About to confront DH

[Philosopherstone]

I have found text messages on another phone which prove my DH has been having an affair with a girl in work. I feel sick and I'm shaking and I want to rip his head off please help me stay calm.

I will be asking him to leave I am so upset he has gaslit me for months now.

I'll wish you all the very best and offer a hand hold.

Good luck

Your poor thing.

What’s your set up? Home? Work? Children?

Is he likely to go quietly? You say he’s been gaslighting you, has he been abusive in other ways?

I done it via text because I couldn't hold it in. He tried to dismiss them so I blanked him and he came back from work and came in the door ranting about how I'm a headcase going through a phone and that we were only together for the children anyway. I just laughed.

What is it when they react this way like defensive and threatening things.

For some reason he's really angry, we can separate easily and just organise contact between him and the children.

He's angry as he can no longer have his cake and eat it. Very sorry OP good luck 💐

So sorry you're going through this OP💐

He's angry as he wanted to keep you as his security blanket who looked after his kids and ironed his shirts while also wanting to shag around and have his fun. I'm sorry he's such an asshole OP. Look after yourself.

He's angry cause he's been found out.

What a dick. Keep strong OP. I wish I had the strength you clearly have.

He's angry in an attempt to put you back in your box and conform. Keep laughing at him while you kick him out.

He's trying to use anger to shut you up and back you down. When that doesn't work prepare for possible tears and pleading and a show of remorse.
You know what you know OP.

Thank you all, I'm not responding to him further and have said I don't want any explanations.

Good on you OP. He will only try to gaslight you.
I hope he goes easily.
If he keeps shouting him remind him he killed the relationship quietly so he can now go and die quietly.

"He's angry in an attempt to put you back in your box and conform. Keep laughing at him while you kick him out."

THIS. He's no right to be angry. None at all.

Get some physical support around you.

Tell him calmly that his anger is making you feel physically unsafe and it's a bad environment for the children and he needs to leave.

He's angry because he's been caught, but your priority now is your safety and that of your children.

Wanted to send you a handhold and hugs, can't add to what others have said, your response to him is spot on x

Sorry you're going through this. Stick to your guns, don't let him undermine you x

Ignore him now. Level head on. Get copies of all financial docs incase he tries to hide anything in the divorce. Change all your passwords. Stay calm, and think smartly about what you need access too, or he could withdraw it and you'd have no proof.

At least you know. You know and you were right. Not only did he lie but he tried to make you doubt yourself. Right now you need to stay calm and play the long game. Think about how you want this to play out. Is he going to leave. Could you ever trust again? Will there be divorce? Could he get violent? Sometimes the best thing you can do is stay quiet, gather up documents, secure your money and confront when those are safe. Never underestimate what a cornered cheater might do.

A huge hug- when I found out something shitty I actually held it in for 6 weeks before confronting- I actually was that wound up by the time I confronted I felt like I wanted to poke him in the eyes with a rusty nail anger didn't cover it and I'm a very calm person normally - they always stay utterly stupid things when confronted off the top of their head- basically because they know there is no excuse and their behaviour is plain shitty

@Philosopherstone

I don't know why MN keep showing old threads.

Anyway OP, how are you doing? Did you split up with husband in the end?

@YerArseInParsley

Name change sorry someone took that old one, I've put a few threads up in this new name you can probably search.

Yes we separated just before Christmas and managed to get him to leave the family home. He blocked all the girls initially however I found more texts few months later. Still don't know exactly what happened because he won't admit anything and he's being an utter arsehole but he's out and I'm ok.