Can’t hold down a relationship

[floralbug]

I wasn’t sure where to post this but to cut a long story short, I’m 31 (almost 32) and have never had a long term relationship. The longest I’ve ever dated someone is 11 months. I know I’m the problem but I’m not sure how to fix me If that makes sense.

For a bit of background, my mother was emotionally and physically abusive for my entire childhood. Aside from all the physical harm, she would constantly tell me that I was stupid and worthless, that no one would ever love me, how horrible I looked and how she wished she had a pretty daughter and she would make me get on the scales every morning and afternoon. If the number was wrong, I would get punished. Needless to say now that I’m an adult I have awful body image and significant confidence/self esteem issues. I went no contact with her in my early 20s and thought that would help but if I’m being honest I think a lot of the issues I have stem from this abuse and are still prevalent and causing problems.

I’m currently reflecting after yet another breakup, we weren’t dating long but he was a lovely guy and I really tried hard to make things work however I’m shy and not very confident in how I look and this obviously comes across and probably does put a lot of men off. We were intimate a few times and naturally it was a little bit awkward at first(as it is with anyone new in my opinion!) and he made a number of comments after we’d slept together such as commenting on how insecure I was, suggesting I watched porn and got counselling (basically suggesting that I’m rubbish in bed) but before I could do anything he dumped me so that was that.

Looking at things a few months down the line I feel quite embarrassed about everything that went on and that I can’t maintain a relationship, I try my best to not project my anxieties and insecurities on a partner but clearly I must do and I suppose a lack of experience doesn’t help either. I know confidence is key etc.. but after decades of being told I’m awful and not enough I just can’t step away from that mindset and fake it. I’m on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication which helps with the general day to day stuff but not much else. I don’t know whether counselling will help to work through things? I am overweight which definitely doesn’t help and I am in the process of losing it but I still had these feelings when I was a couple of stone lighter so I don’t think it’s the magic cure.

I really want a fulfilling relationship and to settle down and have a family one day but I know I need to work through all the trauma and improve my mindset to achieve this but just don’t know where to start really as there’s so much of it. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas that would be really helpful

I would also suggest some therapy or counselling to help you process your traumatic childhood- there’s an app called better help you could look at as a start

he made a number of comments after we’d slept together such as commenting on how insecure I was, suggesting I watched porn

Lmao - what would want going porn teach you - how to fake enjoyment & orgasms.

That makes him sound like a total idiot.

The counselling.... Maybe.

You may need ongoing counseling with a really good, kind counsellor due to your psycho bitch from hell mother, you poor thing.

*what would watching porn teach you

I don't think you're the reason that relationship failed tbh, he sounds a bit odd..... The right guy would have stuck it out a whole and been kind and gained your trust and seen if things changed/developed over a reasonable period of time. He didn't.

I think it was as much him as anything you did/are.

Not everyone will want or be suited to a relationship with you .... No matter what our background or looks etc.

I've had plenty of failed relationships (as someone with parents who sound like saints compared to yours, a skinny Minnie etc.) either because we just didn't suit or they didn't want an LTR with me (or vice versa), it's not easy finding someone where you both want an LTR with each other and suit each other. It takes time and making lots of opportunities to meet people.

It still sounds like counselling would still be worth it though, your childhood and mother are a lot to deal with.

OK. The only thing wrong with you is that you think there is something wrong with you. Remove that from the equation, and work out what you have then. A guy who tried to push you to be something you're not, and dumped you when you didn't change the second he clicked his fingers.

he made a number of comments after we’d slept together such as commenting on how insecure I was, suggesting I watched porn and got counselling (basically suggesting that I’m rubbish in bed) but before I could do anything he dumped me so that was that

Is this how your dream man would behave? If so, why do you want that? If not, why are you blaming yourself for the breakup?

You are allowed to be shy. You are allowed to have anxieties. You are allowed to be insecure. You are allowed to have all the feelings that you think are ruining your chances of a successful relationship. With a compatible partner, these will feel minimised as problems, and you will be accepted for all you are.

Anxiety is what happens when you feel that nobody will come to your aid if you're in trouble, and so you might get overwhelmed. But the person who needs to come to your aid is you. When we become adults, we don't need our parents anymore, not because we don't need taking care of, but because we are deemed old enough to look after ourselves. We have to take that on as an active role, in the same way we would care for a child. You feed yourself, and clothe yourself, but do you give yourself a cuddle when you feel like shit? Are you there to calm you down in times of difficulty? Do you reassure yourself when you feel hurt and worried? Clearly not: you tell yourself that there is something wrong with you, and that you need 'fixing'. That's the mechanism that's harming you. Things go wrong, and you blame yourself, rather than thinking that it might simply be incompatibility, or perhaps the guy wasn't that great, and didn't treat you so well.

