Bit of a vent

[Palmfrond]

I have a lot of affection for my DW, but 75-80% she is a total energy drain on all those around her. She is a bit of a misery tbh, and I spend a certain amount of my time avoiding her, which is not hard as she spends the majority of her free time glued to her phone. She is also not a great mother. I do/did a lot of the mothering in our family, particularly when our kids were small, but it’s not the same. I don’t think we gave our kids the best start in life and it causes me a lot of guilt. I expect push back for saying this but I think a mother’s love and affection (and attention) is qualitively different from a father’s.

I treasure our family as a unit and we do have lots of good times. I understand that my wife probably has underlying mental health problems or unrecognised trauma, but I often don’t like her very much. Reading this forum on mumsnet I think she’d probably be categorised as a narcissist. During a particularly unpleasant phase a few years ago I did actually move out for a while a few years back, but the love bombing was intense (tears, promises, and perhaps unsavoury to admit, sex) and besides I didn’t like being away from my kids lives 50% of the time.

Not sure what I’m trying to do here, especially as from the outside most people perceive our marriage as very sound, just feeling a bit trapped and wanted a bit of a vent.

I sort of agree with you that being a mother and being a father are different but that's because one is done by a female and one by a male.

I don't understand what you mean when you say you did 'mothering'? I mothered my children because I am their female parent - my ability to mother was based solely on my sex.

Do you mean you did some stereotypically or historically female things with your children? Because my husband also did these things but it didn't mean he was 'mothering' our children.

For the rest of it - would it just be better to split up?

How old are the children now? And only you can decide if the good times outweigh the generally not great relationship - are you willing to settle for the sake of staying together as a family? My take is that life is too short to be with someone you frequently actively dislike and find irritating just for the sake of a show of family unity. How is the children's relationship with their mother?

@Holly60 yes perhaps I misspoke; I mean I “tried” to mother them, offer that degree of support that exists between two people one of whom lived within the other for 9 months. I do understand what you mean, but not interested in getting into a gender discussion.

@RatherBeRiding the children are primary school aged, and they love their mother, but part of my conundrum is that she mixes permissiveness with shouting, screaming and sulking when they start (of course) acting out. It’s very frustrating and I don’t know whether two homes, were we to separate, one stable and structured and one that is less so is better than staying and having a bit of structure and a bit of chaos and occasional conflict between the parents. But for my personal happiness, yes life is feeling to short.

It sounds like you're a great father and that you are trapped into a relationship that without kids you would have probably left at some point. That's a difficult one to be in. I had a similar situation, fell in love with a narcissist and had all the ups and downs, the love bombing and the great sex. He had a kid from a previous relationship that I adored and felt trapped that I couldn't leave because I had already developed a bond with the kid. Luckily for me my friends and family intervened and helped me see that I needed to run! Anyway just to say that I see you, I see how honorable your motives for staying are and how hard it must be. I don't know if this helps but when I finally got the courage to leave him FOR GOOD he totally bended to my will, started therapy, listened to whatever I told him without lashing out, etc because he saw that I had given up and he was losing me and he was desperate to fix things (for his ego I think, but that's another story). Anyhow, maybe worth calmly explaining that you want her to do therapy and sort her emotional issues if she wants you to stay in her life? Just a thought. Good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this x