Practical advice for leaving abusive relationship?

[namechanged052023]

I’m planning to leave a relationship which I’ve recently come to terms with being abusive. No kids involved, thankfully.

I’m just not sure about what or how to do it. It will be a big shock to him I think, on the outside there are no big issues, he is very kind and loving to me as long as I am playing by his rules and being the perfect little housewife, but I’m scared because I couldn’t say for certain how he will react and I almost wouldn’t put anything past him, even though there hasn’t been much actual physical abuse.

I have a new house to move into but have no furniture. I have a small amount of savings to last me until I can get a job but I think I can stretch to paying someone to help me move. I have some desk stuff to take and I have a clothing rail and a chair I could take that he wouldn’t miss and we have a spare bed. Would it be okay to take all that do you think? I have a plug in cooler box I could take to tide me over until I can get a fridge too.

Am I able to take our two dogs though? They aren’t registered to either of us and I think I paid for them but I don’t have a receipt or anything. I really can’t bear the thought of leaving them, he would look after them but they love me most and I would miss them so much, but I’ve had it in my head that I can’t take them in case that is what pushes him over the edge into being really angry.

The car is in my name and he has a van so would it be fair for me to keep the car too?

Ive really no idea so any advice would be so gratefully received please.

Didn't want to read and run. About to fall asleep but to say you should take all of those things. Don't feel you are not entitled to basic pieces of furniture, of course you are. Look after yourself, especially if he is abusive. Just move out quietly one day when he is out. Take care

Good for you, OP.

Take what you need. Including the dogs.

Make sure you have your passport and any other personal ID documents.

Charity furniture shops could be useful for some more stuff after you've moved.

Yes @Mmhmmn ill definitely be looking in charity shops, I’m not too worried at the minute about anything else, if I can take the bits I mentioned I can make do for now. I’ve already got a bag packed with my passport and documents, spare keys and a change of outfit etc that I can just grab.

Do you have any friends or family members who would be there with you? He's obviously been physically violent with you, so you need to ensure your safety, just incase he turns up whilst you're moving. Take what is yours. Dogs are very expensive and tying. Think very carefully about who is best able to care for them. Do everything in your power to make sure he doesn't find your new address. Only tell him after you've left, not beforehand. Best of luck.

@omgsally yes, my sister has a day off in the week when he works so I was thinking of asking her to help me and booking the removal on the same day and I could have everything done by the time he was finished.

I just don’t know what to do after that then, like how I would tell him I had left.

Make sure you have all your personal papers , birth cert etc move everything in 1 go ( he wont let you back in ) before you leave go register the dogs in ur name with your current address ( you can change it after you leave ) registering them before you leave proves you own them , not him *

Ok I’m going to assume you are not married so we need to consider what is legal. You should take what you own.
That is going to be really hard to prove for household items. If you moved into his fully furnished house then it is unreasonable of you to now take his furniture. If you both moved in together and bought furniture together then taking some of it would be defensible. Again it depends on the length of your relationship too. If you’ve lived together for many years and both contributed to the household expenses then taking stuff is totally defensible as long as you take no more than half.

Dogs are considered property. If you cannot prove you paid for the dogs then normally a court would look at who paid the dog bills (vet, insurance, etc..) and who was named on the microchip.
Cars are also property so you can take one if you own it. Again for court you’d need to prove who paid for the car. If there is no receipt then you’d need to prove you paid insurance, tax, MOT bills etc..

All of this assumes he takes you to small claims court. The biggie is the car. If he calls the police to say you stole the car you need the paperwork to prove it is yours. Take all your paperwork that you’d later need to prove what you paid for in the relationship. Papers for car / pets. Receipts, bank statements, correspondence re insurance etc..

If he does take you to court you will need reasonable paperwork to prove that the balance of probability (not beyond reasonable doubt) shows that you were the owner of the stuff you took.

I think you're overthinking it because that can happen when you're being abused. By the way controlling behaviour is far worse than physical abuse and statistically leads to murder more frequently.

Don’t overthink. You've already sorted everything out.

Don’t speak to him. Simply leave when he's out, take the dogs, (no idea about the car personally), and go and live in your new home.

