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Original poster

Has anyone realised they’ve outgrown their marriage

12 replies

Outgrownthemarriage · 27/06/2023 15:15

I have been with my DH since I was 22, we married and had children. We are at a point in our life where we are very different, we are not the same people we were when we met and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think I love my DH anymore, he’s a lovely man, a great Dad but I just don’t have any feelings for him anymore.
It’s making me feel sad because over the months my feelings towards him haven’t changed and initially I thought it was just a blip.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Tryingtobepositive123 · 27/06/2023 17:07

I am a few months ahead of you maybe. A few things over the last year have made me realise my 10 year relationship (2dds) has come to an end. I had a few lightbulb moments but one of them was realising I wouldn't care if he had an affair (and in some ways would have been pleased).

I told him it was over a couple of months ago and it appears like he's only just got the message. it's been extremely tough but I have to keep reminding myself he needs the first opportunity to find someone who loves him the way he deserves to be loved. It's not fair to keep him in a relationship that is false.

My only advice is - if you're going to do it - be firm and clear - don't present false hope. But also to be kind - I worked out what I was going to say in advance so that I didn't accidentally say something needlessly cruel by accident. Good luck in whatever you do.

Original poster
Outgrownthemarriage · 27/06/2023 21:05

Thank you for your wise words, I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I just don’t know if it will be a mistake. Can I ask, if not too personal, how you were so sure?

OP posts:
giveacatabowl · 27/06/2023 21:15

But do you dislike him/ hate him?

I think once you've committed to each other the least you can do is try and bring back some excitement/ love / joy in the relationship. And do it proactively over a period of time. Very few couples are happy together all the time. Worthwhile things are hard.

IfYouDontAsk · 27/06/2023 21:21

I think once you've committed to each other the least you can do is try and bring back some excitement/ love / joy in the relationship. And do it proactively over a period of time. Very few couples are happy together all the time. Worthwhile things are hard.

I agree. Especially when there are children involved. I’m not suggesting you stay in an unhappy marriage at all costs but once we choose to become parents I believe that we owe it to them to be able to look them in the eye and say “I gave it my very best shot”. I’d commit to marriage counselling for a minimum of six months.

Original poster
Outgrownthemarriage · 27/06/2023 21:22

I just don’t have those feelings there anymore, forcing myself to try doesn’t feel natural to me, I know that sounds awful.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 27/06/2023 21:28

I did. I had been with DH since I was 21, we were together for a decade but by the end of it he was basically the same person and I just... wasn't. It got to the point where I don't think we even liked each other. We didn't argue really, but we lived in a house full of the tiny simmering resentments and eyerolls you might experience if you lived with a flatemate you didn't like. We tolerated each other but pretty much loved separate lives.

Clearly, we split up, who could live like that?!? BUT we didn't have children. I like to think if we had children we would have done all the things - counselling and date nights and all that - to try and give it more of a go. I think people do owe their children their best effort to make the family unit work.

If you think you can find a way back to loving each other and a happy marriage but it will just take a bit of work, then do the work. You won't regret it, even if you still split up. And you can tell the kids later that you really did everything you could. On the other hand, if you are miserable, don't actually like each other and don't think anything can change that, then obviously it's time to call it quits.

Tryingtobepositive123 · 27/06/2023 21:29

I think things sound slightly different for us as my dp has been quite grumpy for a long while which put me off.

I can see the merit in couples counselling, not least to help him understand how you feel.

But if you think you're friends rather than lovers, and that isn't changing, then what would he want you to do?

How would you feel if he slept with someone else?

Ghislainedefeligonde · 27/06/2023 21:50

I’ve also been with dh since I was 22, now 44 and have decided our marriage is over. We do have children and did try over several months to spend more time together, try to reconnect, even a couple counsellor for a couple of sessions (but he was not willing to look at the issues so it was a waste of time)
He is a bit controlling and coercive so not entirely the same situation, but it feels like I’ve outgrown him and we’ve nothing in common any more

Hatari00 · 27/06/2023 21:55

I’m in the same position- married for 17 years and it’s evident we have gone in two different paths. Only staying because of daughter and husband doesn’t agree that we have nothing in common

Hatari00 · 27/06/2023 22:13

I’m 42 and there is part of me freaking out as I know the longer I go like this I’ll eventually just settle for ‘passing my days’ existing and not living…

Alcemeg · 27/06/2023 22:25

Read this, OP, I really think it might help you make sense of your situation. Flowers

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Coming-Apart-Relationships-Through-Ending/dp/157324547X

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