Lies from 6 years ago

[newandconfused5]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years, have 3 children, mortgage and engaged but not married.

Before our relationship, my partner enjoyed the party scene and took recreational drugs. When we started a relationship it was a deal breaker moving forward and was not something I wanted in a relationship. He was happy to leave that lifestyle behind and we since had no issues.

During a random conversation this week, I asked him if he had taken drugs during our relationship. He admitted to taking a single line of cocaine 6 years ago during a stag weekend away. At the time we had 1 dc who would have been two, no mortgage etc.
he told me he didn't tell me at the time as we had hit a bit of a rough patch and he thought I would have left him had he told me.

I feel so upset by this information but it also seems so silly because it was 6 years ago. He says there has been nothing since, he instantly regretted and felt devastated by it.

I feel like he took risks on our relationship at a low point and then had lied to me to cover his tracks. I feel cheated out of the chance to react to this information and he has manipulated me. He keeps telling me to look at our family now and what we have achieved.

Am I right to feel so hurt by this? How do I move forward or am I overacting?

No frickin way would it have been a “single line” of coke. Not coke OP

During a random conversation this week, I asked him if he had taken drugs during our relationship. ’

why on earth would you have randomly asked this when it had been a decade since hed given up that lifestyle as far ad you were concerned?

Two things

1. it wasn’t a single line once
2. sometimes we have to decide if people are “good enough”. How is the relationship generally?

It's not unreasonable to feel how you feel.

BUT coke on one occasion, 6 years ago is not something to ruin a relationship over imo.

I honestly can't quite remember why I questioned him directly. I really can't, it was a bit of a shock and I fee quite rattled by it.

He is adamant that it was a single line, that he instantly regretted it and sent the rest of the evening hating it. He hated the whole weekend and distanced himself after the first night. I do remember him calling me the next day being upset and something that happened during one of the daytime activities and he had taken himself back to the hotel.

Relationship has been up and down over the years. But he has never disappeared or been on benders etc. hardly goes out or drinks. Occasional stag dos but these of slowed up. Once a month maybe goes to the local pub and home by midnight and work the next day

Before our relationship, my partner enjoyed the party scene and took recreational drugs.

If things are good in general it's one slip up on a stag do, given that you knew his background I don't think it's worth pursuing. In any case, what are your options? If you believe that it was a one off, are you going to leave him because of this? If you don't believe him, are you going to try to get him to tell you the truth? If so, then what? How will you know it's the truth?

I'd let this lie, if things are otherwise well, it's not a bolt out of the blue, it's not like it's completely out of character, or it's impacted your family in a wider sense. I'd let it go for the greater good of the family, and tell him if he does it again, you'll have his balls for earrings.

He is saying it was a single line... but I now can't be sure of anything so could have been use throughout the night.

I can't work out if a single line or multiple lines makes it worse.. I guess it is but I'm kind of just lumping it together. He used drugs that night when he knew it would be a massive issue for us. So I guess 1 or 10 is kind of irrelevant in a way?

I agree that focussing on the one line or ten lines isn't helpful for you right now. You know he's been into party drugs, you didn't have children with a choir boy, he has a past involving recreational drugs that you knew about. Unless you have evidence of or suspicions otherwise, and it was a one off slip up years ago, I'm not sure what the benefit to you and the kids would be to pursue this because you said a decade ago it would be a dealbreaker.

Unless it's creeping back in as a habit, or you're going to stand by your dealbreaker and follow through and leave him due to this, there's nothing you need to do other than express to him that you feel upset and fearful that it will impact your family and if it does you'll have to take the best action for you.

He's told you, he regrets it, I would move on
He could have easily lied over something that happened 6 years ago?
I would just say how upset you are and then try and put it behind you.

You are in a position where really you can ask him 100 times what he did 6 years ago or more or less than that time, but all you’ll have to go on is his word. So it’ll never really settle you hearing what he has to say, if you don’t trust it. If it’s true that it was one time 6 years ago then that’s not the worst thing, not ideal but don’t think it should end a strong relationship. Is there maybe something else at the moment going on that caused you to question what he did re drugs in the past?
Unless you have concrete proof of stuff like a video of him taking more than a line, I’d be say it try to move past it for everyone’s benefit.

I would leave it now.