How not to feel resentful

[Arukat]

NC. I have a close friend who I know will be there for me if shit really hits the fan. However, they are really bad at initiating contact and it’s always me suggesting to meet up etc.

Furthermore, we have a group chat with our two partners in it and whenever I ask them a question, it’s always the partner that responds, never the friend. It’s like the partner is the friend’s PA at times! (So as not to drip feed and in case this is asked - the friend’s partner is definitely not controlling - if anything they are the opposite i.e. a bit of a pushover)

I have tried talking to friend about this in the past but we had a huge argument and nothing has changed. I think bringing it up again would make it worse and potentially ruin the friendship completely.

My partner is also very close to this friend and their respective partner. My partner says that I need to put my resentment to one side because at the end of the day we know friend will be there for us if we really need them. But the lack of initiation really really annoys me. I’m trying to do what partner has said but I’m struggling. Tips to not feel resentful?

I could have written this post myself and my 'close friend'.

I've actually stopped initiating contact. I'm fed up of making the effort, them reading it and then taking weeks to reply.

Friendships can sometimes run their course.

Don't be sad about it. I'd personally leave them to it and continue with your life. My DH also speaks to friends DH and they speak more often than we do.

You can save a lot of energy from this relationship by leaving it be. Hope that makes sense.

Thanks so much for your reply and it does make sense. I think the problem is that it would break my partners heart if I were to cut contact as we always hang out all together and it would make things very difficult for my partner to continue having a relationship with the other couple (it would just make things awkward). We are also part of a wider group of friends who are very close and it would make things very awkward with everyone involved.

I would rather, if possible, learn to stop being resentful so that we can all still hang out. But I don’t know how to go about changing my feelings

Why do you refer to this person as a close friend when they don’t initiate any contact and they don’t reply to you?

I don’t understand why you keep messaging someone who isn’t responding.

Can you compromise? Don't cut contact and continue to hang out in a group. But stop proactively engaging with them and become more passive / responsive.

I'm "this friend" so I thought I'd just give you her perspective. One of my best friends is constantly making jokes about how hard it is to get me to reply, I take ages, I've forgotten about her etc etc. We usually laugh it off...but did have one serious conversation/argument about it. I know to her, it feels like I just can't be bothered or whatever...but in reality I'm a working mum of two children (6 & 9). My day starts at 7am sorting out the puppy...get everyone ready for school, myself ready for work, do the school run..straight to work. Do a day's work, pick up the kids, get home..sort the dog...reading/homework...tea time...bath time...bed time. The days can feel so busy, and yes I might scroll mindlessly for half an hour but that takes no social skills or brain cells. Sometimes I literally feel "talked out" because I communicate alllllll day. I have kids asking me for things, a partner to spend time with, I work in the care sector so am "needed" the entire time I'm in work. Life can be really exhausting...some people have unlimited social batteries and that means no matter how busy their life is, they are always down for small talk and texting. Some people, like me, feel overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Could this be her issue?

I'm not saying cut contact, I'm staying stop initiating it. Let them do the organising.

Just to add....this thread has given me the nudge to message her first today ;) she'll be impressed!

@conversationsinthedark Lol! I’m glad to hear that 😅I do totally get what you’re saying about life getting in the way of replying. It’s not so much the forgetting to reply that bugs me (I do this, as do lots of my other friends and I really don’t see it as an issue) but the lack of initiation at meeting up - and letting their partner do all the replying rather than replying themselves.

thanks very much for the replies - I will do as suggested and just step back from initiating things from now on.

Is she busy? Working long hours, kids? I have a friend that makes digs at me not replying etc. but in reality I work 12 hour shifts and on my two days off three max, its catch up time with house work and and spending time as a family. As much as I love spending time with my friend she works two hours a day week days and has allot more free time than me. I think sometimes stepping back and understanding what is going on in other people's life. Although I understand it's frustrating it's also hard when your life is very full on.

This

@insatiableme nope - we have kids but they don’t which is sometimes why I feel extra pissed off. Their job is the same level of stress as mine and my partner’s.

It is possible that they don’t want to initiate because they don’t know what would work with our kids/want kid free activities - I hadn’t thought of this but could genuinely be the reason.

Having said that, the poor contact stems from before kids were in the picture, but I think I have grown more resentful since being short on time and having kids

I would take a step back.

However, there’s no law saying you are only allowed to contact her on this group chat.

Could you message her 1:1? Or, God forbid, call her?

You can’t change your feelings but you can change your expectations and accept that this is the dynamic between your friend and her partner. It might not suit you and it might not be how you'd do things, but it’s not your place to dictate how they communicate with their wider circle of friends.