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Relationships

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Original poster

I think I am in love with my best friend (who has a girlfriend)

28 replies

melodygrant · 27/06/2023 20:51

I have been friends with him since teen years and I am now approaching 30. We have always been close, have known all of his ex partners (vice versa) he attended my wedding, was a massive support system to me through a traumatic separation/family court and continues to be through everything - whilst also spending most of our time laughing. I speak or see him at least 5 times a week.

He is very tactile, with lots of people. For example, would hug and kiss the cheek of all friends etc, so it's not unusual when he does these things to me. But this weekend we went away with a few very close friends and his behaviour towards me was noted by them as inappropriately close i.e. in the morning he always greeted me with a cuddle and a kiss, we spent the entire time together whilst everyone else did other things, there was not one moment where we grew tired or bored of one another. On one minor occasion he irritated me slightly and he profusely apologised and went above and beyond to make me feel better (although I was over it very quickly!)

I have always found him attractive, but didn't 'fancy' as such. I have questioned fleetingly before whether I was in love with him but felt these subside somewhat if I was seeing someone/with time. But I would say for the last 6 months it hasn't wavered at all and I think about him constantly.

Complicated because he has a girlfriend of two years. They don't live together, have only exchanged 'i love you' in recent weeks when they went on their first holiday together. He has made clear to her repeatedly that they want very different things for the future and that he isn't willing to change his mind on those things - yet they remain together. They live quite independent lives so I'm not close with her and only really know her from what he says. At face value, she is lovely but I am aware that she is slightly uncomfortable with our friendship (I have no idea what he relays to her and I don't blame her, I would be)

This weekend he repeatedly told me, albeit a bit pissed, that he loves me - this is common for us, but added that I am the only person he can spend untold amount of time with without feeling like he's going mad amongst other things.

I feel really sad and a bit lonely now because I would never want to harm the relationship he has with his girlfriend, but selfishly, more importantly mine and his. He is so special to me and I can't imagine life without him but I think this will cause me emotional damage if I'm forever wondering 'what if'. I don't know if it could realistically work anyway and I'm pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive (all his gfs have been very similar in aesthetic and personality, plus he is quite a catch himself)
I also am skint most of the time, a single mum and very high energy. He's successful in his career, free from responsibility and has hermit tendencies.

It feels like my only options are to tell him I love him and potentially destroy our friendship, or remove myself for a while so that I don't get hurt and hopefully the feelings dwindle...

Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice? I'm so confused!

TIA!

OP posts:

Greentree1 · 27/06/2023 20:58

Well if he says he loves you, say you love him too and see where that goes. If he is giving you hints about his affection just reciprocate a bit. No need to declare undying love at this time. You will soon see if the love he professes is platonic or not.

weirdo123 · 27/06/2023 21:05

Ooh this could be a beautiful love story

Original poster

melodygrant · 27/06/2023 21:07

I do say I love him too, lots! But, it's always been in a you're my best friend kind of way. Not sure how I allude to it meaning something different. I'm very fearful of rejection!

OP posts:

IfYouDontAsk · 27/06/2023 21:09

He doesn’t sound that great if he’s being inappropriately affectionate with you whilst he’s in a 2 year relationship. It sounds like he’s enjoying toying with you.

ManyDogs · 27/06/2023 21:13

I would try and remove yourself as much as possible. This will maybe raise questions with him, he may notice and ask why? Or he may not notice and there is your answer?

DollyTheFluffyOne · 27/06/2023 21:16

He sounds a bit of a prick telling you all of this about his gf tbh.

Original poster

melodygrant · 27/06/2023 21:18

DollyTheFluffyOne · 27/06/2023 21:16

He sounds a bit of a prick telling you all of this about his gf tbh.

What do you mean? Because he tells me and it's private or because it's cruel to me?

OP posts:

Original poster

melodygrant · 27/06/2023 21:20

ManyDogs · 27/06/2023 21:13

I would try and remove yourself as much as possible. This will maybe raise questions with him, he may notice and ask why? Or he may not notice and there is your answer?

Ah, I thought this too. I've said I'm having a bit of downtime at the moment as have a lot on at the moment so may just extend that? But then if he does contact, do I ignore? If he doesn't notice I think that will be horribly brutal, but clarifying.

OP posts:

DollyTheFluffyOne · 27/06/2023 21:21

melodygrant · 27/06/2023 21:18

What do you mean? Because he tells me and it's private or because it's cruel to me?

Show quote history

because he is talking about his GF behind her back to you. It's not on eg you knowing when they say I love you etc. imo. I don't know if he is being cruel to you - maybe he really does just see you as a 'friend" .

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2023 21:23

Hmmm, it sounds like you and he both feel he has the upper hand in your relationship. He tells you he loves you all the time and has also recently told his girlfriend he loves her. He was so inappropriate with you people are commenting which is incredibly disrespectful of her, doesn’t that make you feel a bit ick?

The bit about them wanting different futures - he’s telling her he’s not into marriage or kids isn’t he? But if she’s willing to put up with it he’s been honest and she can’t complain.

You idolise him and feel he’s your knight in shining armour. He seems to enjoy your attention while pursuing a relationship with this woman.

