2023 09:57

This is good advice!

it’s not fair you have to take it by the reins but it takes a sane person to just pick up the boxes and go to the dump

Show quote history

It takes an even more sane person to realise that that is not her shite nor should it be her work and responsibility. A one off I’ll agree with you but having to do that regularly for years? No 🙂

Original poster
Puzzlepart · 01/07/2023 10:06

Financially if I leave I will not be able to afford to pay for another place and still pay what I pay for our house. The 10 year old would live 50/50.
I am the main wage earner. He could not afford the house on his own, it’s the kids home. I would want them to still live there.

OP posts:
Hollyppp · 01/07/2023 10:07

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 01/07/2023 10:05

It takes an even more sane person to realise that that is not her shite nor should it be her work and responsibility. A one off I’ll agree with you but having to do that regularly for years? No 🙂

Show quote history

Yes I agree with you too. As a temporary fix but not as permanent way of living

Zanatdy · 01/07/2023 10:11

Why can’t he leave then? This board is full of unhappy women who claim they can’t afford to leave but they could find a way. Why waste what limited time we have in this world being unhappy?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2023 10:11

"Financially if I leave I will not be able to afford to pay for another place and still pay what I pay for our house".

Are you renting this property (is he also named on a tenancy agreement) or is it mortgaged?. Have you actually looked at your options via seeking legal advice going forward?. I get the impression you have not.

"The 10 year old would live 50/50".

Would this man want 50/50 at all?. He may well demand it of you but 50/50 is but a starting point. How would this work out given his relationship with the hoard?. You seem to be carrying all the mental load here whilst he plays out some role of Disney dad.

"I am the main wage earner. He could not afford the house on his own, it’s the kids home. I would want them to still live there".

Is he a wage earner too?. Its a house too that is being overtaken by his hoard, its certainly not the sanctuary it should be for them or you.

RandomMess · 01/07/2023 10:12

Short term you stay in the house with the DC and either sell up to buy something smaller and H gets something smaller again.

I stayed in a miserable marriage so you could live in a 3 bed house with an awful vibe going on. Madness.

Shared ownership is an option for you both. Shock horror you both may have to cut back on spending if you live apart.