Please bear with me this is my first mum’s net. I try to be quick on point.
I can to UK Oct 2005 from Gujarat India, I been with Mrs 16 years (2007) and have two daughter 6 (2016) and 3 (2019). Mrs is British. This didn’t go down well with my local community so gradually I been neglected and lost touch with my community. It hurt so much to start with that why my people not accepting her as my wife. But as said I gradually moved on because my rock Mrs is with me, and we were young in 20’s so had strong physical desire and had world to explore as well as career to be made. Meanwhile I got busy learning and adapting her way of life and become 90% integrated / British. I don’t know if I wanted it or not but at the time it felt correct thing to do. By integrating I made my life 95% easier to live (knowing A to B which most emigrants strugglers) and that helped me to progress so much in my professional life as well as bit of social life (Mainly with English counterpart e.g. running club / work colleagues etc)
Fast forward many years, many of my community haven’t manage to integrate, but me been with Mrs for 16 years, Has huge influence in my life by integrating I have educated myself hell lot to western fundamentals of life which ones again don’t fit in my community or family for that matter. (e.g., Health and safety, Food hygiene and God knows how many thigs) So these differences created huge distance / gap even with my brother, sister, and parents. Because I was eager to show them and educate them.
Our relationship / marriage had common interest of watching TV series, Films, Comedies going out for restaurant etc, but this faded due to first child in 2016. I offered bring my parents over as childcare support but due to differences mention above (How it done in UK and How its done back home India) Mrs did not wanted that help. Mrs parents was also part time working at this stage so little help. We felt, I don’t have any community relationship or connection and from Mrs side her sister not going to have children therefore our first daughter won’t have anyone to play with. I also kind of wanted son. So, we had second daughter late 2019, March 2020 was covid and lockdown. Thigs got difficult. We can’t watch tv, we can’t go out for restaurant meal, and second child has sleep issues more and more sleepless nights (to date) basically we both argued on various things and that is ended relationship. I want to teach girls my culture, morals and values but doesn’t seem going well due to Mrs English and some of it doesn’t fit in her views. E.g. She is six year old you can’t expect them to be tidy all the time, and my view is yes but we can teach them basic like make bed as soon as you come out of bed.
Anyway May 2022 Mrs decided to call a day and want to separate / divorce. I have tried everything I can till April 2023 to save the marriage, but she won’t change her mid.
The help and opinion I need now is, Mrs and Gils are my world. (Not for shake of saying they are)
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I left everything / sacrifice to be with Mrs - I adopted so much of local culture, language, festivals, social customs etc (which gradually made me far away from my community / people) therefore without Mrs and her family I have no one – lonely won’t cut it.
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Active sex life was biggest stress buster for me, I have urinary issues which made enjoying of intercourse little difficult but somehow snuggling Mrs taking all my worries away just like magic and still had enjoyable sex life to certain degree. Now this has stopped from past 12-13 months, and my stress levels constantly stays high. I am still in love with her and can’t relax enough to enjoy or do masturbate. Infect I am struggled to get erection without she next to me. Doctor says this is not related to urinary issues but physiological. She enjoys herself without me and masturbates as and when she like but that then bothers me (not because she enjoying herself but more like she enjoying without me, and I can’t without her) – How do I stop bothering myself and move on? As looks like she has move on.
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How do I repair my community and family relationship? Even though I feel I don’t have any place left in it. Because for them I become British. And by pointing out difference I made myself many enemies. (Intention was to help them by pointing out where we are going wrong rather than bringing them down but sadly it did not go well e.g., you have two degree you can do better than taxi driver or takeaway)
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Divorce / Separation – I don’t know and don’t want it. Never anticipated I will be in this situation, and I have to start again from scratch but this time with two young daughters to care for. My culture, values, and the way I brought up tells me divorce isn’t an option and you marry ones, you loved ones and it’s your fate / destiny. You just worked it out. And the reason you work out is due to what is guaranty it will all work out with new partner / relationship. Mrs thinks it will be beneficial for all in long run but my view is can you imaging when girls are old enough to understand that daddy sacrificed everything to be with mammy and yet mammy left him after 16 years, that will hurt them lot more. (How is it beneficial?) I am also against the fake-ness we currently doing / acting like nothing is happen. Which is also not good for girls as we are basically teaching them lies.
Just even getting this out feels little lighter (this is purely part of integration I learn from Mrs type out when you can’t find anyone to speak to)
I still love her to bits and want to be with her but she doesn’t and I feel how long I am going to live life like this its not good both physical or mentally.
So far I feel I lived for wife been in my life (husband role) and now I have to live for Girls (father role). But I really miss been loved and cared for, I miss emotional and physical needs and support.
Thank you for reading and any help is welcome, if you from Gujarat India then that’s icing on cake (the reason been they can see issues from my end due to lack of cultural understanding with non Gujarati / Indians)