Behaviour - premenstrual

[bted]

Hi

I'm looking for some advice, and really conscious that I may come across as a male chauvinist pig, which is really not my intention. The issue is similar with other friends who I would consider pretty good husbands, and kind men.

How do you raise the pattern of behaviour that is becoming pretty obvious to me, and friends say similar, in that leading up to a period my wife's mood becomes much more strained. Arguments start with me, and with kids, snappiness, no patience. Don't get me wrong its not terrible, I just keep my head down and let is pass, but it would be great to be able to have a grown up conversation that said "can you be aware that you're in a terrible mood for a couple of days, and bear that in mind when things irritate you that usually don't".

I'm not saying it isn't ok to be affected by this, that I don't understand why it is, just want to say - can we maybe say be aware of it, and take it into account.

Seems a common thing that men can't mention it, but its there.

Genuinely looking for advice over how to raise, or even if its always better to just let it pass.

If your wife is PMSing can you not just look after her? During my PMS my partner is just extra nice to me, gets me some chocolate, extra cuddles, deals with the kids if they are being frustrating more, that kind of thing.

PMS is horrible and it is worse if your partner is just annoyed by it and expects you to soldier on without anyone making any concessions for you.

It’s not that things irritate her that normally don’t, it’s that normally she is able to keep her irritation and upset and ‘moods’ inside but while struggling with pain and hormonal changes she’s unable to also contain her irritation and bad moods.

I think @Dontbeaclown has articulated it well. I'm aware of the "RAGE" in the week before my period. It's not that I'm angry for no reason, but it IS that I am disproportionately angry.

How old is your wife? If she's over 40, she may well be starting perimenopause and the moods and irritability may be getting worse. I don't think it's unreasonable to mention (after her period, when you can have a normal conversation), that you've noticed her PMS seems to be worse, particularly in terms of mood and is there anything you can do to help. She may not even be aware of it yet - it took me a while to realise what was happening.

How does she sleep? I struggle with sleep at the best of times and the week before my period is horrendous so I'm also so exhausted. I just want people to be nice to me at that point, not ask me endless questions and try to do nice things for me becuase the rest of the time I'm doing nice things for everyone else.

You could sit down with her during some alone time when it's preferably calm, and explain that you are aware of her mood change leading up to her period and ask if there is anything you could do to make things a little easier for her, acknowledge that it isnt pleasant for her and that you just want to help. A little empathy can go a long way! Especially when a woman is extra sensitive 😄 good luck!

Well there is a theory that when women are pms ish, we don’t have the capacity to ‘mask’ in the manner we’re usually socialised to. So it depends on what other issues there are really.

It’s why some women who divorce often see their pms improve dramatically.

I’m 40 and approaching perimenopause, and have noticed my PMS getting worse.

Ive ranted and raved at my DH and we have had horrific arguments- sounds much worse than your experience of your wife’s totally normal and understandable irritability.

We (society) have been brainwashed (by tampon advertisers, among other cultural forces) to expect women to deal with their menstrual cycle in silence, as if it’s nothing and “act normal” throughout. This is nigh on impossible. It’s tiring, painful, and there are hormonal swings which necessitate time spent resting/alone because of natural higher anxiety and irritability. We, of course, never get this time alone so the anxiety and irritability goes unchecked. We all need to understand this better, not just you OP. It’s nice you seem to want to understand more.

I suggest you educate yourself on the menstrual cycle and its impacts on mood and energy levels and adjust your expectations accordingly. Reading some Erckhart Tolle on the subject also wouldn’t be a bad thing for you.

Sorry posted too soon.

There are lots of supplements and micronutrients which can support hormone regulation. Good diet, exercise (including yoga which helps strengthen and regulate the parasympathetic nervous system response to stressors) and meditation might help support your wife’s health, and therefore her mood (or her ability to see, acknowledge and regulate her own moods).

My advice to you for when she’s like this? Get her to a place where she can rest alone (what does that look like for her? The tv? A walk? You feeding/putting the kids to bed?). Leave her to it. Let her alone. Let her rest.

Hi thanks all, some interesting stuff.

I think the thing is it's the proportionality of things, and I get what I feel is a disproportionate response. I've spoken about it with friends, and its not just towards me, but towards kids too, we all have similar experiences.

I'd love to be able to sit down and talk calmly about it, and was interested in the best way to approach it. I'm trying to help, but it's all not ok to excuse all behaviour because of this. It is only talking about the things that I do feel go too far, and how those can be addressed, by each of us and kids.

thanks for the messages anyway

I think what I'm struggling is with is being able to say, as kindly as possible "your mood has changed, could this be your cycle"

I'm pretty certain it is, the timings match, but it hasn't gone well when I've mentioned it in the past, friends have similar experiences.

The response feels disproportionate to you because as another poster said she masks 75% of the time, it’s not disproportionate to her because that’s the amount of irritation built up inside of her.

It shouldn't be such a taboo subject tbh, that's not necessarily your fault especially if she is reluctant to talk about it, but you haven't answered about what it is you do to help her get through this time. While I agree that PMS is not a green light for any and everything, it still kind of sounds like you are trying to dismiss it as unacceptable.

Is it that she is actually reluctant to talk about it or does she know how the conversation is going to go, as in does it feel like more of an admonishment by you than an actual "I want to help".