Be your own mum, now. Don't follow in your actual mum's footsteps; that's what makes things fall apart. You thought that it was ok for this guy to speak to you in that way, but how did it make you feel? Can you identify what you felt like when he said those things to you?

You had a horrific childhood and that's only the parts you can remember.
You really need to see a psychotherapist or trauma therapist.

That's not necessarily the only way, and can be prohibitively expensive/time or energy sapping for many.

You can help yourself, too, OP.

Well he sounds likes a peach - have you thought that it’s not you?

he’s not a lovely guy - he’s a shit. He didn’t reassure you he was horrible

maybe you’re right not to want longer term relationships with this twats

counselling yes - you were abused by the very person supposed to love you - who wouldn’t need counselling but to build up your love of you and to explore you and the beautiful, strong, survivor that’s inside and your confidence.

don’t waste another second on this twat - it’s not you it’s him

I suspect it will be very difficult for the OP if she has suffered complex PTSD to resolve the issues without the support of a therapist.
It is expensive but you only get one life and you have to make choices.
It does take a long time but I think working with a professional will be much quicker in the long term than trying to do self help.

If any man suggested l watch porn ld walk away without a glance. He sounds a self centred, entitled twat tbh.

Good of you to reiterate your point, @FancyShmanci.

I'll reiterate mine: OP, there are other ways, if you don't feel therapy is for you.

OP - maybe, just maybe you just haven't met the right guy yet and the insecurity and anxiety is simply the way your emotional system tells you this. The right guy for you won't make you feel like this.

I'm a fair bit older than you and have 2 long term relationships to my name. The rest were lucky if they lasted 6 months! Regardless of who ended them, the fact of the matter was, we weren't right for each other.

It's not your responsibility to "make a relationship work". If it's right for you, it will "just work" - you'll click and it will be mutual. Nobody is compatible with everyone they meet and just because a relationship doesn't work out it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you that needs fixing. You're just figuring out what you DON'T want, that's all.

Thanks so much for all the replies and perspectives, it’s been helpful to consider things from other angles which would never have occurred to me unless someone else pointed them out if that makes sense!

I didn’t think much about the comments at the time, I kind of thought they were a clumsy attempt to help. Until he dumped me that is! The comments did make me feel sad and embarrassed at the time though because it did highlight my insecurities and whilst there’s probably some truth to his suggestions (the counselling bit not the porn bit! I can’t see how watching porn would help anyone with body image issues!) it’s not nice to have someone comment on it right after you’ve been intimidate with them.

I definitely do have a tendency to blame myself when things go wrong- something else I need to work on! I think this is because I always try to see the best in people which usually results in me blaming myself and absolving them of any responsibility which is probably what I’ve done with this breakup. I do think counselling/therapy would be helpful anyway though. I definitely couldn’t afford it privately so I might explore if this is something I can access through my GP.

I appreciate you all taking the time out your days to reply, I was having a bad day yesterday and the kindness in your replies have really helped ☺️

The comments did make me feel sad and embarrassed at the time though because it did highlight my insecurities and whilst there’s probably some truth to his suggestions

But people who care about you don't highlight your insecurities; they support you in them. Imagine if you were uncomfortable around, say, spiders. Would a good partner take spiders out of the house without bothering you about them, or put them in front of you and tell you that that was what you needed, to fix your problems?

The comments made you feel sad and embarrassed. It really doesn't matter why. You then chose to stay with someone who made comments that saddened and embarrassed you, and looked for ways to blame yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you, so you don't need to go through that process. All you need to do is ask 'Do I like the way I feel?', and if it's 'sad and embarrassed', chances are 'No'. So then you don't like how he's making you feel, and you work out if you want to be with someone who makes you feel that way. That's the process. It doesn't involve blaming yourself. Even if it was your 'fault', who cares? You are who you are. Your job isn't to change yourself to be what other people want, it's to find people who want you as you are. Leave those who don't, and that's boundaries and self respect, sorted.

If your parents constantly tell a child that they are a worthless, ugly piece of shit then that child will believe that's what they are and will attract people who will reinforce that belief.
The only person who is going to change that belief/pattern is you.
If you are going to have therapy, please don't opt for CBT as it will not help to undo deep seated beliefs rooted in childhood trauma.