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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you do it?

13 replies

GreenLeaHose · 27/06/2023 22:27

Split with abusive ex. He had contact with kids as and when. We moved 4 hours away. He was ment to move to the oppostie end of the country. So said it was fine for me to move. We visit that town roughly every 2-3 months. Still occasionally sees oldest (14) as she can tell me if anything happens. No contact for nearly a year with the youngest two. 5 and 3. Last contact he refused to give them back. Just to be a dick. Quit his job so he dosent have to pay maintenance.

He's now sent a solicitor letter asking for Friday from 4pm to Sunday 4pm. Issue is 5 year old dosent finish school till 3.30 then by the time we drive up it'll be bedtime. Also same Sunday they'll be knackered for school Monday.

I'm very scared he'll try to run off with the kids or something will happen. He's not a nice person.

There's a supervised contact centre an hour from us. Start from there? How would you do visitation?

OP posts:
GreenLeaHose · 27/06/2023 22:28

Also me and husband both work so entire weekends with us both off are rare. Only one of us drives.

OP posts:
Rockingchai · 28/06/2023 06:59

See a solicitor. You will get legal aid if you can prove you suffered domestic violence. Seek free legal advice from a charity if not. Do not agree to contact if you think it is not safe. Supervised contact is expensive - would he pay? Would he keep it up? Let him make an application to court for contact. At least in court there will be the protection of a court social worker and a judge and you can tell them of all your worries about risks.

Boogiebot · 28/06/2023 07:29

After reading a few threads on here the courts will probably start with 50/50 so I don't see how courts would help? I guess I don't want the extra stress.
Obviously will if it protects the kids but seems like if I'm just going to end up there anyways should I just try something now?

Whataretheodds · 28/06/2023 07:40

Definitely get legal advice. Not reasonable for him to have them every weekend.

If he wants them at 4pm every other weekend he can pick them up from school.

Boogiebot · 28/06/2023 08:13

Sorry drip feed he dosent drive and the train would be 5 hours. If he was willing to come stay somewhere that would work but can I ask that?

Boogiebot · 28/06/2023 08:15

Oh also there's a non molestation order in place so I can't work out how even meeting halfway would work.

DecayedStrumpet · 28/06/2023 08:25

A solicitor's letter is just a letter as far as i know, you don't actually have to do anything about it.

How do you normally discuss contact with him?

DecayedStrumpet · 28/06/2023 08:26

Any idea what sparked this new interest in seeing the kids? I'm wondering if it was you getting married...

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/06/2023 08:33

Why are you obliged to provide transport?

BoohooWoohoo · 28/06/2023 08:37

Every weekend is not fair. Suggest every other weekend.
He should collect youngest from school or your home if he wants after school. You don't have to do all the driving. If he does Friday driving then you could do the Sunday driving to make it fair?

BoohooWoohoo · 28/06/2023 08:39

If 4pm pickup means arriving home past bedtime /dinner then suggest an earlier pickup on Sunday to fit with that. Perfectly reasonable and child centred reason to say no.

Boogiebot · 28/06/2023 09:28

He normally messages eldest to see them and arranges it with them. I have 0 contact with him.
As far as I know him and his new partner broke up so could be that could also be that I got married in May.
Should I just wait and see if he takes me to court then?

Whataretheodds · 28/06/2023 13:49

Boogiebot · 28/06/2023 08:13

Sorry drip feed he dosent drive and the train would be 5 hours. If he was willing to come stay somewhere that would work but can I ask that?

Doesn't matter that he doesn't drive, still not reasonable for you to do all the pickup and drop-offs.

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