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Original poster

Questioning an STI from 18 years ago?

28 replies

ChickpeaPie · 28/06/2023 11:06

I got together with my DH when we were teenagers. We’re now late thirties, married with kids. There’s something that’s been bugging me recently, probably seeing things differently as a grown adult and not a naive lovestruck teenager.
When we’d been together a short while my husband (then boyf) told me he’d got chlamydia and to get tested. I got tested and had it, treated and no problems since. He said he didn’t know where it was from and thought it might be from a stupid date on a university rugby boys night out which involved all sticking their penis in a pint glass 🤮 I promise he’s a nice man 😂
I believed him, trusted him, got married, had kids, never any suspicion of cheating.
But recently I really want to ask him when the chlamydia came from. Did he cheat on me? I nearly asked him last night as we were taking about university days. But it was 17/18 years ago. Would it change anything? Would I really take the kids and leave him if he told me he cheated on me when we were teenagers?
What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickpeaPie · 28/06/2023 11:07

That was meant to say a dare on a night out not a date

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 28/06/2023 11:09

I'm not sure it would achieve much to ask. A lie from teenage years does not seem worth bringing up now.

bibbityboppityboo · 28/06/2023 11:12

You can get chlamydia through unprotected sex including oral - so if someone dipping their willy in the pint had it, it's definitely plausible that it could get passed around I guess?

Personally 18 years later I'd probably want to know because I'm a nosy cow, but what would it change? Would you leave? Or would it just make you distrust him? But then will now knowing drive a wedge? It's quite a complex situation, but if at the time you accepted it and are only questioning this many years later I'd probably leave it as I wouldn't see any positive outcome from digging into it iyswim.

Fizzadora · 28/06/2023 11:17

I was diagnosed with Chlamydia after 25 years of marriage when I hadn't had sex for nearly 10 years (our choice).
It had never shown up on any previous smear tests. I Googled it extensively at the time to see if it could actually lie dormant for that long without showing any symptoms. I couldn't find anything at that time but it obviously can if the test results were right.
Had to tell DH to go to GP for antibiotics. That was an awkward conversation!

Original poster
ChickpeaPie · 28/06/2023 11:18

Thank you.
I know the pint glass thing is plausible. However I can’t help think that if he found out he had chlamydia and hadn’t had unprotected sex with anyone other than me, then why didn’t he accuse me of cheating? He never once questioned if I’d given it to him, so he knew it was him.

OP posts:
passiveaggressivenonsense · 28/06/2023 11:20

Let it go.

Chickenwing2 · 28/06/2023 11:20

I would just ask him, it will nag away at you otherwise. I dont believe you could get chlamydia that way but if he told the truth, and it had been an honest relationship since i would forgive.

Palmfrond · 28/06/2023 11:21

I personally would take measures to put this particular mind worm to rest. Honestly not worth it. I completely get it, though.

mindutopia · 28/06/2023 11:23

I work in sexual health. You can't get chlamydia from skin to skin contact, so not possible from the pint glass story (which is probably more grim to be honest than shagging someone else!).

He would have gotten it from sex (including oral) with someone who had chlamydia. That someone could have been before he met you (you said you were together a short while) or it could have come from you (had you had any sexual contact before you met him?). It's unlikely for chlamydia to hang around in 2 people asymptomatic for years and years, but it's quite common for it to pop up early in a relationship and it to NOT be the result of cheating as it just came from a previous partner - unless neither of you ever had any sexual contact with anyone before you met, which I assume is unlikely if you were both uni age.

Original poster
ChickpeaPie · 28/06/2023 11:32

mindutopia · 28/06/2023 11:23

I work in sexual health. You can't get chlamydia from skin to skin contact, so not possible from the pint glass story (which is probably more grim to be honest than shagging someone else!).

He would have gotten it from sex (including oral) with someone who had chlamydia. That someone could have been before he met you (you said you were together a short while) or it could have come from you (had you had any sexual contact before you met him?). It's unlikely for chlamydia to hang around in 2 people asymptomatic for years and years, but it's quite common for it to pop up early in a relationship and it to NOT be the result of cheating as it just came from a previous partner - unless neither of you ever had any sexual contact with anyone before you met, which I assume is unlikely if you were both uni age.

I’m pretty sure we both got tested before we had unprotected sex together

OP posts:
Enterthewolves · 28/06/2023 11:44

I’m wondering why this has started bothering you now? Is there something else going on?

If there isn’t, you are happy and have no current reason to distrust him I’d let it go. You were 17/18 and at that age people do stupid things without thinking through the consequences (like putting their dick in a pint class). Who we were at 17 is not who we are at 37 (thank god in my case). You can’t remember if you had an STD check before you had unprotected sex and he or you could have been the carrier if you weren’t tested. Equally maybe he had sex with someone else in the early days of your relationship and was so scared of losing you he told a stupid lie but has been faithful ever since, is it worth unpicking it?

