Is this limerance, and will it get better?

[Newmnname10]

Ex and I split up last year, we had been together a few years.

We both wanted to remain friends, and this has been fine. Initially I found staying in contact difficult, even though the split was a mutual decision.

We see each other one a week, sometimes more often. Will pop in for a meal, or he will help me with bits at my house. Lately we’ve been to gigs, really nice time had by us both.

The past few weeks I’ve found myself wishing for more, on a romance level. I’ll never go back, and I doubt he will. It makes me sad to think that we get on so well, are each others “person” but this is the extent of our relationship now.

I am under no illusion, the relationship was my no means perfect, wasn’t particularly healthy by the end.

So why am I feeling like this? I’ve journaled to get my thoughts out of my head. It helps but the feeling is still there.

This doesn’t sound intense enough to be described as limerence. Kindly, the idea of ‘your person’ is incredibly self deceptive, and an idea often to blame in keeping people in destructive relationships for far too long. If the idea of ‘a person’ had any truth to it, then they wouldn’t be your ex. Cut contact and work on moving on.

No. Limerence is a total, constant, all consuming sexual obsession with someone, usually someone you can't have.
Sounds like you'd enjoy a friends with benefits situation with you ex?
Maybe initiate something like that?

If I were you I'd cut all ties with your ex-partner. Once I've been in a relationship with someone I cant go back to something less, regardless of the reason for the split. It also stops me moving on with my life. I think you may be the same in this instance. It doesn't mean you don't love them or value them. It just means you have to put you and your needs first. Its not easy going no-contact but you get used to it and move on.

No contact is the quickest way to get over someone, in my experience. I had a limerance issue for years with a former colleague I kept in contact with. It was hideous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I only got over it when I deleted all of his contact details and unfriended him on Facebook. That was the best thing I ever did, as keeping the contact going as long as I did, even just by text and email, kept me hooked and hoping.

I don't think it's limerence if you had a romantic and sexual relationship with the person.

It just sounds like you're not over your ex. Some people never get over the one that got away obsessing about twin flames and all that stuff.. others forget them as soon as someone seemingly better comes to the surface.

No, it doesn't sound like limerance. It just sounds like you have jumped into friendship too soon before you've had time to process the end of the romantic relationship.

You could try journalling what you really want from a long term relationship which is different from what you had and focus on what was wrong when you were together and what you will look for in a new man. If you really carefully consider that. You might find it easier to relate to him as just a friend.

Meanwhile, maybe make sure you meet up together in a wider friendship group and don't spend all night with him but mix with others too. Have you been on any dates with other men yet? Maybe do that, too. And do something new and exciting that he's not invited to, so you get a good endorphin rush when he's not around.

@Didimum yes I think you are right about the ‘your person’ concept. We probably should have split a long time before we did. Ironically, we got into a relationship as neither of us were particularly needy, very independent of a partner but just really clicked.

I can’t help feeling that somehow that turned into sort of co dependency, maybe? Hence the person think now.

@newgirlinpain I’m sorry you were in a similar situation. It’s so difficult to contemplate no contact isn’t it?

@SoWhatEh thanks for the tips. I will do some more journaling.
I have done so much since we split independently of him, and I’ve loved that. It’s made me realise how draining of energy it was being with him.
I’ve had a couple of dates, and whilst they haven’t turned out I’ve enjoyed the male company again!

I don't think it's limerence either. I'd call it "lingerance".

Sometimes its harder to get over someone when you stay friends with them, particularly if it wasn't an acrimonious split. That doesn't mean you have to go no contact or eraze him from your life completely. Just downgrade him to acquaintance - someone you don't dislike but only chat to if you bumped into him. Don't hang out together one on one as that just feeds the "date night" feeling.

How would you feel if he told you he's met someone else and started to distance himself from you to spend more time with her? Like like a break up all over again? Or would you breath a sigh of relief that the pressure's off you?

Personally, I think staying "friends" with an ex just prolongs the healing and recovery process and you do have to go a bit cold turkey to give them up! Doesn't mean you have to hate them, just don't hang out with them anymore.

"lingerance" - that's genius 😂

@Newmnname10 - sorry to laugh at dinosaur's description, and in no way would I wish to make light of your man-pain, but I think it's a wonderfully witty put-down of someone who ultimately was not good enough for you, and one day you will see that. The sucky thing is, is that it just takes time.

As a previous limerance sufferer, the severing of contact years ago was not difficult at the time I did it because I was ready (finally). It gave me a degree of satisfaction that he would know I'd done that. It gave me even more satisfaction recently when a friend sent me a picture of him she'd seen on Twitter and he was wearing awful clothes, had developed a massive paunch, and had dyed his greying hair 😆This was someone I once considered my soul mate (we had a short-lived romance) but when I look back I just think he wasn't man enough.

You will eventually see him in much less romantic terms and you can speed that up significantly by cutting him off completely. It'll put your healing and personal growth on fast-forward.

@DatingDinosaur "lingerance" is genius!

Love lingerance @DatingDinosaur! 😂

@newgirlinpain that’s exactly it! He wasn’t good enough for me, he admits that.

@DatingDinosaur, I don’t know how I would feel if he were to meet someone else. I’d have to accept that the dynamic would change, which wouldn’t be easy.

Don't put yourself through that, OP - being on the scene when he finds someone else. I know it's hard but you could take back control right now and delete his contact details and unfriend/unfollow etc. You really will get over him more quickly.

@newgirlinpain I know you are right. He says that he isn’t interested in meeting anyone else. Part of me believes that, he admits that he is not cut out to be in a relationship. He told me when we were together that I was the love of of life, and yet he wasn’t willing to work with me to save the relationship.

I’ve analysed this to death, and I’m done. But the thought of not having him in my life is so difficult. But self preservation is needed, I know that.

I know @Newmnname10 - it's really hard but you will get there. There is a book that might help you called It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt. It's funny too, so the break-up jokes will make you laugh, if nothing else. There are some good tips in it though in terms of how to "reframe" your romantic view of your ex.