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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to avoid answering questions from nosy friend

25 replies

Tralalalalaaa · 30/06/2023 19:02

I'm in a local outdoors group - hiking, camping, wild swimming and climbing. Overall it's a fantastic group of people, but one woman in the group lies, manipulates, and says nasty things about people in the group. She uses people to gain access to the most popular members of the group and has also cruelly dropped people who thought she was a good friend with no explanation when she thinks they're no longer the most popular members of the group.

She can't stand it if she's not involved in every single thing - even things outside of the group. She quizzes people on where they've been, who they've seen, what their plans are etc to make sure she's not missing out on anything.

I can't drop this woman - she's part of the group and I need to keep things friendly. She has caused trouble for people before when they've refused to answer her questions. So I'm looking for ways to deflect and avoid answering questions about where I've been and who I've seen - ideally in as friendly a manner as possible. Any ideas please?

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 30/06/2023 19:07

"Oh I've not been anywhere interesting, how about you?"

"Oh I've not been up to much but was looking for recommendations of a nice XXX, do you know any?"

"Nothing fun my end, but I've heard you're always up to lots - any plans?"

Rinse and repeat.

Or develop a really niche hobby that's perhaps borderline uncomfortable to talk about - taxidermy perhaps? Steer every conversation towards it and she'll start to avoid you!

Maybe even just start talking really quietly in the hopes she'll get frustrated and stop asking questions?

OhComeOnFFS · 30/06/2023 19:07

Wow, she sounds awful. Non-committal answers are what you need.

"Oh I don't know..."
"I can't remember"
"No definite plans yet"

In the end you need to team up with the ones she's dropped - they will be on your side.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 30/06/2023 19:07

I would just turn it round, back to her

Nosy Friend (NF): what have you been up to this week?
You: nothing much, what's your week been like?

NF: Did you meet up with X, Y and Z this week?
You: No, it's been a quiet week, how about you?

NF: what are your plans for next week?
You: I've decided to have a break from planning and will just see how the week pans out for me. How about you, what are your plans?

Smile a lot, keep your tone friendly.... draw someone else into the conversation....

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 30/06/2023 19:08

I think I can help you here.

A response I use is:
The less said about that the better!!

You need to deliver this in a bright, breezy, smiley way. Like you have an exclamation mark in your voice.
The good thing is that it acknowleges this woman's question but gives her absolutely no information whatsoever.

Practise it a few times and in no time, it'll be tripping off your tongue.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2023 19:15

Good grief. Have you read what you wrote? It's remarkable that you would even want to be involved in a group that has this woman as a member. I could not be a part of any group which panders to or entertains a person like that. Life is far, far too short. No one who is actually "fantastic" would have anything to do with that vile woman.

Original poster
Tralalalalaaa · 30/06/2023 19:24

There are some great ideas here - thanks everyone! I'll be able to use these.

Unfortunately, I'm the latest person she's set her sights on, so it's really intense from her at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tralalalalaaa · 30/06/2023 19:26

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2023 19:15

Good grief. Have you read what you wrote? It's remarkable that you would even want to be involved in a group that has this woman as a member. I could not be a part of any group which panders to or entertains a person like that. Life is far, far too short. No one who is actually "fantastic" would have anything to do with that vile woman.

I know. I was in the group before she joined though, and I've got some great friends in it - plus I love the activities, and there's nothing else like it locally. I really don't want to leave the group just because of one person.

OP posts:
SoupAndToast · 30/06/2023 19:30

There’s always one who spoils things. She sounds like a nightmare relative of mine.
I always say things like ‘I haven’t decided yet’, ‘last weekend feels like ages ago, I can’t remember what I did now’. If she asks who I did something with I just say ‘my friend, you wouldn’t know her’. I also always turn it back on her and ask her lots of questions to deflect , she usually shuts up then because I think she’s worried I will treat her like she treats everyone else and use the information!

St0nehenge · 30/06/2023 19:32

For person questions use the ha ha I misheard, for a minute, i thought you asked me if my pregnancy was planned / how much I earn / if I was sacked or resigned

If those don't work,look serious and go quiet and then lean I and say "can I confess to being quite guarded"

DatingDinosaur · 30/06/2023 19:42

Answer "if I tell you I vill have to kill you" in a really bad German accent.

Is it possible that she's actually lonely and trying too hard/going about it the wrong way to make friends?

pinklama · 30/06/2023 19:47

change subject matter, what have you been up to? Nothing interesting but I have been following xyz on the news… have you seen? it etc etc…
Or
of yes I have been reading this really good book, listened to a podcast, watched xyz on Netflix- really recommend it and you?

DatingDinosaur · 30/06/2023 19:48

Something I do say to pushy people is "ooh, that's classified information, why do you ask?". Or "would you like a spotlight for this interrogation?"

Watch a few episodes of Allo Allo, you'll get loads of "deflection" tips from Rene Grin

Antst · 30/06/2023 19:54

I know what this dynamic is like! It's not easy to dump an entire group of people because of one problem person. I have lived overseas where there has only been one group of people to hang out with. And your group is about the outdoors/hiking/etc, so it's not going to be easy to replace that.