So what do you do in practical terms to help her during that week? Eg do you offer extra help with the kids and and chores and try to be as kind and thoughtful towards her as possible? If she is short tempered or tearful just ask her what you can do to help, rather than taking offence or treating her as though her feelings are ' disprportionate'. It's her hormones, and if you read up about it this is pretty common for a lot of women. Men don't have fluctuating hormones to contend with whereas women are a lot more complex.

The problem with saying "your mood has changed, could this be your cycle" is that although it probably is, it can come across as "you're being irrational and you're wrong to feel angry and upset", rather than "I know I've done something that's annoyed you, but your reaction is disproportionate" - like you're denying she's got any point at all and she's just being crazy. Which is bound to annoy people, really, even without hormonal complications...

Also, she's probably not an idiot, so she'll be well aware that PMS makes her extremely easily annoyed. Suggesting it in the ways you've outlined in your posts runs the risk of implying that she's too stupid to have noticed this thing that happens every month and probably has done since she was a teenager. Also unlikely to go down well.

My suggestion would be to wait until the week after her period and say something like "right, so in the week before your period, the kids and I obviously annoy you more easily. None of us wants that. What can we all do to try and avoid it?"

PMS is often due to progesterone intolerance. This can be massively magnified by the synthetic progestins in hormonal contraceptives. Some of us can't tolerate them at all. Would you be willing to consider a vasectomy so your wife can stop all the hormonal contraceptives? Not being flippant, it genuinely might be the answer if your family is complete.
Took me years to realise what the hormones were doing to me, a lot of women think it's something they just need to suffer with, a GP actually told me there was nothing they could do (I actually thought I was seriously mentally ill). Still get pms but nowhere near on the level I did on contraceptives/hrt which I had to stop for my families sake, and my mental health.

Have you thought that those days is in a different mood because she is tired and therefore she is not taking any extra shit from anyone? Nor even you?

Have you considered a same sex relationship, pretty sure that if that is your future your partner will be always in good mood and will never snap or change his mind. Because mood changing is and always will be just a woman thing.

Just random thoughts that come to mi mind reading you.

Why do you feel you need to mention that you think she has PMT? It's part of her life, not an optional add-on. What she really needs is sympathy and a bit more support than usual.

Are all.your friends that you have discussed this with all men by any chance?
Another experience here where after divorce my PMS has gone. Funny that. I'm not having to carry my ex H as well as sort out two kids.

Yes my DP stays out of my way a lot and doesn't snap back. He handles it just fine

Why don't you try bringing it up as a respectful conversation when she isn't in the middle of it? Or, as others say, just cut her a bit of slack.

I've never experienced PMT as an angry rage thing. It has always affected my sleep quite badly which means I'm constantly tired and just don't have the energy to keep on top of things during that week. There have been times when it's also made me more anxious and less able to cope with how I feel about myself, which means I've felt utter despair at times. I started to keep a diary and recognised the pattern myself so I go a bit easier on myself and tell myself that if I still feel this way in a weeks time, I'll go to the GP or whatever. Its always fine in a weeks time and I have completely forgotten that a few days ago I was convinced that me being unalive would be better for everyone.

Other women who have posted are right. The things that caused me to feel that way are present all the time. It's not an irrational, out of nowhere feeling but tolerating the shit feels less manageable at certain times. So, I wouldn't have seen the issue if someone had tried bringing it up with me when I felt that way because the things that made me feel that way were always there. And, actually, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to tolerate the shit!

It is not that everything is ticking along nicely and suddenly, out of nowhere, your wife becomes a monster. It's that her capacity to not give a shit about the things that are pissing her off has temporarily reduced.

It's always been touted as 'women's issues' or whatever because that allows men to carry on as before and puts the onus on the women to correct their feelings. When, actually, the issues are ever present but women are socialised to be nice and men are socialised to do their own thing without question.

I think I'm going to go against the grain here a little and whilst I do agree with PP to an extent, I am a 40 year old perimenopausal woman and I am an absolute monster, prior to my period.
It is to a degree, pent up frustration, and I do see that clearly at the time too. But I also, hate, and I mean hate my partner for that week. In fact, it's that week currently, and he's away working, and I don't even want to speak to him. And he's done nothing. He's a Saint, and the other 3 weeks of the month, he's my hero and I absolutely adore him. I can see it, I feel the guilt and I do everything on my power to rationalise. But it doesn't work. When I do feel it beginning, I tell him my period is due. I apologise during and after. Because its shit for him too. As much as it's shit for me to go through.
I'd advise having a conversation the week after her period. Just explain you want to help, ask what she'd like from you. Believe me, I know how hard it is for you too. I guess, we have to be grateful for small mercies and know and understand its not constant, and it will end..one day ha!

You can only control your own actions so your options are:

1. Leave her and only live with men or menopausal women
2. Change your behaviour so you don't irritate her as much
3. Accept her changes

Mine has been known to retreat to the shop. Buy the biggest bar if chocolate he can find. Throw it from the door and vanish. Makes me properly laugh.

Sometimes all those irritations that happen we can usually ignore become amplified ttotm. Sometimes it just is.

Definitely not something to bring up during. After, absolutely. sometimes I think people should be able too retreat somewhere they can be by themselves when they feel overwhelmed like that. Like a heath rule.