How do I cope

[Rooroo42]

Husband of 20 years got too close to a Co worker a few months ago, secret messages etc but claims nothing more than that. They still work together which is a huge issue for me. They are attending the same work function this evening and I just feel physically sick at the thought they will be together having fun (there will be other people there), he will be staying overnight in a hotel as he often does as travels a lot with work. I feel like I can’t move on from the betrayal I feel when there is still contact but have been coping a night out though is sending my anxiety through the roof. He is in a specialist industry so changing jobs not that easy and he maintains that I read too much into it and that there was never anything really going on (he said he was talking to her about issues in our relationship) and that there is no more contact like that

@Rooroo42 Im sorry you’re in this situation, having been through very similar I can tell you that the moment they started exchanging messages discussing your “relationship/marriage issues’, it’s emotional affair territory.
Once this happens the potential for a physical affair is quite likely to happen. My now ex husband did the same and I wish that when I was going through it someone had taken me aside and told me what I’m telling you.
You have to have a serious conversation about this work relationship, he needs to cut contact and he certainly shouldn’t be attending overnight work functions while you’re navigating this situation.

Have you told him that it is sending you loopy-lou?

Thank you for replying, I do fully believe it was an emotional affair although he of course says it was never like that. Unfortunately his work requires him to be away from home usually 2 or 3 nights a week and he is often out with customers on an evening or attending various events, it’s been like this most of our life together so it’s sadly just something I have to accept. It’s usually OK because she’s not there but this time she will be and that’s a killer 😢

You can only cope if he gives you reassurance.

Sounds like he is being dismissive of your feelings after he fucked up.

Do you believe he is sorry?
Do you trust him?

I would spend this evening doing whatever the fuck you want to, watch love island, drink wine, eat chocolate, bathe, dance and work out a plan, needed or not, that if he is a cheating fucker what is your escape plan?

Once you have an out plan it's not so scary.

In all truth he is going to do whatever he is going to do tonight. You can now make yourself sick with worry or think fuck it he's lucky to have me if he thinks I'm not enough then fine fuck him whatever.

I think he has seen first hand it’s sending me loopy loo, I had to go onto beta blockers in January, then moved onto anti depressants in March which I quickly came off as I’m not depressed I am just very worried, I’ve lost 2 stone (to be fair I am very happy about that!) and so far have had 3 huge anger rage meltdowns at him where I behaved very out of character and said horrible things 😢. If you wondering why I stay it’s because since it all came out we have actually both seemed to realise how much we mean to each other, we have been getting on better than ever and whilst I don’t believe he would risk things again when I am rational as soon as I feel the worry building I just cannot seem to think like a rational/reasoned person. I started counselling last week after my last verbal rage at him and was told it’s because I am suppressing too much and then it builds like a volcano before the explosion. I know I need to work on my issues but it’s very hard as I feel at threat every time I drop him at the train station and wave him off for a few days 😢

How do you know she will be at this work function?

You can also think, if it helps, you have had 20+ years of him being young, fun, the better years perhaps. So you already win if she wants what's left.

I asked him to tell me every time he has to come into physical contact with her, I was finding I was worrying/panicking for 3 days solid only to find out he hadn’t even seen or spoken to her that week. I know it may sound counterproductive but I would rather know than not know. For instance if he’s away 3 nights and he says she won’t be there then I can settle and am at ease. I’d rather have one shitty meltdown day than feel like this all the time

OP please relax a bit sweetheart you are going to drive yourself into an early grace she isn't worth this stress. Do you think she is worried sick?

Love island and wine!

Try and make a plan to come off any medication.

Look at the facts, he betrayed yet you are on medication and counselling. This isn't the right balance.

Again find that fuck it he's lucky to have me.

He says she is happily married although I certainly found one message from her with a flirtatious tone, as well as the one asking if he was alone so she could call so my mind struggles to believe that!

Ok he has fucked up.
People make mistakes.
You need to forgive him and yourself if you want to stay together and not be ill with worry.

For your sake no one else's.

So have a rooroo evening, when he comes back you can tell him I read this or watched this or phoned x, or went for a drink.

Can you leave the house, as in no kids you need to be in for? It's only 7 can you go to your local with a book and gave a couple of drinks reading, you might get chatting to someone, just somewhere that isn't your 4 walls?

Or a deep pamper, legs, feet, nails, hair.

Anything that is the old rooroo not this temporary loopy-lou one.

She has too much of your headspace rooroo. Stop this. She could be happily married or at least happily enough to not want to divorce, and still have been a bit bored and flattered.

Both things are possible.

Just because you don't believe it doesn't mean it's not true.

Your H isn't a possession, you can't control him, you can only trust him.

You can't make him stay with you.

All you can do is make sure you can deal with life regardless of if he is in it or not.

Would your mental health improve if you broke up?

It's all very well loving him but...you have to love you first and foremost.

So, do you think you could live a happier, healthier, more emotionally healthy life if you just called it a day with him?

My guess is that it might be more painful in the short term. But longterm might be better. Because you are unable to get past this affair and tbf, he's not doing much to show he is worth it. Or indeed, even that he has stopped the affair.

I'd say look into how and where you would be if you decide to call it a day. Sit with the idea.
Use the time he is away to do some fun things alone, for yourself. See if you feel you could enjoy life that way.

If he's going to cheat he will .. so why waste time worring about it? Look inwards instead and ask yourself what you can do for you to make your life happier and more comfortable. And if you'd be better off single for a time.

You are so very right I do think sometimes I just need to give my head a wobble! X

You just need to love yourself first again and not only feel worthy of happiness because he loves you.

That gives him too much power and responsibility.

I do think sometimes I am just going to drive myself insane with it all, hence going to see the counsellor, I have always been an overthinker (and hate being that way), I just opened a bottle and will try an relax thank you x

I have 2 teens so at home, they are of course both up in their rooms, I do have my 2 lovely cockers snuggled up next to me though and had a nice lunch out with a friend today.

You are of course right people make mistakes and he happily admits he made a stupid big one x

I think it’s positive that he’s told you she there, he could have hidden that from you. Let me reassure you that your reaction to his behaviour is normal- as is the loss of appetite etc.
see how he is when he comes home, and have that conversation.

I think I am going to give myself a kick up the bum, he has just called to check in make sure I am OK and reassure me that I have nothing to worry about x

I have thought that and to be honest I don't know what the answer is. and yes you are very right I cannot control what he does or doesn't do and when I am in rational mode theres no part of me that thinks he would take things further with her (even if it was an option), up until 6 months ago I would of said to anyone he was the most honest/trustworthy person you will ever meet, up until this incident he always has done the right thing, almost to the point of being a good two shoes. Its been good to throw some thoughts our there and gain some perspective, this isn't really something I have been talking to anyone about so your responses are all appreciated thank you x