Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I the problem or is it my husband?

18 replies

Lerniemia · 28/06/2023 22:17

I don’t even know what I’m looking for here.. Support I guess or advice but my husband does the bare minimum when it comes to the kids, apparently it’s a mother’s job 99% of the time, he also does the bare minimum with actually engaging and interacting with us as a family more so when we’ve had a disagreement or argument he withdraws from all parenting responsibilities which I’ve had enough of after several years of the same cycle of behaviour from him and you could say I’m at the point now where I am resentful of him and have checked out.

He has all these expectations of what the kids should be doing but never actively participates or follows through so this evening he wanted our daughter to do maths work, not school work but his own version of doing maths because he wants her to be ahead of other kids. He told her he will give her the sums to do at 5:30pm and as always 5:30pm came and he was doing his own thing, either playing PS5 or upstairs locked up in the room. I told my daughter that she can just read today as daddy still hasn’t given her the work he said he would and then she can go and play Roblox which she usually gets an hour to play at 7pm. He finally comes marching down to her room at 7pm saying she has to do maths now. I told him no you didn’t follow through with the time you said and therefore it’s now 7 and she’s having her 1 hour play time. He went mental saying I’m denying him from being a parent and then shouted if you want to break up then just do so but you won’t stop me from parenting. He then storms off upstairs and my daughter burst into tears obviously very upset asking if we’re breaking up and why and that she’s sad and just wants us to be happy. He’s now hiding in the room while I’m trying not to breakdown and comfort our child that he has upset once again but apparently I’m the bad parent. I’m always left with the remnants of his destruction and I have to hold it together and not lose it or cry in front of the kids. I’m just devastated this is my life.

OP posts:
BeCruelToBeKind · 28/06/2023 22:24

He’s an arse.
What a horrible situation to be living in. Such a cruel thing to do to a child too, great parenting! Sounds like he only sets these things up so he can kick off and storm about when you pull him up on his actions again.
If you don’t want this to be yours and your children’s life could you leave? I know it’s easier said than done, but the alternative is suffering this for the next 5, 10, 20 Years?

cocksstrideintheevening · 28/06/2023 22:28

Well he's twat isn't he?

Groutyonehereagain · 28/06/2023 22:31

He’s a complete man child and therefore utterly unable to be a parent. I’m sorry @Lerniemia . 💐

massiveclamps · 28/06/2023 22:33

Your poor daughter. Now she's going to be worried sick that it's her fault and she's going to cause a break-up.

You are not the problem. He is, and that was a despicable thing for him to have said in front of her.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 28/06/2023 22:34

I don't think you really need to ask, but he's clearly a selfish jerk.

Thelnebriati · 28/06/2023 23:28

He sounds authoritarian and controlling. That's a him problem not a you problem.
It is possible for people to learn better ways of parenting, but he'd have to realise he has a problem and take a parenting course.

PickAChew · 28/06/2023 23:36

The 1950s called and want him back.

Rabbitsandgerbils · 29/06/2023 00:04

I’m so sorry OP this sounds awful. He is the problem not you, but knowing what to do about it is more difficult. What a cruel thing for him to do to your DD and to you.

And why the hell is he hiding in his room playing a PS5 like a teenager whilst forcing your DD to do extra maths?

I guess the bigger question is do you still want a relationship with him given his undermining and lack of love and support? Could you separate practically as I appreciate its not an easy time to consider this? Otherwise a discussion with him is warranted about why that is absolutely not acceptable behaviour how you need to parent together and save adult discussions for when you are in private not say things like that in front of the kids and leave you to pick up the pieces.

Big hug to you OP. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Grendell · 29/06/2023 00:14

Like a lot of dads, he would spend more time with his children if you did separate. If you do separate and he doesn't take his time with his children, then that's your answer. He only aspired to be an active dad, but can't carry it through.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 29/06/2023 01:17

It’s him.

cracktheshutters · 29/06/2023 06:20

What a d*ck, I’d be furious. 7pm is too late to be starting homework IMO (unless you can’t help it). Why is a fully grown man playing on a games console instead of spending time with his kids? Fair enough if all the chores are done, kids in bed etc and that’s how you relax, to each their own.

How is your daughter? I couldn’t live with someone upsetting mine like this, not even her own dad. I’d be looking at leaving, sounds like he brings F all to the table anyway, I’d rather be on my own and concentrate on myself and DC. You say you’re devastated this is your life…. It doesn’t have to be? 💐

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/06/2023 06:31

You have a choice re this man, your DD does not. Get off this merry go around and seek legal advice re separation and divorce.

Tiny2018 · 29/06/2023 06:36

So you're a single parent living with a complete waste of space? Why not get rid of the waste of space and just be a single parent?

GoodChat · 29/06/2023 06:39

You're not trying to stop him from parenting because he's not a parent. He's just a piece of shit bully.

Fluffyfluffkins · 10/11/2023 07:16

I think I'd remove that PS2 for starters. Disgusting, irresponsible manchild should be ashamed of himself.

Sorry that you're dealing with this.
. He needs the riot act read to him ( when the kids aren't around to hear it of course) .

SpringleDingle · 10/11/2023 07:26

He’s a bully and a sulky man child. Yuck!

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 10/11/2023 07:30

Print off this thread on pdf having blocked out the names and title of the thread or something and then give it to him.
Or if he’s likely to explode and you’re afraid of him then you’ve got larger issues and need to consider your options.
The man is horrible.

Catopia · 10/11/2023 07:32

So gets to play games all night and she gets extra homework? No... If he actually wanted to interact with her and advance her learning he would be playing maths games with her in the evening (Yatzee, cribbage etc all great for mental arithmetic). Or failing that, buy a maths game that they can play together on the PS5. But no, this is not on. Maybe put the PS5 in the back of your car and set him a series of degree level algebra tonight, see how he feels about that...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread