This may be a long one, but please bear with me. I have been with DH for 15 years, married for nearly 10 with two DD's. We hit a very rocky patch last spring where I very nearly left him. During the early years of the marriage and especially after having the kids, I put on a fair bit of weight and really let myself go. When I was younger and before I got with him, I always took pride in my appearance, so this really affected my confidence and self esteem. DH also put on weight which seemed to affect him in the same way too. He has always been the more sensitive out of the two and is a naturally anxious person, whereas I am more care free and worry a lot less about things. After fist DD was born , he suffered a mental health episode and in the early weeks after she was born ,he really wasn't there for me especially being a first time Mother. His family were all there for him but didn't seem to be bothered about how I was feeling. Looking back this stirred up a lot of resentment towards him and his family (which I didn't realise at the time, I just thought that this is how life is meant to be).
Over the years, I stopped seeing friends and life literally revolved around him and DD's. Along the way we had issues with MIL who had been (and still is) very intrusive and opinionated, and at the time he couldn't see it, even though I used to tell him how upset she used to make me. I think looking back, this added to the resentment within me but again not realising it and thinking it is the norm in married life.
Sex in the beginning was relaxed and plentiful, but over time it had dwindled. I put it down to the fact I was too tired with the kids and house etc. The times I did do it, a lot of the time was just to keep him happy and shut him up basically, which pacified him for so long then the whole cycle would start again. There were times when I was in the mood, but they were few and far between.
Fast forward to around Summer 2021, I decided to start looking after myself, I lost a lot of weight and started wearing nicer clothes etc. I started feeling more like my older self. Although DH used to say how good I looked, I think this made him more insecure. So for example if was to go out with friends, he would always want to know what time I'd be back, where I'm going and would text me throughout the night. If any male FB/Insta friends liked any photos he would question who they were, like he was stalking my posts as sometimes he would mention one I had put up at an earlier date, like he had purposely gone through old pics. I put a new lipstick on one day that I got in a monthly sub beauty box and he got home and asked "what are you wearing that for?" with basically a disgusted look on his face.
I then went on a hen weekend away, and you'd have thought I had died the way he was acting when I left out the door. He never said to have a good time, just moped around saying how much he'll miss me. DD's were the same but you expect that off children, not a grown ass man. Whilst away I was talking to another friend about life, kids, home etc and she was talking about how much her partner did in the home and I realised how little he actually did. He basically did nothing for DD's, no making meals, no bedtimes, no dealing with school work. It was all me, and I think I had a kind of epiphany and realised I'm being taken for a fool here.
When I got home from this weekend away, I told him things need to change as being away had made me realise what my life was like. He agreed to but I just couldn't shake this feeling off and I had told myself that I don't think I could come back from this. I felt the resentment over the years had built up that much that I just didn't want to be near him anymore and that I would be much happier by myself. So I plucked up the courage and told him I wanted to leave him. I couldn't do it to his face though as DD's were in and I know how much of a drama queen he is, I just didn't want them to hear anything. So I took the dog for a walk and rang him. Of course he started crying his eyes out and was behaving like a baby, so much so that eldest DD heard him and he told her what I had said. I was so upset that she had heard, and of course she was upset then.
Over the next few days he was hounding me, crying playing the victim, saying we can't break up the family, it would upset DD's, saying we wouldn't be able to afford to live. He said he would get counselling to sort himself out (which he did and it did seem to help). I stupidly decided to give it a try and the first few months were good. He lost some weight, we went on a lovely holiday together and I did start to think I made the right decision to give it another go.
Slowly over the months, he would make the odd comment which reminded me of how he used to be. He would immediately apologise and backtrack. He has put his weight back on that he lost, and the little doubts have started to creep back in to the point now I'm edging towards leaving him again. Can someone like this really change for the better? I love him, but only as a friend and the Father of my kids. I feel I just cant get past the things that have happened in the past, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I need counselling myself, but would it even make me change my mindset?
He has recently suffered a big health set back so is off work for a while. I feel like I would definitely be happier on my own, but how can I leave him now when he is in such a vulnerable state with his health.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and what was the outcome. I guess I am needing a little reassurance that my feelings are validated and that I am not overreacting.