Relationship with coworker turning weird

[LizzieB44]

I work in an office with more than a hundred employees and I have a small circle of friends I usually have lunch with. We've been work friends for 5 years. We don't meet after work so it's not a close friendship.
In September, one of them started to talk to me more. Due to the new hybrid mode at work after Covid, we split the office days and my days matched his so there were many times when we had lunch alone. He's five years younger than me and single, I am married and have a kid so we don't have much in common but we get along and he seems to enjoy talking to me because after Christmas his attitude started to change. He started sending me messages after working hours (when he traveled, when he bought something he wanted to show me, etc...). He also tries to have lunch alone with me and if someone else joins he's clearly upset, so some people have stopped eating with us and leave us alone. I noticed he remembers each and every detail of our conversations, he sends me links to Youtube songs because they reminded him of me, and in an after work mandatory party he didn't leave my side until 3 am, which felt pretty weird to me and started a lot of office gossip.

To summarise, he only talks to me now, he got distant from the group, if I'm not in the office he prefers to eat alone and he seems to be everywhere I go in the office. The issue is, I'm very professional at work and I don't want anything to damage my place in the company. I don't like all this attention but on the other hand I wonder, am I overreacting? I mean, what does this all mean and why me? There are plenty of young, single women in our office so why choose me to spend time with? I'm not very attractive and I don't have one of those charming personalities so I'm really confused. Should I put more distance between us after 5 years?

It does sound likes he has a crush on you.

As other people have started noticing, I would definantly try to break his hold. Casually invite other people for lunch or go and sit with them. If he gets upset, so be it. Not your problem.

Regarding his messages, ignore them. If he says anything, just brush him off, or say you’re too busy with family stuff to read every message you receive.

You obviously realise there’s a problem or else you wouldn’t ge posting.

I want to clarify that I come from Italy and I am aware of my not-perfect English (I got a few PMs about this) so please, be patient with me.

Your english is absolutely fine. Yes it sounds like he has a crush. If he wanted just to expand your friendship he wouldn't be sending songs that remind him of you regularly. That's schoolboy crush territory.

I agree that it would be wise to just try and distance yourself, have lunch with others or go for a walk if nobody is free, maybe say you have a personal call to make. Invite people to join conversations, ignore messages outside work or give a thumbs up or 'I'll reply in full at work on Monday'. At any functions, make a point of excusing yourself to talk to someone else if he keeps clinging.

Don't get anxious about it, you're married and not feeding this so he will stop eventually. Just a bit of polite distance will make this even clearer to both him and any gossips.

People have sent you PMs about your written English on here?

As far as the guy's concerned, I think you need to make sure someone else comes for lunch with you every single time. Talk to them about your husband/family. The idea of this guy sitting there thinking he's got something going on with you is really creepy!

Yes definitely mention your husband plenty!

He’s reading way too much into this and is quite anti social, get rid of him, slowly start dropping him into the abyss.

Your English is great, OP. It sounds like he has a crush on you and he’s forcing you into 2-person lunches when you would rather eat with the group. And sticking by you at parties enough to cause gossip. You’re going to have to be quite firm about this because you don’t want it impacting your job or making you look unprofessional. Don’t let him trap you into 2-person lunches. Start joining the group again. You don’t owe him anything and he is putting you in a position which is starting to compromise you.

Your English is excellent, not sure why you've received comments otherwise.
This is definitely a schoolboy crush but he sounds a bit of a loner too and has appeared to have fixated on you. As others have said, make sure you join groups at lunchtime and chat about your husband and family. I wouldn't reply to non work related texts from him and if he comments just say you have had a busy family weekend. Be polite, but cool and distant and hopefully he will get the message.

Thank you all for your kinds words about my English and all your help. You're right and it's time to stop this.
He's on vacation now and he sent me a drunk message at 1 am, from a party, impossible to understand but very long and in three different languages. If he thinks about me at 1 am in a party in Ibiza instead of having fun with friends/girls there, then I guess there is a big problem here.

I'd be tempted to send him a message whilst he's away to say that you'd like him to concentrate on his friends rather than messaging you whilst in Ibiza. In addition, you think that you and he shouldn't be spending so much time together.

I'd be careful what you write though, in case he tries to use it against you!

I just wouldn't respond to 1am texts.

And when you see him next 'listen John why don't you go try chat to the other people in the office sometimes. It's not that your company isn't welcome but people are starting to talk'.

I would have said that to him at the party too.

I'd also start saying 'oho, here's my shadow coming' and similar jokes if he tries to butt into conversations with others. Make it clear he's being a little clingy.

And make the effort to chat with your office friends more too. He doesn't get to distance YOU from them.

And as pp said, mention your husband a lot.

I’d ignore drunken 1am texts as well. Good advice about mentioning your husband alot and chatting to other people. Take control of the situation , and you decide who you want to chat to, not him.