Changed my mind about marriage

[Copenhagener]

I’ve been with my boyfriend since 2016, we own a home together and I’ve moved to be in home country (Scandinavia).

I’m 32 and he’s 40. He was married before, but they quickly divorced. They haven’t really spoken since (it was nearly 20 years ago).

Until recently, I didn’t see the point in marriage. I have no family or friends to invite, and being a bride and arranging a wedding would be my idea of hell. Because of that, I’ve never asked for marriage.

We’ve recently started IVF treatment because we’re having trouble conceiving, and it’s changed my mind. If I do have kids, I want their parents to be married. I would also like more legal recognition of our relationship in this country, and a native-sounding last name.

In the past he’s said ‘I’ve been there and done that’ and has no interest in having another wedding. While I’m happy not to do a big wedding, I would like the proposal part. I feel a bit envious that his ex got an elaborate proposal and wedding, and he didn’t even really like her all that much.

After all this time I feel awkward asking him to propose to me. It kills the spontaneity part, and I feel a bit less worthy because I have to ask for something most women - including his ex - just receive!

I’ve dropped a few hints, but he’s not really picked up on it.

Has anyone had a similar situation, and how did you handle it?

TBH if you are on IVF you are beyond the proposal stage - the horse has bolted. You just can’t force these things.

Just agree a date to get married and crack on with it.

If you’ve previously told him you’re not interested in marriage, you’re going to have to formally tell him you now are and talk it through.

You say he has no interest in having another wedding but are you sure he doesn't mean he is not interested in being married again?
I don't think you're in a place where you can rely on dropping hints, you have to actually make it clear that you have changed position on this issue

Just have a chat!

Oh FFS! Have a grown up conversation.

Please tell me you are intending to have the same name as your child?

Just have a chat.
Hints to do something you both previously agreed never to do, will never be picked up!

Lay your cards on the table..'hey babe I actually do want to get married <citing reasons above>. And if you're up for that, then I'd quite like a proposal too! Never realised I'd feel this way but I just do now. Would that be something you could get on board with?'

Done

Proposals and engagement shouldn't BE a totally spontaneous thing. They should be something both parties know they want in advance.

Just tell him what you said here. You realised you do want to get married.

You don't need a wedding or to be a bride or anything, just go sign the papers.

Don't give your child this man's name.

When I met my husband. We started to live together he asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told him a ring wink wink. If he hadn't have done this I would have told him it was over as it was important to me that we were both on the same page.

There's nothing wrong with changing your mind OP, but you can't expect him to guess / pick up on hints. Talk to him.

You're conflating "a wedding" with "marriage".