I need help with my daughter who I share with my narcissistic ex.

[21seconds12]

I’ve got a thread on here where I’ve discovered my ex is narcissistic. We’ve got an almost 8 year old we share and I’ve a partner of a few years and a baby. He also has a new girlfriend and baby. They had no contact for a few years which was decided by a judge.

Daughter seems to have always found relationships difficult. She seeks attention good or bad and creates attention if she isn’t getting it. She can’t play and not win, if she isn’t wining she’ll spoil the game for everyone, she won’t share. She has problems with friendships at school. She will have one friend and it’s very intense with lots of arguing. We gets phonecalls constantly from the school because they in trouble.

Since contact with her dad re-started last year her relationships at home have just started eroding. I’ve been with my partner 3 years and their relationship had always been good and positive. It is now terrible. She has her dad now and that is that. She doesn’t even want me anymore as I don’t lavish her with the same attention as her father does on his contact every other weekend. She thinks because I’m not one on one, buying toys constantly I don’t love her. I’ve tried so hard to say she can have many relationships. She comes back from his weekend crying. She will cry all day at school. She wants more time with her dad but he doesn’t want to take up more time. The time she spends with him he is Disney dad. We do lots here also but she forgets it all and daddy is better. What we do is never enough and I’m not interested in getting in competition with him. She will often say daddy buys me this so you should. He takes me here so you should.

The atmosphere here is so bad. She rolls her eyes and ignores my partner. She rolls her eyes and talks back to me about everything. It’s obviously awful for her to go from her dads where she is Center or attention to here where I treat everyone the same. I’m not Disney mum. I’ve got school and homework to get through etc etc. I’ve no problem with her missing her dad , that’s normal but that doesn’t mean she comes home and have no respect for us.

Im worried about what’s happening. Is she turning out like her dad? She can’t seem to cope without attention of some kind. Is this normal. Why can’t she love the both of us and those in her family? It feels like she is on a drug and when she comes here she on a come down, she acts so aggressively and hateful. Do all children just seek attention from one person and not want anyone else?

I wish her would have her more, perhaps she would be happier here.

how old was she when you and your ex have split up?

You need to separate out DD’s problems.

Meet with school and ask them if they think DD might have any additional needs. I have some knowledge of autism in girls, and your description ticks some boxes.

Is your ex narcissistic, or does he genuinely struggle to maintain relationships? Might your DD have inherited some ‘traits’ from him? If he has social/communication impairments, then it might explain her behaviour.

When you know more about what’s driving your DD’s behaviour, you can then come up with a plan with school (if not her dad).

@TheOutlaws is right. She struggling with appropriate relationships and she's struggling to adjust between settings. Her father seems to have similar difficulties. I'd absolutely get the school on board and/or someone with some knowledge of autism in girls.

@PaintedEgg She was 3

@TheOutlaws Im pretty sure he was abusive but could have been driven by something else. He was aggressive, especially if you said something he didn’t like. He didn’t like women telling him what to do. He drank and smoked. He always felt that people were against him. He expected to be paid for the things he did. He threw stuff. Didn’t behave like this at work. I was expected to never question and just behave. Men weren’t allowed to talk to me and he denied it blamed me for anything he did to me. If anything I may be the one with relationship problems as I let it go on unnoticed for so long.

@21seconds12 he definitely sounds abusive, and very unpleasant to live with. You did so well to extract yourself from the relationship. It’s very difficult dealing with abusers, sending strength your way.

Your DD’s teachers might be able to shed some light on her difficulties. Remember she is acting out with you, because you’re her safe haven.

It likely she may have some traits of Narcissism too, needing to win, aggressiveness. Listen to the podcast of Phil in the Blanks on Narc and also Borderline it’s illuminating.

@Sittwritt thats what worries me. She has to win, she will make the others cry or she will sabotage the game. She needs attention good or bad, she lies, takes things etc even after years of going over it’s not good to lie. I know a lot of this can happen to all children. She does have real difficulties in relationships because of the lying and the aggressiveness when she can’t get her own way. Eg biting her friends or pushing them.

Ive had an appointment with the gp yesterday and they said they don’t have children’s services available and told me to call early year hub I believe it’s called.

For mental health I believe it’s CAMS. The only thing I can help with this sort of behaviour is dialectical behaviour therapy, because it could be borderline personality disorder and that’s the only thing that can help. With narcissism itself the only thing that helps is boundaries.