Marriage Crisis - Husband having breakdown due to grief - affair

[rosa1983]

I’m at my wit's end and would love perspectives/advice if possible. I feel I’m sinking and losing my mind.
I’ve
been with DH for 9 years, married for almost 8. We have three children (two
with additional needs). His mum gave him up when he was 10, but kept his
younger three siblings. Growing up in care has caused a lot of issues with
anger and difficulties with emotions etc but overall he has turned his life
around, got a decent job and done us and himself proud.
His
mum died a few months ago and they were estranged. He has always had a lot of
hurt, anger and confusion about why she abandoned him and I have always felt he
still has that young boy in him desperate for her to explain - but then she
died and he was left with no answers and no idea if she loved him.
He
then withdrew from me. We went from being the couple people would describe as
'smitten' and soul mates, to him shutting me out, not saying 'i love you' being
snappy, barely talking. I supported him the best I could. Went with him to the
Drs, he got antidepressants. Wet with him to the funeral despite at this point
it being a month of him pushing me away and saying he didn’t know if he still
loved me.
He
changed - it was very dark and he became very secretive with his phone. I ended
up finding out he had been sending sexual messages to a girl at work. I say girl
because she is 21 and he is 42. Now, my dad went off with a 19 year old when he
was 45. DH knows this is my absolute biggest fear. I strongly feel he did this
to hurt me. He says it wasn’t sexual and he didn’t mean all the sexual things
he wrote (they are ingrained in my mind forever). I think he is punishing me
because he can't punish his mum and he is having counselling to address this.
I
can’t get over it. I’m trying so hard - but it is killing me. The rejection,
the head f**k of 'I don’t know how i feel about you' while doing that with her.
And now he is still clearly very depressed and doesn't have the mental capacity
to give me the love and reassurance I need. He says he loves me when I ask then
rolls his eyes like it's an annoying question but I don’t feel it. We were so
close. Best friends. I feel he wants out but is staying because we can't
financially separate (renting in Essex with three kids. Crippling).
I
guess I want to know if anyone has been through anything similar. Can grief
cause this 'affair' or am I clutching at straws? I can't forgive what I don’t
understand and I struggle to trust anyway due to what I saw my mum go through.
My mental health has declined terribly and I am now also on antidepressants and
attending counselling. I can't look in the mirror without thinking it must be
me. I am 39, but feel old (I know that is silly) I am a size 8 but feel fat and
saggy (I also know that is silly) but honestly, the mirror shows me these
things.
Thank
you for reading. xxx

I feel so sad for you rosa1983.
No words of wisdom but a cyber hug coming your way...x

I don’t think this has anything to do with his childhood it’s a bog standard cliche mid life crisis affair/emotional affair. So boring, so predictable, nearly always involving a much younger woman, yawn, yawn, yawn.
Kick him out instead of making excuses for him.

What he's been through is terrible, without a doubt. But just because he had a fucked up childhood doesn't mean he gets to do what the hell he wants at the expense of everybody else's feelings. Because he's suffered doesn't mean he gets to make you suffer.

My father had a very fucked up childhood, very much in the general ballpark of your DHs. Because I was young and hadn't had therapy yet, my first love and LTR was a man who'd had a similar upbringing involving maternal neglect and time in care. We'll call him G.

G abused me because, at his heart, he had a strong dislike and distrust of women; he was angry with his mother but couldn't take it out on her so he took it out on the women who loved him. My father was similar until I was in my 20s and he had a complete nervous breakdown and ended up in psychotherapy, but much of the damage had been done to his wife and children (all of whom, unfortunately and ironically, were women).

Me and my Dad have a good relationship now because he did the work and I had therapy. But G and I didn't last because he didn't do the work, wouldn't have therapy and was just furious and lashing out. He was also utterly faithless; he punished women by cheating on them, it had been a pattern from his first relationship at 16. We split after eight years together when he was 36, almost 20yrs ago. I would be willing to bet he's still repeating the same patterns and will do until he dies or reaches breaking point like my Dad did and literally has no choice.

I repeat how I started this @rosa1983; because he's suffered doesn't mean he gets to make you suffer. You love him and if you want to you can support him, but only if he puts in the work and only if it's what you want to do. You have every right to walk away, whatever he's been through. He's had a terrible time but that doesn't give him cart Blanche to do whatever he likes and have you there waiting for him at the end of it. He may be someone you love, he may be the father of your kids and his mother may have really hurt and abused him, but what he's doing to you now is not okay. You owe it to yourself and your kids to give yourself some distance and take stock of what you want to do next.

Your DH needs help. Deep down he almost certainly knows that. But you need help too and I'd suggest you get some therapy of your own to help you (and your kids) deal with all of this.

Good luck with everything my lovely, wishing you so much strength.

This sounds horribly plausible. Doesn’t excuse any of his awful behaviour, but might go some way to explain it.

He he it’s a classic of you made me do it. Look he’s been setting the ground to diminish you so he can blame it on you. Don’t fall for it.

If you are to get though this let him know that it’s on him only. Not grief not depression not your marriage, because if he was sad he could get help with it, if he was depressed hi to gp, if it was yr marriage go for counselling. Instead he was going for some shagging.

Drive that one home and he won’t be able to gaslight you. What a pity party wanker to do this to you,

This happened to me OP. Many of my friends were envious of our marriage and often told me so. He openly adored me for years

After suffering a bereavement and a buried history of abuse, he became cold, distant, beyond vile

Of course there was an OW soon after his loss and we divorced. He was utterly vile during the divorce. They both were

I was directed to Chump Lady, by mumsnet, best advice EVER

This may or may not be the case for you but shields up, armour on, in case. Prepare yourself for the worst

I never thought he would be that cruel and unkind when we split. Sadly, it’s a tale as old as time

Surround yourself with those that love you, friends and family and remember it isn’t your fault (no matter how hard they try to convince you and others it is) and you deserve more

Sending you hugs 💐

This is excellent advice.

Forget agonizing about him and focus on what you need to do to move forward/out. It will never, ever be the same now. Stop making excuses for him - he's an adult and he's behaved appallingly.