He has a hidden layer - is this normal?

[whatamidealingwith]

Married for a number of years, kids and at my wits end.
My husband presents to the outside world as a charming, though somewhat nerdy person. In public, he's always the first to sing my praises, tell them how smart I am etc. He also often repeats how I am the one who takes all decisions, often referring to me for advice (tradespeople, other parents etc.) as he himself won't be able to decide. And he has real difficulties to make (any) decision so in reality, I often have to take decisions on our house/furnishings/works etc.
Inside our home however, things do not look so shiny. While for weeks we may be ok, certain things can set him off and I feel that then a completely different him comes out. He can get verbally aggressive in a way that leaves me confused. He won't call me names or anything, but he will just criticize my choices/friends/family. He clearly values other things than I do (i.e. property, fancy cars etc.). So when I spend money (we both contribute 50/50) on something that he doesn't value, he will criticize me for it. Holidays are ridiculous and a waste of money for example. Days out similar. Visiting family completely useless. HE is the only one who takes the right decisions, focuses on the right things and I am left feeling to be an idiot. Thanks to him we're on the property ladder, thanks to him we will be millionaires in future etc. In short, instead of respecting me for all I do for the family, he will go on and on about how he is the one reason for our success.
I am not stupid though, so I do continue booking holidays, days out and visits etc. as I feel I can and as I know they are also important for me and my kids.
When he is calm again and we are on holiday he will agree that holidays are good and that we need them.
But it leaves me wondering who is now the real him? I have the strong feeling that the one I am seeing when angry speaks the truth - or is he just lashing out in anger and should I ignore it?

It doesn't sound like he is lashing out in anger though? It sounds like he says these things without provocation?

Sorry, i should have made it clearer. He got angry because he feels I was taking too long in deciding on doing certain works around the house. In May he presented me with a quote from one supplier, I thought it was a lot of money. He then didn't want to take the decision himself (typically) and left it. Now he obtained a second quote which is very similar. So now it is all of a sudden my fault for not taking a decision in May and delaying the whole process of the works. I tried to explain that it is normal to obtain two quotes for big works and that I don't feel I was unreasonable. This set him off as apparently I should have just decided in May and trusted him on the first quote as (there we go) he is the only one who makes smart decisions in our family anyway.
To me, he got unreasonably upset over a relatively small thing (a delay in starting the works). But what really leaves me upset is that in such situations I see this whole different side of him. A very nasty side.

It sounds to me as though he's deeply insecure and taking it out on you defensively. The outward, public facing version of him is probably the version of himself he likes and wants to be all the time, or at least the version who recognises all that you contribute. The other version might be when the envious, insecure, defensive parts win and lash out - maybe a part of him resents you being to competent because he knows he's lacking in some way?

Either way, it's not really your problem. The only decision for you to make is to decide where your boundary of acceptable behaviour is and how to state it assertively and without aggression (or passive aggression). This (for me at least) is way harder than it sounds and I think a lot of women in particular accept an awful lot of bullshit from the men in their life because of an inability to own and state a boundary, and also to follow through with any consequences if the boundary is transgressed.

He can and seemingly does behave perfectly normally around people in the outside world. It is only behind closed doors that his true nature emerges.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Think about this.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like this as adults?. No you would not, you would want better for them.

He is coming across as abusive to me and the nice/nasty cycle he shows you is indeed a continuous one. I would be contacting Womens Aid further about your H.

No it's not normal OP.

The Jekyl and Hyde-style difference between his public and private persona is flagging up narcissistic traits for me, and already, you're blaming yourself for his behaviour.

He sounds awful. He's obviously insecure and is blaming you for things that are not your fault so that he can feel better about himself.

How old are the children?

Do you talk about this with him or is that too difficult?

Next time he praises toubinnpublic, say "That's not what you thought about me last week when you got so angry with me for taking trouble to get more quotes for the downstairs loo (etc)".

You need to let people know he's a bastard. Otherwise you'll have no support when you decide enough is enough.

The nasty side is the real him.