41 and still embarrassed of my parents

[Chipschipschippy]

The embarrassment of my parents for me has never really worn off. My Dad was a bit of a football hooligan in his younger years and in his older age, he's a bit of a bigot who says socially inappropriate things. I don't see him often however.

Then my mum...
I moved away for work a few months ago along with my family and my mum recently came to visit. She's a big lady with a big voice and big personality. I struggle with her volume anyway but on introducing her to my work colleagues she was shouting over people and talking over conversations, quite rude really. People seemed surprised by her. I'm a lot quieter and more softly spoken. I don't feel a lot like my parents at all and I felt embarrassed.

My mum is 60 (she had me at 19) so is younger than most of my friends mums and she often wears younger, quite revealed clothes for her size and age too. I try to to myself not to be shallow and just accept her the way she is, but I am admitting, I find it embarrassing.

Then, I took her to collect my children from school and she was just as brash and loud and I was very self conscious. Particularly as I'm trying to forge new friendships. She was speaking very loudly during a conversation I was having with her privately whilst waiting for the children and looking around at other parents waiting as if she was trying to get their attention aswell as mine. She was also talking about a work colleague of hers and loudly saying what an "idiot" he is and doing impressions of him. Again, people were looking at me

Is it me? Do I need to get past this embarrassment? Do other adults feel embarrassed of their parents? Is it just me?

Bumping up

Tbh I'd feel awkward even if it wasn't my parent acting like that. I am nit comfortable with loud, attention seeking , socially unaware people

I’d feel embarrassed, too. Her behaviour may stem from insecurities, but it’s still embarrassing.

It is entirely possible to love and appreciate your parents, yet still find them embarrassing, especially if they are loud and brash. My stepfather was loud, bigoted and inappropriate. It made my toes curl. I avoided introducing friends to him after I left home.

Stop introducing her to folk you know first of all!

Yanbu

My mother was a lot louder than me, and happy to tell complete strangers all of her very strong opinions. She was also a life long smoker. She smoked roll ups and had mastered the art of smoking without hands and talking with a fag in her mouth.

I didn’t like it and would rather she didn’t do it in public (she did). However there was also the feeling that she was a separate person to me and how she acted was no reflection on me. Of course it could vary on the situation, but I tried to keep that thought in my head.

You obviously have youngish children and are probably deep into teaching them how to behave in and out in public. Their behaviour can’t help reflecting on you. So that may be why it is harder for you to see (and feel embarrassed), that you have no control over your parent’s behaviour.

Dont forget that difficult parents can be a good bonding experience with other women!

It definitely stems from insecurities @W0tnow . She is socially awkward but lives quite an insulated life and drinks far too much alcohol which doesn't help her self esteem.

It's difficult avoiding introducing her to people as she wants to meet me on my lunch break at work when she's visiting and naturally we bump into people I work with. Also, she wants to accompany me on school drop off so it's hard to avoid her mixing with people around me.

A few people came over to speak to me at drop off which was lovely as I don't know many people and they're making an effort with me and my mum just intruded in the conversation, the point of what was saying was lost and she over-talked everyone. They didn't know who she was and seemed confused that she just invited herself into the conversation. I felt like I was drowning in embarrassment. I could tell people were surprised at her brash nature. I refuse to raise the volume of my voice to talk over her and she started answering for me when the mums asked me some questions. It was like trying to navigate an adult conversation with a chatty toddler in the room.

You've reinvented yourself.They are who they are.
You can leave them behind or be very careful who you introduce them to.

Are they really bad people?

I wonder whether you are more conscious of your mum than you need to be? She doesn't sound that bad- in fact I imagine she can be quite fun.

But you know who she is and what she's like

Why would you suddenly expect her to change?

Well @Ladybug14 I'm not usually in her company at the same time as my work colleagues or friends so I haven't really been exposed to it for quite a few years. It's a little more difficult now that I've moved away as we get less time together but more intense.

She's ok on a 1:1 basis generally, although a little loud, it's not embarrassing, but there's a different dynamic now. Moving forward I'll try to keep any colleagues/friends/aqaintances separate to her, but I'm not sure how I'll navigate the school runs when she visits and accompanies me.

Being "big" though eh? - how awful for you

I'm embarrassed of my parents (will, mainly my mum) as well.

Like yours, she is socially awkward and also seems to have no idea about what is appropriate and what is not when you are around others. So, for example, she'll ask someone she's just met extremely personal questions.

I cope by seeing them as little as possible and trying to steer them away from potentially awkward situations.