It doesn’t sound like it’ll end happily for you.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 27/06/2023 21:35

weirdo123 · 27/06/2023 21:05

Ooh this could be a beautiful love story

Cheating and going after a taken man is a beautiful love story now?

Unless you forgot /s.

Didimum · 27/06/2023 21:43

He’s being incredibly inappropriate as someone in a relationship. You are making excuses for him as though he is a passive participant in his own relationship - he’s a grown man who should leave a partner he’s apparently so unsatisfied with and not committed to. Can you imagine your boyfriend of two years hugging, kissing and telling another woman that he loves her? So disrespectful. And no, you don’t get a free pass because you’re the bestie. You’re complicit in causing another woman pain. Decent men don’t behave like this - it’s a flag of poor character.

Original poster

melodygrant · 27/06/2023 21:48

I haven't 'gone after' and have never initiated a conversation or action that was inappropriate. Yes, he is touchy feel-y (non sexual) To clarify, I would never do any such action with him whilst he was in a relationship.

Friends commented that it was inappropriate because he's in a relationship and they wouldn't like it if their OH had such a close relationship with a woman, but also their relationships are much more the norm than his. They are all however quite keen for it to be something that happened in the future.

I'm going to try keep some distance and wait for the feelings to wane (hopefully) but that feels very sad and lonely!

Interesting that this has made some people feel he is toying with me/not that great, I guess I hadn't thought of it in that way.

OP posts:

rubytubeytubes · 27/06/2023 21:55

If he was romantically interested in you I think he would have made that clear by now. I think he does enjoy having you around and also playing games.
He is not being nice to his girlfriend at all which would really put me off.
I agree back away

Xeren · 27/06/2023 21:58

Poor girlfriend! Imagine being with someone for 2 years and exchanging “I love yous” only for your partner to be kissing and cuddling someone else (who you’re already uncomfortable about)?

She deserves much better.

As for you OP, if you feel strongly about him, just be honest about your feelings. Then he can’t act vague and will have to give you a straight answer and follow through accordingly.

If you have doubts that you’ll make a good couple, just leave it and enjoy the friendship.

Didimum · 27/06/2023 22:00

I think ‘gone after’ in this context means that you are participating in behaviour that you really should know well is inappropriate, particularly because you have feelings for him.

‘Gone after’ isn’t always going to look like active chasing. It can be more nuanced and just as inappropriate.

Original poster

melodygrant · 27/06/2023 22:09

I guess I have always believed the onus is on him because it is he that is in the relationship. An attempt to make myself feel less guilty.

Would be perfect if he felt the same, ended the relationship and blah blah. But think I am fantasising a bit. Part of me thinks I am only attached because he is the only man in my life that hasn't fucked off or made me feel horrendous. He probably doesn't feel anything towards me other than close friendship.

Thanks for the replies ❤

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2023 22:56

Part of me thinks I am only attached because he is the only man in my life that hasn't fucked off or made me feel horrendous.

He’s sort of fucking over his girlfriend isn’t he. By enjoying the intimacy you and he have, paraded in front of other people, behind her back, while saying he loves her to her face. That doesn’t say good things about him as a person. I suspect he’s well aware of your feelings towards him and is basking in the glow of your admiration and adoration.

I’m not trying to be mean but your feelings and history make you vulnerable and I’d hate to think of you getting hurt by someone you trust and feel close to.

ManyDogs · 27/06/2023 23:17

I wouldn't ignore completely but keep things simple. Chat about how your day has gone etc but keep to a minimum and try not to arrange to see him

ManyDogs · 27/06/2023 23:18

Sorry, meant to bold the first paragraph !

Wheredoistart78 · 27/06/2023 23:45

Oh come on op. You know what you're doing, just pack it in.

Don't do a shitty thing to another person.

ThatFraggle · 27/06/2023 23:50

And then when you've been together two years he will be kissing and cuddling another old friend, telling her intimate details of your relationship.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/06/2023 00:02

He is showing you that he is a really bad boyfriend to have. His poor girlfriend. I hope she finds someone nicer soon.

Ecclesfreckles · 28/06/2023 00:34

How would you feel if your bf said this to another woman? Because he's doing this behind her back which you should be telling him for, not listening to it and fantasising about him.

Poor gf, I feel awful for her. First things first - you need to be honest and give him a woman's perspective on how it is disrespectful and you'd prefer to cool it on the love you's and touchy feely etc while he's in a relationship.

Then you need to figure out what you want. If you love him, either tell him or take A LOT of space until the feelings subside and you can date others. Don't worry about what he thinks and wants - just on yourself. If you've only ever had bad relationships, it might also be that your friendship with him causes you to focus on the wrong qualities when picking a bf. Because you have him as emotional support, maybe you place less emphasis on having it in a bf - that sort of thing.

BreviloquentBastard · 28/06/2023 00:47

weirdo123 · 27/06/2023 21:05

Ooh this could be a beautiful love story

Wonder if you'd feel this way if it was your boyfriend of two years having a "beautiful love story" with a woman who isn't you.

Can we all as women please agree to collectively raise our bars? This man is a turd, not Prince Charming!

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