Time to leave?

[Notsureanylonger]

I went to DH's study to talk to him about something this morning. He immediately tried to get his phone screen closer to his chest and away from me. I tried to look at his phone but he quickly closed some apps. I was very upset and accused him of hiding things from me. This is not the first time he is doing it. I caught him hiding his screen from me quite a few times when I unexpectedly got close to him. Of course he always claims he is not hiding anything. I was so angry and said if he is not hiding anything can he hand his phone to me to check. He remained silent. Then both of us had online meetings as we work from home. I told him I wanted a divorce but he pretended nothing happened and carried on as normal.

I feel this should be the end of our marriage but am also torn of the idea to break up the family for our children (11 & 13).

Pros: he is very nice to me and pretty much let me do what I want. He respects my opinions and always go along with what I decide in terms of holidays, house, furniture, kids' activities etc. Our life is comfortable. He does housework and is a very good dad.

Cons: shortly after we got married ( almost 20 years ago), I caught him flirting to other women online. He cried and said it won't happen again. Then in the same conversation he confessed he had to take medication to get an erection. I should have left him then but didn't. Our sex life was ok until kids were born. His performance then declined. In recent years, he is not able to get an erection at all even with medication. Gradually we stopped all intimacy. We now sleep in separate bedrooms(my idea). It bothered me before but not so much anymore as I am probably pre-menopause so do not currently have a strong sex drive. Also I don't find him attractive anymore as he is gaining a lot of weight. He has no friends and is socially awkward. I am a sociable person. That's another area I am not too happy about.

DH is intelligent, knowledgeable, kind and gentle. But there is another side of him I seem to have never figured it out, like the secrecy with his phone. I don't think he is having an affair (he wouldn't be able to physically anyway). Whenever I try to communicate with him about it, I feel I am hitting a brick wall. He would gaslight or remain silent. He then carries on normally at home and tries to be a good husband, hoping I would move on. But this time I feel enough is enough. I don't think I can trust him anymore. If that's the case, what's the point to stay in the marriage?

Well, why indeed! It sounds as though you live alongside each other rather than with each other. If he's up to something, it might not even feel like a betrayal in his mind.

What do YOU want from a relationship? Is this enough for you?

If he’s a great dad, then he will still be a great dad when you separate which is the most important factor in determining how well the DC cope with a separation.

Your happiness is also important. I don’t think you’ll regret breaking up.

@Notsureanylonger
You can't trust him because he prefers to not have you looking at his phone screen? Does he try to look at your phone screen? I don't that I would want my spouse trying to sneak peeks at my screen. When I have something that I wish to share , I say " take a look at this " and I don't have anything to hide. I just don't like having my privacy invaded. I am perfectly happy to invite him to take a look, but I would not like him sneaking peeks. I would find that creepy and very off putting.

Are you saying that you have decided not to trust him because of something that happened 20 years ago? You've waited a mighty long time to decide that you no longer trust him.

He may indeed be having phone sex because that is the only kind of sex he is capable of having. Would you play phone sex games with him if he were to ask? Would you propose it as a possible addition to enhance your relationship?

You say that you no longer find him attractive. Would you say that to him if he were to ask? My guess is not.

It seems as though neither of you is very open or honest with the other.

Your ship seems to have sailed with neither of you at the helm.. You both seemed to have given up on this marriage and are just waiting for someone to pronounce it.

@Mari9999
Thanks. That's a good perspective. I don't mind him checking my phone as I have nothing to hide. I don't mind him to sneak peeks at my phone screen either. But privacy definitely seems more important to him. A few years ago, he behaved very odd and avoided me when he was on his phone. I later found out he lost a large amount of joint assets to a con man. I told him not to trust that online person but apparently he didn't listen and lied to me. He was seeking financial help from his parents instead of confessing to me. I found out about the whole thing by checking his phone when he was asleep. I don't have any desire to check his phone now. It seems I am more angry at his secretive behaviour than whatever he tries to hide from me. If he tells me he is having phone sex, I would be fine. He also knows I would be fine. If he invites me, I will be happy to join him. But his quiet and reserved nature prevents him from doing so (I think). I know I could initiate it too but I am just not bothered. I guess you are right we both seem to have given up on the relationship but I know at least for him, he does not want to break up the marriage.

I don't know to be honest. I am happy most of the time. We have lovely children. He is a good partner helping run the household and raise children. We get along well. If I leave the marriage, I might end up alone or never find someone suitable. I compare whether I would be happier alone or staying in this friendship relationship with him, but cannot draw a conclusion.

I know he will remain a great dad. But I worry about the impacts on our children from our breakup. Our current house is my dream house. We would need to sell it if we separate as neither of us could afford the mortgage alone. We live in a very expensive area. That means we will have to buy/rent two much smaller places as we don't want kids to lose their friends. Life quality will definitely reduce for my children. Do they deserve that?

He has form already for flirting with women and deep down you know he’s using his phone to do the same now.

Please do not remain in such a marriage for the supposed sake of the children. Whose sake are you staying for, theirs or more likely your own because it’s somehow easier?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. What their dad teaching them?. Your children are not stupid and they do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. One day also your kids will leave home or he retires, what then for you or he?.

Your children need one happy parent far more than a nice house in an expensive area or a lifestyle you want to maintain. They are also aware that the two of you sleep separately, their friends parents do not necessarily do that. There’s a tense atmosphere in your home and they can pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken.

Your relationship bar re him is really low here isn’t it; he’s nice to you and let’s you do what you want like organising holidays or furniture for the house (he does that in order for he not to do this). He neither therefore runs the household or really raises the children, you do. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Just as you have indeed done. Better to be on your own than to remain so badly accompanied. And you’re pretty much on your own now in your marriage, this is really nothing more than convenient for either of you now. If there is no trust there is no relationship.