Married and best male friend told me he has feelings for me

[Bdbdbsbrun]

I’ve been married for 4 years, with my husband for 7. We have a 2 year old together also. My best male friend of around 15 years told me he has feelings for me a few days ago. We met at the weekend in a group of friends and the next day he was being odd / saying he wasn’t sure about making future plans for a concert we were meant to be going to later in the year. Then said it’s because we would be sharing a room (not just us but also 2 more of our female friends) and he didn’t think he’d be able to control himself.

i find this so out of the blue as there’s never been anything like this crop up in our friendship before. Before I was married / I was single we used to get high together (neither do drugs now) in our early 20s and usually end up passing out in the same room. During all that time when we were both single nothing ever happened. So this comment about not being able to control himself has really surprised me.

the problem is I’m now wondering if I’ve done something to lead him on. Me and my husband have been having problems (like we haven’t had sex pretty much since before our daughter was born) and I’ve been open about this / complaining about it I suppose but we’ve always both been open about things like that. But wondering if he’s taken this the wrong way.

im not particularly happy in my marriage but don’t want anything with this friend either / don’t want to leave the marriage yet for any reason. I find friend objectively good looking and have told him this because he’s been very down about not being able to find a woman to settle down with (but again I’m now thinking he’s taken this the wrong way).

i think he’s probably in a bad place at the moment as he’s been quite low about being single So im hoping it’s a fleeting thing rather than he’s fallen for me or something. He’s my closest friend and I feel absolutely gutted as I can’t imagine things can be the same now.

has anyone had anything similar / did you manage to stay friends?

One thing at a time :)

You are not responsible for someone else's feelings and you don't need to break your own mind over trying to understand why he confessed his feelings now. You may be right that he may be in a bad place and your compliment may have nudged him to project some things onto you.

If you are absolutely certain you do not share those feelings take a step back and tell him about it - its ok to feel uncomfortable and let things cool off. It may go back to normal after he had time to sort out his feelings.

in the meantime, if you do want to work on your marriage (which is a separate issue) his presence would probably make it even harder, giving you even more of a reason to out him on a bit of a time out. That doesn't mean forever though :)

It sounds like he thinks he has a way in with what you have said about no sex with your husband. He might just be chancing his arm.

Why do you assume it's controlling himself around you and not one of the other two women sharing the room and why can't he just get his own room? Even without drug alcohol can do plenty of damage. It's not relevant to the outcome which is to distance yourself from this predictable creep (don't believe in straight men and women being just friends) but I wanted to understand.

‘Not being able to control himself’ sounds a bit rapey.

I’d back off for that alone.