Should I stay or leave 😬

[Sirthats7toilets]

Hi, First time posting here. I know it’s been done to death but I don’t know whether to stay or leave my partner. We have been together for 9 years and have a 7yo (nearly 8) daughter. There’s no abuse and we don’t argue and I don’t hate him or anything but it’s all just a bit meh I’ve spent months trying to work out where my head is at , sometimes it’s 51% sometimes it’s 49% but I’m no nearer making a decision now than I was 6 months ago. I’ve started noticing other men exist which I never had before and I feel like other men in my life pay me more attention and notice me/listen to me/ are affectionate to me more than he is. He never says I love you, hasn’t for years though will repeat it if I say it to him 🙄. He did originally want to get married but now doesn’t. Never pays me a compliment either physically or otherwise (I.e. I’m proud of you or well done) I know his family are all like this and I think his parents relationship was a pretty loveless or at least affection-less marriage. We did go see a counsellor a couple of years ago but with them being an hours drive away and having to find childcare for the 3 hours we would be gone every week was a bit difficult. When I recently mentioned I still wasn’t happy and suggested counselling again he said he didn’t want to go this time but would if I put an ultimatum of “if you don’t come with me I’m leaving you” I worry sometimes he stays because it’s the easy option financially and practically and not because he loves me. My main complaint is we don’t have fun/laugh really ever and it doesn’t feel like we enjoy other each others company , I’m happy to spend time with him but it doesn’t feel special and I’d equally be happy to spend time away from him with my friends if you get me. I’m finding it hard to put into words how I feel because I can’t even work out in my head how I feel. I think it is probably fixable if we both work at it but I’m not sure I want to or if he will etc . I think if we did not have a child I would suggest a few months apart to have some space and see how we both feel but I don’t want to mess our kid around and he hasn’t really got anywhere to go for a few months (I own the house )
The relationship started with him chasing me and me not being interested for a good while and then for a year or so I felt like I was the one more in love with him . There was some minor cheating in that he was prob having what is classed as an emotional affair, he didn’t meet up with the girls but was texting them bad mouthing me etc and had totally shut off from me. He’s not a big talker. Any advice welcome , especially anyone who has been in same situation. I almost feel like if I found out he was texting other girls again it would make my decision easier by pushing me towards the leave direction and making my mind up for me, I don’t know what would push me back in to the stay direction, I suppose for us to have laugh/fun together but I don’t know how to do that !
Thanks for reading anyone who got this far x

Leave you get one life, and this doesn’t sound like much a life to me.

If you’re asking the question then the answer is leave

If you have to ask you know the answer.

You're unhappy, he's unwilling to put in any effort to change that (unless you count a half arsed attempt if its an ultimatum which never works)

It's only a matter of when. You do it now, or you do it later when you meet someone and have an emotional affair yourself.

You will leave him eventually. Do it sooner rather than later.

I agree leave is the best option. Maybe individual therapy for yourself to validate how u feel etc would help with decision

Yes I think you are right and that would help me. Thanks

Thankyou. I think this is what I needed to hear ladies 🙏. Got some sleepless nights ahead I feel x

For me, he ended it when he was being critical of me at the same time as chatting up another woman. That was the end. I wouldn't be able to get past that.

Uts your house? So he leaves.

Definitely part ways. He brings very little to your life and seems disinterested in you. You are looking for reasons to split up so that tells you what you need to do. It's your house so he needs to leave, and as a pp mentioned maybe individual therapy for yourself to help with your decision.

Might you be on a continuum that goes
he's a bit meh
he pays me no attention
gosh he's annoying
I don't like him very much
gosh it's a drain living with him
I really dislike him

if so, I'd go sooner rather than later

Leave! What does he even bring to your life?!

I know you’re right , I’m struggling to man up and just do it. I don’t know why. I still feel like I might regret it down the line 😣 hovering in no man’s land now x

First time responding on here. I'm in a very similar situation - but a bit further down the line. Been together 30 yrs, married 20. 2 DS 19 & 22. Fell out of love, nothing in common, typical silver splitter, friends described him as a fun sponge. We did couples therapy, DH didnt really benefit from that. Then we both had individual therapy and after about 12 months of that we have decided to separate BUT almost every moment of the day (when not distracted with work) I wonder whether it's the right thing! It consumes my life, but then it is a huge decision, it would be easier if he was a w*nker!

I would suggest a little more effort on both your parts to see if it's what you want. Dont tell him if the 'work' doesn't help you're out of the relationship - use it as a test for yourself to see if you really want to leave. Is he capable of opening up if you do? Tell him more about yourself and your needs and wants, hopefully he'll do the same. Arrange some fun things yourself & ask him to do similar? Don't call them dates (ughh).

Yeh most of my friends would be happy if I broke up with him I think but I suppose they mostly only hear the negatives from me as if it’s everything is fine you don’t feel the need to talk about the relationship with friends. I would say we don’t have any fun really , our daughter was with my sister for a week a couple of months ago and I said shall we go on a couple of dates , you organise first one then I’ll organise second one . This was weeks and weeks in advance and I did remind him once then we got to that week and obv he hadn’t planned a thing or even said aside one brain cell to think about it and it didn’t happen. I wasn’t surprised. Agree 100% easier if he was a wanker, drinking/gambling/ going out with his mates all the time leaving me at home/ never helping with chores but he’s not a bad human being i just don’t think we are lovers more just friends who co parent for example , we also agree on everything parenting wise. I am literally spending every minute of the day thinking about it atm it’s eating me up a bit inside !
Thanks so much for your reply.

Well you will all be glad to hear I grew some balls and split up with him on Thursday ! I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am sure there are plenty of hard times ahead as he hasn’t moved out yet and I don’t know when he will and we’ll have to organise who has the kid and when etc but Thankyou for nudging me in the right direction ladies !

How are you feeling OP?

Hi yeh feeling good about it Thankyou. It was definitely time and it’s sort of exciting to be starting a new adventure. I spent a long time just feeling disappointed that I wasn’t treated the way I wanted to be and I felt I wasn’t appreciated so there’s no more of those feelings. When I told him he didn’t even ask me why I wanted to break up or try to encourage me not too so he obviously wasn’t invested it the relationship either !

I'm glad you've made steps and took control of your future; it's inspiring to read and thanks for coming back on here and letting people know how you managed things.