Broken after narcissistic marriage but having to survive for DC

[Abby33]

Divorcing narcissistic husband - in the process of drawing up papers with solicitor and I think going over the abuse has been really quite traumatic. I have been in counselling for a year and it is only now I can actually contemplate speaking to a solicitor to move forward with divorce. Husband cheated, abused me and the children emotionally, left in a cloud of deceit involving another married family and the breakup of their children’s lives but yet hasn’t and won’t move forward with divorce except to scream it at me over the phone if I dared ask him why and how he could treat me and our children this way. Those phones calls have stopped. It is email
contact only at the behest of my solicitor so at least that torture has stopped but husband is enjoying life free of responsibilities. Won’t have DC overnight - takes them and wants to keep them up past their bedtime and then drop them home too I can do bed time. I am exhausted as I work full time and if I ask him to honour bedtime routines etc he screams about HIS time with the children etc.
Anyway, the point of this post is that today I found an old phone of his rattling in a drawer and decided to charge it. I had a look at photos etc in spanning the first two years of our children’s lives - I am happy and smiling in all photos and videos. It’s so beautiful but heartbreaking for me to see this as he wore me down so much in the end that believed that I was an ogre to him. Alongside these family pictures are hundreds of near naked selfies of himself that’s he taken in the bathroom whilst the rest of the house were sleeping. I have no idea why. He’s posing in the mirror etc. and pictures of me sleeping which I also I no idea about.
Sorry for the essay but it’s so difficult to talk about this in real life not only for the fact that my husband as painted me as unstable. Thanks for listening x

Well done for escaping this horrible man. That’s the hard bit. You’ll be ok.

Thanks so much. I really hope so as at the minute, it doesn’t feel that way.

Hang in there! The pics are just additional proof that you've made the right decision and are moving towards a new better, life, day by difficult day. Do you have any friends who've also divorced? I found it was a life saver to be able to share and sympathise. It may feel too tough but one day, it'll be a distant memory that in no way pulls at heart strings

It's just a slog. I don't think people realise unless they've actually been through it.

I've had 18 months of counselling, and the divorce is underway, but I've got to sell the house, work full time, and l've got the children (older than yours) with me. I've been crying this afternoon, because I'm just exhausted and he's done sod all.

Just keep going forwards. Boundaries, low contact etc. It is definitely getting easier for me as the days pass.

Why is that they do nothing in the way of the divorce yet are the ones storming out of family and marriage in a cloud of threats and misery?
I hope things continue to get easier for you and your children. X

Would it help to get a child contact arrangement through family court so he has to return them at a decent hour (at the behest of a judge and not you).

I think unless you've been in an abusive relationship, it's difficult to truly understand just how broken it leaves you. I find reading lots of short quotes and statements about it really helpful. It helps me to be kind to myself, to be patient when I don't feel like I'm recovering quickly enough and to validate my complex emotions.

I really fear going down the court route as my husband is a professional charmer and well at this point, I am pretty broken.

You brave, beautiful woman.

Keep on going - you are getting stronger. It won't happen in leaps and bounds, but baby steps, and then one day you'll turn around and wonder how you got so far.

He may be a charmer but you can't change the law and if you have a solicitor worth their fee, you'll be ok. Don't let him still reside in your head and make you feel like you're less than what you are - that's what he wants and that's the abuse still lingering. It'll take a while to recondition your brain, but it will happen. Stick with your counselling, it's worth every single second.

I promise you'll get there - from someone who was diagnosed as suffering from narcissistic abuse via my father. The only way I managed to make more sense of it in my head is remember that being narcisstic to the point of abusing others is a genuine mental illness, but still, don't let the bastard grind toi down.

Sending so much support xxx

I’m 18 months out of a marriage with a narcissistic. Best thing I could have done for me and DD. We are so much happier! She’s 10 now. She sees through him.
I highly recommend checking out Caroline Strawson. She’s a trauma and recovery expert. She had a narcissistic husband and rebuilt her life from bankruptcy. She trained as a coach. She does some free online seminars and a podcast. There’s a podcast on divorcing the narcissist and navigating court. I think you’d find it really helpful. Good luck!

What is a narcissist actually?

You have my full support btw - I am very proud of you and hope you rebuild your life with the best people