Husband asks me no questions

[OhGodIAmTired]

My husband is a good man. He’s kind, a great dad, hard worker, does a lot around the house.

Been together 12yrs.

But for the past few years I’ve noticed he really just doesn’t ask me about my life. We talk for hours and hours about his work and whatever else is big in his life at that time.

I ask how his day was, remember details, I even keep up a little with his football interests.

but he literally knows almost nothing about my life. Occasionally he might say “good day?” But glazes over if I start giving details.

i work for myself so have nobody to talk to about work, but he honestly never shows any interest. If something major is happening he seems impatient to wrap the conversation up and then will never ask about it again unless I force a conversation.

I feel so lonely even though I have lots of friends and family to talk to. He is like this with others too. One of his close family members complains a lot, that they speak a lot but he only talks about himself. My DH doesn’t have a lot of friends and I think that is partly because he doesn’t keep in touch or show them much he cares. I maintain all our mutual relationships by keeping in touch and sending gifts/cards etc.

i sit here thinking if there is a way to bring it up without him getting defensive and feeling criticised?

a few weeks ago we had an argument and I told him I was lonely in our marriage and that he knew nothing about me anymore. I couldn’t not say it. He didn’t disagree but then nothing has changed since. My resentment is growing. I get upset when birthday/Christmas/anniversary gifts are so generic and not really thoughtful to who I am.

I also don’t want him to show an interest just because I’ve told him to ask me. That doesn’t feel genuine. He also never initiates sex or tries to share my interests (even watching ten mins of a tv show I like wouldn’t happen).

is there a way to broach this?!

he only notices me if I’m at breaking point / crying / being moody. I hate that. And once my crisis is finished he never asks how I am again. Why can’t he just be interested in his life partner’s life?

is it just me?

It's not just you and you've hit the nail on the head when you talk about how lonely it makes you feel. I honestly have acquaintances that have been more interested in my news than my supposed life partner and it stings.

I'm not sure there's an answer because when you've explained how it makes you feel, there's no long term change. Making someone show an interest defeats the object. It's like with my children, I'm interested in what goes on in their lives much more (if I'm honest) than with other people's children. Partners should be the same in my view.

@Bananarepublic i feel slightly better it’s not just me I guess.

I realised before I was self-employed and a mum, it was similar but my life was so full and busy it didn’t bother me as much. Well maybe it did a tiny bit… but I thought I was the problem.

I feel like a colleague to him. I keep everything ticking over and functioning. I support his emotional needs endlessly.

it doesn’t feel like enough of an issue to break up our family over but also it leaves me feeling so sad some nights, I don’t want to waste my life feeling invisible and unappreciated.

No it's not you. None of us know the other side of the story of course, but nothing in your post made me question your assessment.

He’s kind, a great dad, hard worker, does a lot around the house

Maybe he is all those things....just not a kind, great, hard working dad who's good around the house and who is interested in his wife. If he was interested in you as a person.....I'd think you'd know it by now.

Some men just aren't interested their wives as autonomous beings with thoughts, feelings and inner lives. The woman is there to perform the function of 'wife' to them, which is a woman that caters to the husband's needs, not the other way around. She is there to provide a pretty face at home, a comfort blanket when needed, a sympathetic ear, and sex if required. She might also fulfil a social role so that he is seen as a settled person in the community and no one thinks he's odd.

He doesn't really respect her opinion, so never asks for it. He isn't interested in what's she's thinking or feeling, so he simply doesn't ask or doesn't allow her to really talk about it It's simply boring for him. She is like a washing machine. Is appreciated but largerly unnoticed when it's working, and only needs attention when something doesn't sounds right or it's stopped proving service.

Mines kind of the same

He doesn't like hearing about my day at all and actually, I'm in a job whereby I'm not allowed to give too many details anyway due to official secrets act. I work in a men's prison and I think he sees all these men as some sort of threat!

If I'm off work he doesn't ask much except 'how's doggo been?'

Sometimes I think he’s worried about me or wants to help resolve an issue. But then it becomes very clear the drive there is mostly about how it affects him.

he’ll say something along the lines of “if you’re struggling then I’ll have to do XYZ” or “I don’t have time to deal with this, we need a resolution”

@EarthSight I agree with what you’ve said. That description fits his parent’s (now ended) relationship so I guess it’s what he’s learnt. There was a time when I was an interesting person to him but mostly I think he liked how I made him feel about himself, rather than me being a whole complete person he was sharing a life with.

Years ago I was dating a chap who was similar in his attitude as your DP. Never ever asked me about anything personal. Nothing about my younger or current life. It was weird. Had no inquisitiveness at all but happy to talk about himself.

I challenged him about his seemingly lack of interest to which he responded “if you want to tell me about yourself you will, without me asking” but when I did he was obviously disinterested and would change the subject.

Conversation became quite sterile and wore me down. The connection floundered. I dumped him.

It must be a very lonely and boring life for you once the children have gone to bed. How old are the children? Does your business bring in enough money to support you if you did leave?

Mine doesn't either.

We both work on the same site but in different departments & I work mainly with men. I tell him all about various social conversations I've had with people there (some he vaguely knows) but he very rarely tells me about his chats with colleagues.

Interestingly I have encountered some females he works with and they (separately, at different times) have all commented about our cute dogs that he shows them pics of!

He's all about the attention, my dreamboat is... 🤨

Oh my! I have been trying to figure out my husband for years. I've read marriage books, books on narcissism etc. My husband is all of the above in these posts. He never wants my advice/opinion and is easily agitated when I give it to him. He's never interested in me and my day. He loves attention and will innocently"flirt/fun banter" with the cashiers and waitresses. (However, I have never had any suspicions of infidelity. I have snooped around to rule this out.) He's a gorgeous man, great provider, great father, sex is good, but lacks emotional intamacy. 😢 He doesn't have friends so therefore we do not have a social life. It's a super lonely marriage, but what everyone posted made a lot of sense.

Mine is the same on occasions. For example I started a new job recently and he showed interest on my first day but I came home on day 3 full of excitement and he almost purposely didn't ask anything about it. I told him this and he said "you were going to tell me about it anyway" which completely misses the point