Why is this always so hard?

[Lemieux7]

I've already posted this in sex but... basically. I just don't know how to get over this relationship and move on and realise that it won't work.

My ex and I have a dd. We've been separated for 3 years and the last few weeks he started full on chasing me and said he wants to get back together and he really wants to know what makes me tick etc.

We have known each other since 2017. He told me the other day that he and his ex wife used to do swinging. I said to him that I want to know if that's something he wants to do in all relationships because for me, I can't do that in a relationship without feeling jealous.

And he got really nasty, telling me I had no right to ask about it. And then he put the phone down on me.

I don't understand why he told me about it in the first place. And I don't want to get more hurt. I'm now incredibly upset. This won't work will it?

The short answer is no, it won’t work.

Red flags everywhere. Suddenly pursuing you out of nowhere after this length of time, asking what makes you ‘tick’, telling you about him and his ex swinging and then getting nasty.

Please don’t entertain the idea of getting back together with him.

Move on to much better things.

Someone said men are more likely to have Dark Triad Traits.

Why are you talking to him and putting up with his shit? You are not together, he's trying to erode your boundaries.

I think it's more worrying that it does work and drags like this for months.

It doesn't matter why's he like this. If you get back with him, he's just shown you a preview of what awaits.

I know. I don't know why I let this happen. This is what he typically does - he changes from being really nice to horrible to me really quickly and then ignores me and refuses to speak about it, have any empathy for how I was feeling and I'm left confused and upset.

He said he wanted to give it another go, that he has been thinking about me for months and loves me. Clearly he doesn't.

Some men say what they think you want to hear when they think that they have no other current options. He thinks you’re a safe bet.

He has this thing he does where he rewrites history and says that if I hadn't had the covid vaccine, we would have been married by now but I had it 'against his wishes'.

What tends to happen is that every few months he starts being flirty etc. but before, I think I just ignored it. Not sure why I was weak this time.

He knows you and can spot when he might be successful in overcoming your resistance. Make sure it's never!

He sounds thoroughly untrustworthy and manipulative.

He sounds utterly batshit. Best thing is to cut this moron out of your lives as far as possible. Move far away or something!

Op you have a child.

Please just focus on her and her alone

You are used to the craziness of this , I watched a useful video on YouTube, it explained how the brain works when it is hurt and then as they suddenly come back in your life the brain is boosted by a reward, and when they confuse you and disappear the brain is left in an anxious/confused state - so when a bit of nice contact comes from the person again the brain feels a calmer and that is preferable to the anxiety/confusion and the cycle goes on. I can't explain it fully correctly but I hope you understand what I mean ? Try to get out of it asap x

But as the question you wanted answered is , why is it so hard it's because of the cycle that your brain is left in and how it effects your emotions.

I really thought that I would not get taken in by him again. It just came out of nowhere.

How old is your child (Ren)?

She's 3.5

And you have another?

What do you mean?

You have other children (I’m on the tack thread!)

I was wondering how many? And whether they are involved in this toxicity at all

Oh I see. I have two grown up children and a 14 year old. Tbh I haven't really spoken to him until the last few weeks when this whole thing blew up.

I'm just sat here wondering how I let this happen.

Wasting more time and energy on him!

what is your life beyond him? Work? Friends? Hobbies?

He wants to know what makes you tick? What a load of cobblers.

Your body = your choice. None of his beeswax if you are vaccinated or not. The fact that he feels that he gets to dictate is a massive red flag.