Don’t worry about furniture. Go for a mattress first and a slow cooker so you can eat and sleep, and the rest will flow easily. He might contact you over the dogs but feel free to ignore him. Even if he takes you to court over the dogs he can't prove they are his anymore than you can prove they are yours.

If you're not married you can literally just cut this person out of your life right this second.

Being away from a controlling person is more important than anything.

Thank you @SpringleDingle thats some really good advice, I’d not even considered the car documents, I’ll put them in my bag now. Luckily I have all the receipts for it.

we are married actually, I realise now I didn’t put that in my op. Does that change any of the advice? Or not really.

Could he ring the police and say I stole the dogs, or could he force me to do like a joint custody with them? Should I offer to do that? I know they’re not the same as DC but they’re what I’m worried about most. I’m really scared of getting bad karma by “stealing” them from him and I know that’s slightly ridiculous by my brain has really locked onto that idea and is really stressing me about it.

What kind of income are you on?

I would apply for divorce online today and just leave. He can then respond. He will have all your details for contact.

You could use a fee waiver and do the first form free of charge.

@douglasadamswasright nothing. I’ll have to apply for JSA or something. He gives me money for bills and food, he’s always been okay with money for me and I have some savings from what I’ve saved from that and a small inheritance I got, that’s how I got the car.

Do you have your own bank account?

Start the application for benefits now, it takes ages for it to be processed. Can you live with your sister instead of paying for accommodation when you have no income?

You can do this. You're almost there. Keep going.

Are you savings much?

less than 16K and you will get Universal Credit, make the application online straight away.

Then go online for the divorce, follow the easy steps, and apply for the fee waiver and see if you can't get the divorce sorted today, and let that be the first communication he gets from you.

That's what I did, and it eradicated the begging to take back stage as he knew it was final.

Know now that once he gets over the shock he will become very nasty. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt about anything.

OP, I’ve been in a similar situation.

if you’re married then generally speaking you are entitled to half of the house contents. You certainly wouldn’t be penalised for taking enough to set you up in a new home pending financial settlement. So don’t worry about that.

you legally own the car so that’s fine.

I would definitely take the dogs or if you’re unable to there are charities that foster them in cases of DV until you get back on your feet. That’s what I did. I couldn’t trust my exH with animals, one of my puppies ended up with the broken leg just because I had to go to hospital once. Do not underestimate the lengths abusive men will go to. If he keeps them he could use them as a form of control.

set up a mail redirection - there is an option on the Royal Mail website to state if you’re leaving due to DV. Make sure he doesn’t know your new address.

if you have a joint bank account, inform your bank that you’re leaving and why. They have specialist teams for this. My exH kept our joint account at its overdraft limit. Couldn’t close it unless it was cleared which I would never have been able to do. My bank were SO good and just took me off the account given the circumstances.

Well done OP. You won’t believe the difference it will make to your life leaving him. Just having the freedom to be yourself after everything you have been through.

Personally once you leave I would completely block him off all social media, email etc. Don’t give him chance to either harass or love bomb you.

You owe him nothing in terms of an explanation etc. But once you’re out maybe send one last message before you block him. Telling him you have left.

Do you think it really will? I go back and forth between envisioning this idealistic life without him, of being just free. And then other times I question if I’m thinking to do the right thing.

There's no guarantee that your life will suddenly be wonderful afterwards. Anything could happen. You might never meet a wonderful new partner or go on to have great happiness but the longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the more damage that's done to your mental health and the longer your recovery will take. Abuse erodes the very heart and soul of you. Get away from it, don't look back, then take some time to heal and to start moving forwards with your life.

Leaving my exH was the best and hardest thing I’ve ever done.

two years on I am still suffering from the financial mess he left me in. But I am so glad I made that decision even though it meant losing everything I had. It won’t be as though everything miraculously gets better, in fact at times I’ve felt lower than I did when I was with him, but simultaneously you look back and realise it was the best thing you’ve done. It’s strange.

take the first step in faith and the rest will follow. It’s normal to have doubt, because we’re programmed to seek what is familiar.

you are making the right decision.