Realising I'm not loved

[Iamnotworthy]

I was thinking about this whilst walking the dog this evening, and it upset me so much I cried for the whole walk.

The two people in this world who I knew loved me unconditionally and hugged me so hard I could feel it, were my gran and my mum, and they both died in the last couple of years.

I have a husband who barely notices me anymore, and two adult dc who've moved on with their own lives. I can see it in their eyes that I just irritate them now, it was especially clear with my daughter who visited this weekend. I've tried to be a good parent, but I just don't get the feeling that I am loved.

I have friends that probably like me well enough.

I'm sure there are many people out there who feel the same, but it hit me kind of hard tonight.

I'm so sorry. I had feelings similar to that after my mum died.

It might be that after the loss of two such special relationships that you're very tuned into differences in other relationships and feeling the loss reactivated.

I'm probably not making sense, but I didn't want to leave you without a reply because I do hear you.

Thank you. It's been 18 months, I don't know why it's just hit me. Maybe just having a bad week.

Very sorry you are feeling so down. I can guarantee that your daughter loves you. I often act irritated by my mother, but I love her deeply. It's a familiarity thing (which I know I will regret someday). Your DCs may have moved into their own lives for now, but they need you even if they take it for granted right now that you are just 'there'. As regards your DH, could you have this conversation with him or is that something that has already happened?

Do you love your children? Can you access that deep joy in them and hug them hard? Tell them the things about them that amaze and inspire you and fill you with bursting love? Praise and boost them whole heartedly? That may unlock their.love for you.

Awww, sweetheart! I’m so sorry!

Do you think you can have an honest chat with your husband about how you feel? He may be completely oblivious.

As for your children, I’m sure they love you very much. They’re just busy with their own lives and seek support from you when they need it.

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a nice treat.

Wishing you the best x

This is a lovely idea!

That's not so very long. I do think there are times where it feels like it is going to sink us and other times where it is easier to carry.

I know it's not the same as having your mum and gran still here, but their love has shaped the person you are. In that way you always have that love with you and you can connect up with it when you visit memories or ask yourself what they might say about something you're struggling with. Even just in the choices you make day-to-day, the experience of having been so deeply loved will be influencing you.

If you can please try not to be too hard on yourself. 💐

Life after we lose those who loved us when we were children becomes greyer. I find myself so lonely at times - yes my children love me, in various shades of enthusiasm, but the complete and utter feeling of safety is what I provide for others now, not what I have myself. Even after many years, it’s still hard at times. luckily, though sadly too, my DP understands on a personal level and we support each other.
I suggest talking to your family, they aren’t mind-readers and (especially if your DH hasn’t lost his loved parent/grandparent figures) may not realise how you feel.

I do, I hug them and tell them how proud I am of them. I hugged dd today before she left but it was like she couldn't wait to get away.

I'm so sorry you feel that way. I always think of grief as waves. It ebbs and flows and sometimes catches you completely unaware. 18 months isn't very long at all to be dealing with the loss of your Gran and Mum. Have you considered some grief counselling?
I'm sure with your kids it's just an age thing and things will improve but how about doing some fun stuff together? Maybe a night away together and an activity?
Sending you virtual hugs x

I’ve lost my mum too & I think you may be missing a very specific type of love - maternal love.

I am sure your children (& husband) really do love you but you’re grieving a type of love they can’t give you.

18 months is not that long. It’s a process but time truly does heal.

We care for you xx

Come here! I'll give you a big hug. It sounds like you need one.

Losing the person who loved you most in the world - generally your mum - is obviously tough op, be gentle with yourself.
I know exactly what you mean, right down to the irritation your dc seem to feel for you, it’s my experience too. I know they love me, but they want to move on and move away, which is fine (if simultaneously horrible.)
I guess it’s the circle of life, and will hurt less as time passes. X

Life is never the same after your mother dies (obviously if you had a good relationship). I can't even remember what I felt like when she was alive (died when I was 25). We were close and used to phone daily despite living far away.

I just had to get on with it afterwards. Still just getting on with it.

Yeah. I am with you OP.
There are many walks I have taken where I have been on my own and just sobbing a little. Not that I feel sorry for myself. But life just happened that way. I divorced. My parents are toxic and my adult children have flown the nest and are happy making beautiful life plans. Empty nest and all that.

I wish that I could have gone on that walk with you, I would have given you reassurance that life has love in it. There are people out there who care, most of the time they are complete strangers though. Family only comes into it when its too late.

