Another one bites the dust

[LegalAlienated]

Apologies for the song references...

Relationship that is... We've been struggling for a while, moved house recently, not so much to resurrect the relationship but to start a business that could provide a good income for us/the children to allow us to divorce. Which was optimistic give how toxic the relationship has been for years but with the COL and everything else, none of us saw another way.
That sounded bearable until yesterday, when I caught him writing messages to another woman. I confronted him straight away, he was not denying it, says 'it's not cheating' and he needs to get on with his life. He's denying it is more than messages and blames it on the lack of sex in the last 2 years.

We've been married for 8 years, together for 15, two kids in secondary school. I've been made redundant when the youngest was born. After this, he objected to me going back to work in London, as it 'wasn't feasible', he shouted at me when I was considering going to university to become a midwife as 'it won't earn me much more'... so I've spent 10+ years as a SAHM.
If it wasn't for a house move and the pandemic, I'd still be in the same situation. When Covid hit, he started working from home which is when I was able to find an admin job locally. That job finished (I was admin in a vaccs centre), then I realised I don't like sitting in an office, and started doing an Access course alongside a part-time job to be able to start university this September.
He hates all of this...
To be fair, I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm not even sure I'm hurt, the relationship had been dead for a while but I hate cheats and liars.
If we split up now, I won't be able to afford a mortgage, I'd probably come away with 200K which will not even allow me to get a 3 bed flat with the kids.
Do I give up my plans to increase my earning potential (from admin to healthcare... steady job I know I'd like) and get divorced now? Or do I stay and let charges being put on the house (the Brilliant Business needs a lot of investment) in a hope it'll happen?
I'm 46, the UK isn't even my home country, I just feel so fucking lost.

Any advice please? I've slept about 3 hours last night, if anything. I'm a complete mess and I have to go to work in a few hours.

Personally I wouldn't let charges be put on the house as the success of the business is not guaranteed.
If you split now, could you not continue to progress your career?

If we split up now, I won't be able to afford a mortgage, I'd probably come away with 200K which will not even allow me to get a 3 bed flat with the kids.

Co ownership scheme?

If you have to rent for a while, maybe that's ok - keep your equity and combine it with a low mortgage when you're earning/asap (?)

Or do I stay and let charges being put on the house (the Brilliant Business needs a lot of investment) in a hope it'll happen?

Maybe you'll be different, but my sister and her ex both financed their small businesses against their house; they later split and got next to nothing out of the house equity-wise. And their businesses did not suceed.

I'd split up ASAP. Definitely no to charges on your house.
Look into what you're entitled to as a student.
Kids in high school, you aren't tied to school runs etc presumably?
Go live your life. Stop letting him keep you under the thumb.
It is scary to leave but it won't get any better if you stay.

In the nicest possible way op, if the relationship is that toxic, your planning to divorce, and are basically only in this cohabiting situation for financial reasons, then he probably doesn't see the issue with what he's doing. I'm not condoning his actions, because you clearly haven't had any sort of discussions about meeting other people, but if the marriage is completely dead in the water, with no hope of reconciliation, then going your seperate ways is going to be for the best for all of you. When families seperate it is going to cause some financial hardship, that's just how it is. You can't just stay living together for the financial security, if you know you don't want to be together, and I don't think it's fair to both deprive eachother of moving on, if the only thing you're getting it of the current relationship is financially security. Everyone deserves a loving fulfilling relationship if that's what they desire.

Also, is this business meant to be a joint venture between you both? I'd say that was pretty risky considering the resentment and hard feelings between the two of you. Things could go horribly wrong and you could lose everything. Do not compromise the equity in your home for this, as right now, that is your only asset, buffer, means to keep your head above water if and when you go your seperate ways.

I've never hear of that, I'll look into it, thank you!

@TheoTheopolis23 This is a very real fear of mine as well. I stupidly feel like I owe him a chance as hems nearing 60 and his job situation is a bit rickety, lots of people being laid off etc.

@DiaNaranja There was a discussion one day when we talked about 'us' not being a thing any more. He then graciously said I cn go on and date other men. I told him he's put me off all of them. But my priority is the children and sorting my own emotional baggage out. It only dawned on me a couple of days after this conversation that he meant he'll want to date. Which I told him if that's what he wants to do then just end it there and then.
He decided to go quiet behind my back.
But I take on board what you said.

He then graciously said I cn go on and date other men.
This often translates as "I am already dating another woman and I want to make it official but also OK".

@80s ... that's another thought that hasn't occured. I'm such a bloody naive twat.

Can I resurrect this thread for more advice?
I've just given notice at work to start university in September. If we separate/divorce does that mean courts can stop me going to uni and demand I find a job?
I see on threads all time time that part-time worker parents will need to go full-time after divorce/separation, which is what I was planning to do when I graduated anyway.
But would I have to give up my dream if we separate now? As a part-time worker at the moment I earn marginally more than what I'll be getting from various finance options.

I’m no expert but I’ve never heard of anyone being told to stop studying. It’s common sense, that should lead to a better earning route for you.

Thank you, this was my motivation for studying but he's been throwing threats recently about 'destitution', me having to give up studying etc.
It's all turned really nasty recently.