Completely off sex since baby and don’t know what to do anymore

[Blueevening]

DC is one, and our first baby. Before baby I had a pretty high sex drive, would initiate a lot.
I had a traumatic labour and took me quite a few months to recover mentally and physically. My sex drive has taken a huge nosedive, I just don’t want to have sex at all. I’m also tired which doesn’t help with now full time work a well as a young child.

my DH who was quite understanding before is now getting frustrated with me as he misses that I don’t initiate anymore, and feels I don’t make an effort to have sex with him anymore. It’s true I don’t. We rarely have sex, probably once or twice a month. He also doesn’t understand how I’m still tired and I think he’s being unfair there. I am tired.

the issue is I actually feel myself internally panicking and tensing when he touches me as I know when he wants to have sex, I can’t get into it. I still find him attractive, I think I’d be like this with anyone so it’s not him. It’s so strange feeling like this.

when did your libido come back after children?

I don’t know. I’m in the same situation and my second is now 18months.

How much childcare/house work/cooking does he do ?

Do you BF? I was like this and hormones lower your sex drive

Mine came back quickly (I was counting down the days after my second til I could safely sex him again). I have one friend who was the same and what we have in common is that our DHs are verrryyyyy involved dads and responsible adult men. Personally my mark of a man is that I could disappear off the face of the earth tomorrow and he'd cope. No asking what nappy size we need, no needing reminded to sort things for their own offspring and household. I find that sexy.

Not saying that is the case for everyone but it was my experience and that friend's! You physiologically cannot feel like sex if you're run down.

I’m 8 months postpartum and feel the same way. Still breastfeeding too which may be contributing.

Having a 1yo will do that to most women

Are you breastfeeding? This can really tank your libido.

I'd say it's pretty normal.

And if you're doing 100% of the grunt work that exhaustion will pretty quickly morph into anger and resentment which will kill it even further.

Point out the obvious if you need to.

My baby is 16 months and I just feel my libido coming back. It's weird, I felt pretty much nothing until last month and it has increased dramatically.,. I'm not breastfeeding or anything

You describe a traumatic labour. Is it possible you are still having some post trauma symptoms?

I’ve always had a much bigger libido than my partner but after my kids I just could bear him touching me for about 2 years. It was really difficult but then it definitely improved. I think it was a mix of feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, hormones and not just being wanted for sex. Although my sex drive returned I think I changed emotionally so I needed more effort from him without the expectation it would lead to sex if that makes sense??

I breastfed all 3 of mine until they were 2 and I was like this with each of them. It came back when I was nearing the end of breastfeeding (around 20 months). Mine were all pretty straightforward births.

Mine has never really come back. Several years in. Just managed to do enough for a second dc but then not since. We split for a while and I met someone I really fancied, so figured it was just that I was not attracted to partner at all. But actually, now, I really can't be bothered at all. Quite liberating but odd as it used to be such a huge part of me.

My DD is nearly two and my libido isn't back at all, I very rarely even think about sex apart from to panic that I'm not thinking about sex. I'm still breastfeeding and feel so touched out as I'm constantly being used as a climbing frame. So far he's been understanding but he's not happy about the situation, which I get.

I started feeling attractive (well, more like myself), less tired and interested in DH again when both my children reached about 3 or 4. Before that you're just a knackered mess. But it does get better.

I feel aroused by my husband doing housework, his share of the mental load, caring for the baby, cooking good food, making me laugh, giving me loads of lie ins and generally being ace. He also makes sure I have a nice massage now and then.

All massive turn ons for me. I'm 7 months pp and breastfeeding.

How much does your husband do?

(If he isn't doing these things in huge quantities then this may be a good starting point!)