The other commenters have some great ideas and I'd like to add that being VERY confident has worked for me. If you act cagey and/or scared of her or scared of awkwardness, she'll get worse. What can you do?

I have an aunt who is great at stating what she is going to do with a smile on her face and gently laughing at anyone who crosses a line. She's the person I try to model. For example: "oh I'm enjoying being away from schedules and nights out and drama (or whatever). It's such a nice day and I'm going to think about nothing but the beautiful weather/how much I'm loving being around all of you instead of at work. How are you doing?"

Original poster
Tralalalalaaa · 30/06/2023 20:06

DatingDinosaur · 30/06/2023 19:42

Answer "if I tell you I vill have to kill you" in a really bad German accent.

Is it possible that she's actually lonely and trying too hard/going about it the wrong way to make friends?

Yes possibly. She doesn't have any friends outside of this group.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tralalalalaaa · 30/06/2023 20:08

The other commenters have some great ideas and I'd like to add that being VERY confident has worked for me. If you act cagey and/or scared of her or scared of awkwardness, she'll get worse.

This is a good point. I'm very cagey round her, and she makes me very anxious and nervous.

OP posts:
dodobookends · 30/06/2023 20:29

Develop an excessively boring hobby, like collecting vintage knitting needles, old teaspoons, or postage stamps with butterflies on. Enlarge on said hobby every time she asks. Tell her how you have scoured every John Lewis in the country in the vain hope that you will find a fitted sheet that matches the wallpaper in your bedroom, or indeed every B&Q in the country in the vain hope that you will find some wallpaper that matches your fitted sheets. Tell her how long it took you to clean your skirting boards last week. Just make stuff up, the more fantastically dull the better, and you will soon be looking forward to telling her all about it and seeing her eyes glaze over.

Throwncrumbs · 30/06/2023 20:32

She drops people, but you can’t drop her…really!

CalistoNoSolo · 30/06/2023 21:07

Just tell her to fuck off: 'No, I won't answer your hideously invasive questions you maniac'. Stop pussyfooting around this monster. If the group implodes because you've stood up to her then it wasn't really worth it anyway.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2023 21:23

Tralalalalaaa · 30/06/2023 19:26

I know. I was in the group before she joined though, and I've got some great friends in it - plus I love the activities, and there's nothing else like it locally. I really don't want to leave the group just because of one person.

Show quote history

Why has she not been kicked out of the group? Does this group not have any standards for behaviour? The rest of you should stand together and tell this woman she is no longer allowed to participate.

SunflowerTed · 30/06/2023 22:05

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2023 19:15

Good grief. Have you read what you wrote? It's remarkable that you would even want to be involved in a group that has this woman as a member. I could not be a part of any group which panders to or entertains a person like that. Life is far, far too short. No one who is actually "fantastic" would have anything to do with that vile woman.

What’s remarkable about being with a group of like minded people who enjoy the outdoors? Are u saying OP should drop the group and lose out because of one arsehole????? !!!!

Wisterical · 30/06/2023 22:24

I'm honestly not being disingenuous here but I can't get my head around the group dynamics here. Is this woman popular with other group members? What sort of 'trouble' has she caused for people? Are you a well established and liked member of the group? Surely if she's known for being a horrible person others will be pleased if you stand up to her, and might even follow your example. Why is everyone placating her?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2023 23:03

SunflowerTed · 30/06/2023 22:05

What’s remarkable about being with a group of like minded people who enjoy the outdoors? Are u saying OP should drop the group and lose out because of one arsehole????? !!!!

Show quote history

Five question marks and four exclamation marks? Are you quite alright?

StarDolphins · 30/06/2023 23:07

DatingDinosaur · 30/06/2023 19:42

Answer "if I tell you I vill have to kill you" in a really bad German accent.

Is it possible that she's actually lonely and trying too hard/going about it the wrong way to make friends?

Haha this made me laugh🤣

Original poster
Tralalalalaaa · 01/07/2023 07:25

The group has around 80 members. Not everyone goes on every event, so at various times there will be say 15 people who will be regularly going on hikes, or 5 people regularly going swimming for example. Some members only join an event every now and then, and others go regularly to most events. Some only ever do the hikes and not the climbs or swims.

We have a christmas get together and most people go to that. And sometimes we go out to dinner or for drinks, and small pockets of say 10-20 people go to those.

So some people in the group haven't come across NF very much, whereas others have. And also NF is very good at coming across as nice, so on the surface most people take her at face value but haven't been subject to her real character - either because they're not deemed popular enough by NF to bother with, or because they don't go to enough events.

OP posts:
namechangenacy · 01/07/2023 15:23

Tralalalalaaa · 30/06/2023 19:24

There are some great ideas here - thanks everyone! I'll be able to use these.

Unfortunately, I'm the latest person she's set her sights on, so it's really intense from her at the moment.

Can you give some examples if her being like this ? Then hopefully we can help you word things !

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