Experiences on leaving husband/partner when you have children with them

[ShellaB]

Has anybody experienced this with their husband/partner. If so, (and you don't mind sharing) I'd like to know how this affected the kids? How did it affect you financially, as costs are split? Did you regret it at all? How did it affect you? How did you go about doing it the best way possible?

Been feeling like this for a loooooooong time, but there are kids involved now, and I just want my kids to grow up in a two parent household, unlike myself. They absolutely adore their father, and I couldn't bear not having them wake up to him every morning. It would just break my heart hearing them calling for daddy, and him not being there. Not going to delve into the details, but most importantly how did it affect the kids?

Yes he has no contact and pays no maintenance, its affected them very badly but he broke up with me so it wasn't my choice to "regret"

Kids are never going to want their parents to split up. Is it something you could work on or are you at the end of the line?

Sorry to hear that, must've been really hard

To be honest,
Sometimes I feel like it's the best relationship in the world "we'll never break up" type of feeling.

Other times I just want to disappear the same day.... More of the latter though.

But for a while It's just been for the kids, otherwise I would have 🏃🏼‍♀️. It's just been such an unpredictable relationship.

I only had one other relationship before this one, and that wasn't for very long. I feel like I'm just learning my way through this one, from how to be treated at times, and being appreciated, and respected.

I left when DD wad 1.
She is 5 now. It took a while but her dad and I are in as good a place we can be in. I have a new partner, he hates that another man is in her life but that's another story.
All I all I left because we were never compatible but I made it work because I thought we were.
We argued, I walked on eggshells, we didn't have sex in 2 years and I hated being on the same planet as him the moment he has the first sip of alcohol.
I didnt want my dd growing up thinking this was ok. That you stay because of kids. That aggression is ok. That calling each other names whilst angry is acceptable. That a marriage can exist without love and adoration.
Exh is a great father and I never want her to see the side he bought out whilst we were married. I also never want to see they side of myself I saw when I was suffering in the marriage.
Dd lives with me, her had had her from Saturday mornings till teatime Sunday and will have her 2 evenings of the week after school till an hour before bedtime and then he either picks her up or drops her off. It's not ideal bur we love within 15 mins of each other and he gets to see her multiple times in the week.
I chose not to move away so that she could always have equal access to time with her dad. In fact ive given up a lot of career progression by not moving away but I wouldn't change that, she loves her dad and I'd like to stay amicable for her.

All in all, by staying in an unhappy marriage you're not putting the kids first, you're blaming them for your unhappiness.
You lut them first by taking them out of a harmful environment then engineering the situation to best suit them. Divorcing but staying local for examples. Nor bad mouthing each other and so on.
Its a work in progress and it really depends on the character of the person you're leaving. But ultimately it is for the better.

Ask ANYONE who's parents stayed instead of splitting. It's hell on earth for the kids.

Apologies for the six million mistakes in my posts, I've had too many wines fora Monday!

Following

I’m three weeks into our new life! 2 kids (9&7) cheating narcissistic ex. We (as in me and kids) couldn’t be happier!
They were understandably sad in the run up to moving and have since cried only when their dad cries! But honestly this was the best decision I have made in a long time.
my youngest couldn’t cope with the arguing anymore, bless him. I have spent years holding my thoughts and feelings in but towards the end it was too hard and so things were awful so it was a relief when we were in our own space.
Financially - I had outside help to get myself into a rented flat, whilst our house gets sold.
I work part time and get help from Universal Credit and their dad pays maintenance and helps with clubs etc
You can’t stay together for the sake of the kids, they will see it eventually and a broken home isn’t always because you don’t live together anymore, a broken home comes in many forms - not loving each other but staying together anyway for example.

Its like anything, the kids will get used to a new way of living and maybe 50/50 childcare with their dad could work for you? FaceTime when ever they want to chat to him etc you just make it work

We do 50 50 and it works well

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I've decided, after an incident today to leave. Not because I've come on Mumsnet and read two experiences although they have helped, but because I'm just going to be unhappy and covering it over all the time. What kind of life is that? Imagine, today he said that if I leave him, somebody else is just going to chest on me, so better it be him. Whaaaat on earth? Yh I need to get out of this relationship. It will be hard financially as I'm still on maternity leave, but I'll figure it out. All the best to you all.

I had no choice but to leave

he isn’t allowed to see them.

He’s opted out of working life in some way shape or form to dodge maintenance but I have a very good job so don’t rely on it. He’s just done something else to live down to my expectations. Which in regard to him have been less than zero for some time.

best thing I ever did. He was destroying all our lives and whilst it is hard it is never ever something I look back on and consider a mistake.

you will be fine and if you have to ask these questions then deep down you know the answer.

Mine were little. They are fine. We did 50:50 for 5 years and then we moved away because of work, now exH and the DC zoom or facetime almost every day and spend time together once a month, plus half of school hols. I don't think it's the same now as it used to be, it's so much easier to be in touch, if everybody is up for it.
New DP and I have an unplanned DC together and if I'm honest, the dynamic was better when DP didn't live with us. I would think carefully about growing a family with a new partner in future. But my older DC are really well adjusted, it's just normal to them, and they know lots of other kids in the same boat. And I am SO much happier! I occasionally wonder what my life would be like if I'd stayed with exH and it makes me shudder. He's starting to get health problems now after years of neglecting his health/weight, and he's still blaming everybody else for all his problems.