Supporting a partner with depression

[FlyingPi]

My husband is going through something and has been signed off work with high blood pressure and depression, the doctor has put him on Citalopran. He's always had very low-level depression but it's never really affected anything before other than he's a fairly introverted person who prefers to only be around his family. He had some kind of bad conversation with his boss last week who is blaming him for a work situation that has been dragging on for months and, honestly, doesn't seem like there was anything he could do about it. He's been getting measured for blood pressure spikes and felt it rising, got really worried about his health and immediately declared that he doesn't want to go back to that job, ever, in fact doesn't want to be a line manager ever again and can't see himself even in the same industry that he's always been in. As I've only been working very part-time around young child's school hours and basically earn bugger all, this could be an issue financially, so he's stressed about how we'd make that work, thinking about maybe becoming a driving instructor or getting some completely different job.

Probably because of the pills he's sleeping a lot or slumping over his phone in another room most of the time, getting a lot of headaches. When he's in the same room as me/our child he seems really disengaged and vague, almost robotic, isn't noticing things like piles of dishes, spillages, etc, but will tidy up/take the dog out/feed child if asked. It's all completely unlike him and really worrying me.

So my main priority is that he gets better and doesn't end up suicidal or driven to a heart attack or anything. I don't care about anything else as long as he's alive and well, so if he needs to leave his job that's fine. I'm sure I can get some more work if I have to (I've applied for two jobs already) and I generally have a fairly breezy attitude to money as I've been on low incomes for most of my life before we met. However I do have to put our child first and with holidays coming up he'll be around the house a lot more.

What are the best ways I can support my husband here? What should I be saying to make him feel safe and calm, should I be leaving him alone to rest or encouraging him to go for walks or cycle, should I be asking him to do things around the house as normal or will it feel like pressure? I've not got much experience with depression apart from best friend who is bipolar and has bad lows, so I'm not sure it's the same. If anyone has had this type of depression and recovered, what helped you and what didn't?

You sound lovely op and I’m so sorry that your dh is suffering.

I would say do not underestimate how physical an illness depression is, so encourage your dh to eat, sleep and exercise well. That’s not easy when your depressed but the latest research I think is showing that you can’t really have optimum mh unless those three things are functioning well.

Second I would relieve any stress he is feeling so sort out the job issue properly, encourage him to talk to his boss, get some proper medical leave sorted, or resign. But don’t have it dragging on … .

Finally know that just by being there and showing your support and love you are helping a lot even though it may not seem like it.

Those side effects sound pretty bad, can he try a different AD? He's probably got brain fog so sorting anything out in that state is impossible - he needs to get a sick note and be signed off while he goes through the first two weeks of taking a new AD. He doesn't need the pressure of having to do anything while he's in that state.
Is he getting any therapy?
I'd gently encourage him to do those things first, let him rest if he needs to, and be supportive.

I have bipolar disorder and suffer from severe lows which consume me both mentally and physically, so I’ll comment based on my experience.

How long has he been taking the citalopram for? Antidepressants can cause people to feel detached and ‘out of it’ initially (although in my case this persisted for months so I had to come off them - SSRIs don’t suit everyone but there are other options).

I think asking him to do things around the house could feel like pressure at the moment, although I understand how difficult it must be to suddenly be carrying the extra load.

When I’ve been severely depressed, I’ve found it helpful to have someone check in on me periodically throughout the day. I wouldn’t ask things like ‘how are you feeling?’ but maybe just a basic chat, something that might engage him in normal conversation. I would take him food and drinks rather than ask if he’d like anything, and leave it there for him if he’s not responsive. If he won’t eat then you could get some Complan milkshakes and a straw. They’re surprisingly OK, I lived off these for a while when I couldn’t eat.

In terms of encouraging him to do some activity… you could perhaps say things along the lines of, ‘I’m going out for a walk, would you like to join me?’ rather than ‘you really need to get up and get outside’ I.e. introducing pressure. Exposure to daylight and sun can be so beneficial. Do you have a garden? That could be a good start.

Audiobooks can be really helpful.

But most importantly, are you taking care of yourself? Make sure you’re scheduling in time to relax and/or do something you enjoy. It’s hard work caring for someone who’s depressed, you need to focus on your own well-being too and have some respite from it.

Thanks all