Can a dead marriage come back to life?

[Rainbowbright23]

Has anyone ever come back from the brink of splitting up, or had a marriage that came back from a (very very) rough patch?
DH and I have had over a year of being in crisis, including him saying he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, but no affairs on either side. We’re contemplating trying again but I’m wondering if you can come back when things have gone so far?

probably not but maybe trying again is part of the process of letting go ultimately

That’s interesting thanks @Menopants

I can see how that works - like if the trying fails then we’ll know for sure 😞

You can always try and come back from a rough patch if you're both willing to try and make changes especially if you both feel it is worth fighting for. But sometimes you have to call it a day before it gets toxic/complicated. Is there something specific that is the root cause or is it an accumulation of multiple things. Sometimes it depends on the circumstances. For example, domestic violence? Lack of respect? Children being affected? Etc

I was told "I don't think I'm in love with you any more." Think that was about 15 years ago. We got through it.

Fight for it.

Absolutely. A rough patch is just that.

The grass is greener where you water it. Marriages need nurturing and require a degree of effort on both parts

What are the main issues from your side?

If he doesn’t love you I’m sure he’d be gone by now unless there’s financial reasons stopping him

@Quitelikeit - what a fab response. Thank you.

Literally in the same situation

Marriage counselling and think I’ve lost all feelings. It has been toxic but I’m willing to try

How long have you guys been trying for? What's made you keep trying? The feelings may slowly come back if you guys are both trying 🙂

Yes we did. However a condition of trying to fix things was DH fixing his issues which stemmed from his shitty childhood. He went to counselling and I’m so glad he did. 10 years later we’re really happy.

@Tojumpasinkingship ^^ That was for you sorry

This book is really excellent:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Not-Relationship/dp/0747585520
No fluffy naval gazing bollocks, no psycho babble, just really good clear advice.
Me and DH read it together and it pulled us out of our rough patch.

I think it can, work on getting some shared interests outside of the home and away from the DC if you have any.
Do you any joint friends, I think going out with other couples can be a positive as you see each other in another light when having a laugh with other people?
Another idea is saying something you like about each other every day.

@PimpMyFridge thank you!

We’ve been trying for possibly four years ….
love languages…. Holidays…. One lot of marriage counselling now on to the second. Financial and older DC is the reason mostly for staying but also the fact that he’s not a cheater, drinker, smoker , ect. Sometimes he’s lovely sometimes he’s vile. But it definitely becomes harder to want to have sex with someone in this senario ….
especially when you have steamed at each other a million times over

Your story sounds the same as mine. We hit the buffers in august, separated 13 weeks ago when he left, he’s now cut me off. Not sure what advice I can give you as I’m quite hopeless at the moment but thought I’d follow this thread and hope that whatever works best for you is how it happens

@MasterBeth ive had this from my husband and then he left. I’m still (deludingly) holding out hope - can I ask how you resolved things?

@LizzieSiddal we’ve separated because H never confronted his shitty childhood issues, now he’s living back at his parents and all is well and forgotten apparently. How did you manage to get your H to address and accept his issues? Did you separate at all?

@PotsnPan I told him I was leaving him and absolutely meant it. I’d even started looking for a house to rent so I could move out asap. He then asked for an another chance and said he’d go to counselling, I will say we’d been there many times before where he’s promise to change but the fact he’s suggested counselling for himself made me give him one last chance.
Thats terribly sad if your H is now living back with his parents and burying what happened to him as a child. Do you have any hope things can be resolved between you?

Thanks for replies and sorry to @PotsnPan and others going through this too. It’s so tough.

I think we are really in last chance saloon territory, trying our best and seeing if something can be salvaged - if not then at least we can split in the most amicable way possible.

I am interested in how you really know if it’s over, if there’s any hope of things getting better, or whether you just have to decide it has no chance of improving.

@Rainbowbright23 it sounds like you guys are really trying which is great. Do you both think you still have feelings for each other deep down? I guess you have to think about

1. What are you both going to change this time round to make it work?
2. There's something still there surely if you're willing to give it another go?
3. Do you both think you will be happier going your separate ways?
4. If you go your separate ways, will there be anything holding you together still ie. Financially/children/house