Sending you a big hug also and understand how you feel. I was playing with my dog in the garden today and realized how old she is getting and had a moment just looking into each other's eyes and I could not stop crying, thinking how will I cope losing her as lost my parents and early 50's with crappy peri-meno and often have that lost feeling. Lots of support on here and be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself.

Sorry for your loss. Your DD is probably still young enough to not understand the enormity of the loss of your mother for you. (lucky her) One day, when you are gone, she will be devastated. That’s unless you push her away.

It seems from an outside perspective that you are projecting onto her because of your grief.

Does she remind you of your mum or gran in some way? It’s not uncommon after a loss for people to suddenly have negative feelings for another relative who reminds them of the person they are grieving for.

I had a relative who always spoke badly of another relative after the loss their partner as the badly thought of relative had been a favourite of the partner and presumably it was too painful to be reminded of that loss when seeing said relative. (Keeping it vague to avoid being to outing)

I think you need to have a face to face conversation with your daughter about how you feel. Not about how you perceive her to treat you but about what your relationship with your own mother meant to you and how the loss is affecting you. You may think that how you feel is obvious but it may not be.

Younger ish people can and should have busy lives and may not have much time for deep reflection. They may be stressed, trying to make ends meet and not able to give as much time as they would like. There is a lot of pressure on people to be seen to make a success out of their lives and so many do not realise the importance of time spent with loved ones until the time grows short but often this is down to not wanting to let down the expectations of parents and grandparents.

Try giving the benefit of the doubt and being more open. You had a beautiful relationship with your own mother I really hope you can have the same with your DD. I know it’s tough but hoping for the best for you both.

Is there a friend or friends you can book a day with? Something where you can chat, have some fun or be pampered and treat yourself while also discussing your feelings with people you trust?
I agree that maybe you need this discussion with your husband and maybe your kids too… I didn’t realise how much and how deeply I loved my mum until I had a baby myself and then had a real appreciation for my own lovely mother x

I just want to say all the comments on this post have helped me a bit today. I am going through some grief of my own and struggling with whether I am loved. Thank you to all the kind commenters here.

OP, you are not alone. I hope it helps you to know there are others who are feeling this way.

Losing a 'parental' source of love (parents, grandparents) removes the only truly unconditional love from our lives. It's sad, but it's true. And we just learn to live with that as time goes on. And we feel profoundly grateful that we had their love for the time they were with us.

Our children don't really love us 'unconditionally', at least not once they leave childhood. They love us deeply and usually with a sense of loving gratitude, but it's the nature of the 'generation gap' that they love us, not with 'conditions' per se, but with the unconscious recognition of the differences in our generation and theirs. They grow away from us and their lives centre on other things, as they should. That doesn't mean that their love for us is not a profound love. It's just different than 'unconditional'.

Even the love we feel for a spouse is 'not as' unconditional as the love we feel for our children, or our parents felt for us. I love my husband dearly and deeply. But if he were to mistreat me or commit a heinous crime, I would leave him and I'm sure that love I feel for him would die in time. I expect he'd feel the same about me. So I guess you could say that our love is not completely 'unconditional'. Just that the condition that would cause us to lose that love would have to be pretty darn severe.

I think that's why it's so important for us to love ourselves unconditionally. To appreciate who we are, within ourselves, and not judge ourselves by the love others have for us.

Really sorry to hear that you're sad. You've had lots of nice advice on here, and I'm sending a handhold or a hug - whatever you need.
I wondered if you should try to reconnect with your husband? Can you talk to him?

It's weird, because I haven't really felt the loss or grieved massively for my own mother so far. She was ill for quite a long time and I kind of just accepted it and got on with my life as I had so many other things going on.

It was just yesterday when my daughter left (we do see her quite often despite living a couple of hours away and message most days) that I gave her a big hug and she just seemed distracted and annoyed by me. It just seemed to set off a lot of emotions in me.

Thank you all for your kind words

My mum had severe dementia. She hadn't been 'with us' for a number of years. My auntie (Mum's sister) was the same. My cousin and I felt a weird 'numbness' when our mums died (3 years apart). Not the 'sharp grief' we had when our dads died. We finally realized that we had really said 'goodbye' to our mums years before they died. We said 'goodbye' to them when they no longer knew us and our grief was a 'slow ache' over a period of time rather than that sharp pain of grief when we lose someone suddenly, or after a short/medium illness. If your mum has been ill for a long time, perhaps your goodbye began some time ago, rather than at the time of her death.

I feel like that too OP. Sometimes I don't think hardly anyone had truly loved and valued me for the person I actually am.