Is there a class difference? If so be proud of where you came from and how your parents got you there. You can't expect them to change

I think you should try and find good things about your parents and focus on appreciating their good points, like the fact that your mum is hands on and wants to be involved in your life and with your children. You should be more concerned about your mother's feelings about her own daughter being ashamed of her rather than what Jane and Martin from accounting think of her. You seem to forget that other people haven't perfect parents either.

If your mum was petite and elegant, dressed expensively and spoke over people in the strident, ringing tones of the well to do, would you be embarrassed by her?
If so, then it's behaviour related, and if you can get her to rein in the interrupting and lower her voice a little, all should be well. Can you just ask her not to interrupt and to speak a bit more quietly?

I have relatives like this OP, and no matter how grown you become they’ll still bulldoze you and try to be centre of attention. There’s probably a part of her that’s trying to compete with you.

And the answering for you? No! Absolutely not!

Just because she wants to meet during your work lunches and school pick ups doesn’t you have to go along with it.

Make excuses and put your foot down. She’s a big personality and drowns you out.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in your 40s. Don’t let her guilt you and push you around.

She can find her own friends to talk at.

I have the same problem and get very embarrassed at her making jokes about me or discussing me with other people so now avoid the clashing of friends and family as much as possible. If she asks to come on your lunch break maybe that’s a day when you ‘have’ to work through? She sounds very overbearing.

This. If she comes to visit, just keep her away from your friends and colleagues. She'll never change , so you have to manage her so she causes as little annoyance as possible.

Do you know Great Expectations?

It seems to me that you have as many insecurities as your mum has and you can't change hers, but you can work on yours.

Your mum sounds embarrassing but your dad sounds worse. A bigot is worse than being brash.

Why on earth did your mother need to meet your work colleagues?? My parents never met any of mine!!!

Keep her separate from the rest of your life - it shouldn't be that hard!!

I'm in my late 40s but I still struggle with the way my DM and stepdad are.

They're very, very different from me politically, and hold views that I think are wildly bigoted even for their generation. They burp and fart loudly, even in polite company, my DM chews with her mouth open, and openly sits and stares at people. I could go on. Honestly, it's excruciating.

Just to underline how bad it is - my DB didn't invite her to his wedding. There's more of a backstory here with their relationship breakdown, but he's also married upwards socially into a very upper-middle class family (who are lovely). It was a low-key garden wedding but the wedding breakfast was salmon and tomatoes with wild garlic etc, a cake of cheeses etc - my DM wouldn't have eaten a single morsel on the table, and would have just pulled faces if asked whether she wanted the food. She has absolutely no manners at all and is completely unaware socially.

It's a hard one because she was devastated not to be invited - even though their relationship is terrible anyway, partly for the political/social reasons I have described. I felt so sorry for her, but I can see why DB would have been mortified if she'd been there. It was a lovely, relaxed day and DM wouldn't have fitted in socially - she's shit at making small talk with people she has nothing in common with - and DM would also have made it really awkward with her attitude and general demeanour. But it's also partly because DB doesn't want to be reminded of the very much working class background that he's from.

I love my DM very much but she's crass, and I am often embarrassed to think that people may assume that I share her pretty awful views, crappy morals and just general low standards.

You need to separate your DM and your friends, OP. No reason at all that they should be all mixing together - tell your DM you can't meet at lunch, or that you'll meet her after the school run. Tbh though, I've met friends who have weird parents and I don't judge them for it so maybe try not to worry too much. Easier said than done, I know!!!

You need to keep your mum separate from certain parts of your life. Sorry, it's just the truth. There is no reason at all she needs to meets your colleagues or go on school runs with you.

My parents are far overseas so not easy to compare. I did bring them to a school induction evening once, I suppose. It was so busy there, nobody notices other adults.

DH's parents live a few hours away: nobody on school run or his colleagues have ever met his parents.

This sounds familiar @DanielTheGhostGangbanger .
I guess it all boils down to manners, yes. My mum spolit my 40th birthday by getting incredibly drunk and telling everyone all about her sex life with her new boyfriend. It ruined it for me.

She will also burp and make crude jokes. The alcoholism is probably the worst bit for me as she's always complaining of a hangover. She still thinks it's cool to get drunk. 😒

I'm not surprised your DB didn't invite your mother to his wedding. My DB has nothing to do with my mum either out of embarrassment.

To other posters suggestions:
I can definitely avoid her meeting work colleagues again when she visits but school runs are different as she asks to collect DCs from school when she comes to stay. She isn't seeing them for 6-8 weeks at a time. I'm not sure how I'll navigate that one.