If your recent fears are about behaviour now though maybe that’s the thing to address?

mindutopia · 28/06/2023 11:48

But do you know you both did? Did you see the test results? Lots of people are quite nervous about sexual health screening and 18 years ago, it would have been a lot more involved than it is today, where we have at-home testing. It's not unusual for people to say they've been tested when they panicked and backed out at the last minute. It's also possible to test too soon (within 3 ish months, though I couldn't tell you what it might have been back then, maybe 6 months?) and get a false negative. I mean, if you know that you both tested and you went together and it was, say 6 months after you both were last with anyone else, then yes, it's likely it came from cheating. But if you aren't certain that you both had negative results, then I think it's hard to say for sure because Chlamydia is so common and it can be really asymptomatic. Do you remember what prompted him to get tested? If both already tested and were negative, did he start having symptoms?

Olortonma · 28/06/2023 11:49

Why are you thinking about it now?

Original poster
ChickpeaPie · 28/06/2023 14:09

Thanks for all your kind replies.
I’ve been trying to work out when it happened and it could have been a year or two into our relationship so it wasn’t from any previous partners.
Those asking why I’m thinking about it now… I’m not 100% sure. Partly seeing women in work (in healthcare) who declare a previous history of chlamydia and memories being triggered by that. Partly mid life crisis evaluating our whole relationship. You may have a point that something current is making me question the past.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 28/06/2023 14:28

I’d personally let it go if you didn’t challenge it at the time. Chances are he probably did cheat

Original poster
ChickpeaPie · 28/06/2023 14:37

It’s absolutely massive to now be thinking that he may have cheated on me. Reading it in your responses is quite upsetting and I don’t know why I was so naive. We had a long distance relationship so I had to trust him, and I did. I feel like I have to ask him although I know it’s not a good idea

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 28/06/2023 18:23

I'm going to be blunt; the poster who works in sexual health confirmed my thoughts that it would be unlikely in the extreme that he'd contract it from dipping his dick in a pint glass.

You say you're pretty certain you were both tested before having unprotected sex, so it looks like he got it from sex with someone else after you got together. Clearly it was unprotected penetrative or oral sex.

He told you a cock and bull story (no pun intended) to get around having it and having infected you with it. He needed to get you tested and treated. (I'm not sure if you could reinfect him if you weren't). No doubt whoever treated him told him in no uncertain terms to tell any sexual partner to get tested and treated.

He thought you were naive enough to accept that story, and you were. Sorry.

TheoTheopolis23 · 28/06/2023 18:24

I don't think you were any more naive than many teenagers or young people incidentally.

And you trusted him.

TheoTheopolis23 · 28/06/2023 18:25

We had a long distance relationship so I had to trust him

Plenty of opportunity for you both then, sounds like he took advantage of that at least once, while you had integrity and didn't.

Ugzbugz · 28/06/2023 18:27

Fizzadora · 28/06/2023 11:17

I was diagnosed with Chlamydia after 25 years of marriage when I hadn't had sex for nearly 10 years (our choice).
It had never shown up on any previous smear tests. I Googled it extensively at the time to see if it could actually lie dormant for that long without showing any symptoms. I couldn't find anything at that time but it obviously can if the test results were right.
Had to tell DH to go to GP for antibiotics. That was an awkward conversation!

I don't think they check check for STI for smear tests?

TheoTheopolis23 · 28/06/2023 18:28

mindutopia · 28/06/2023 11:48

But do you know you both did? Did you see the test results? Lots of people are quite nervous about sexual health screening and 18 years ago, it would have been a lot more involved than it is today, where we have at-home testing. It's not unusual for people to say they've been tested when they panicked and backed out at the last minute. It's also possible to test too soon (within 3 ish months, though I couldn't tell you what it might have been back then, maybe 6 months?) and get a false negative. I mean, if you know that you both tested and you went together and it was, say 6 months after you both were last with anyone else, then yes, it's likely it came from cheating. But if you aren't certain that you both had negative results, then I think it's hard to say for sure because Chlamydia is so common and it can be really asymptomatic. Do you remember what prompted him to get tested? If both already tested and were negative, did he start having symptoms?

I suppose it is not impossible that he got a false negative when testing (and was infected from before your relationship) but, it seems unlikely to me .... More likely a very young, laddy guy - in a long distance relationship - got drunk and shagged someone else, got symptoms some time after, got treated (and followed string advice to get any partners tested & treated).

TheoTheopolis23 · 28/06/2023 18:29

*strong

27penny · 28/06/2023 18:33

@mindutopia is it similar for genital warts to pop up 2+ years after supposedly catching it?

27penny · 28/06/2023 18:35

I ask because i was in that situation. My GP said it wasn't possible that my exH could have got them over 2 years ago. My exH denied cheating and i never knew...

Palmfrond · 28/06/2023 18:37

@mindutopia “I work in sexual health. You can't get chlamydia from skin to skin contact, so not possible from the pint glass story (which is probably more grim to be honest than shagging someone else!).”

The glans penis is a mucous membrane so this is not actually true. Not to minimise @ChickpeaPie ‘s concerns, but if it were known to her partner that one of his fellow pint glass penis dippers had chlamydia this might be the reason, or at least a somewhat believable explanation.