Think I may have had enough

[Notsurewhatimdoinghere]

Married over 25 years, children all gone and pretty much leading their own lives. My dh has always made all the decisions and been ‘right’ about everything. We live where he wanted to, live life his way. I’ve been rail roaded into every path we’ve gone down and everything has been done his way. I cave in too easily and he digs in too well. I’m pathetic really, such a pushover. I’m like this with everybody and it’s been a part of my personality that I hate.
At times the marriage has been financially abusive (gave up my career to work for him and he has often treated me like a skivvy, he wouldn’t treat the other staff like that) and he was certainly very controlling in ways, when the kids were younger and I was particularly vulnerable. No family here, I’m living in his country. Yeah I know I’ve made a complete balls of things.
Last night he said he was popping out for a very quick pint. To cut a long story short, there’s no local taxi and I agreed to pick him up. I do this regularly for him, he would have problems going out otherwise because of the lack of transport. He left me waiting outside an hour longer than he said he’d be.
I sat there while he did the ‘I’ll be out in 10 minutes’ etc etc thing. It seems such a small thing, but I’m so so upset at his lack of respect for me. He thinks I’ve lost the plot and over the top as I shouted at him about it but I think I’m done. It’s so minor compared to other stuff I’ve had with him but I’m just flat and sad and tired. He just rolls his eyes, said he apologised (he didn’t), is behaving as if I’d done something to him, instead of the other way round. Is this me? Am I mad? Everyone round here thinks he’s great.

You're not mad. Leaving you waiting outside like that was hugely disrespectful. Your anger is fully justified. And it sounds like he knows that.

I wouldn't have stayed. After the 10 minutes had gone by I'd be texting saying I was leaving.
Or I'd have gone in the pub and dragged him out

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, only you know how you feel.

It sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg. You only have one life so don't waste it.

Thank you @AguaLavanda I’ve had years of stuff like this, it just feels like the final straw. If he’d only apologise but it’s like he’s unable to.

You don't sound happy:( if you have the money to leave then do it, it will be hard but you will be happier.

this is the thing about final straws. they are often small things and from the outside look really trivial. but they sort of sum up all the other shit you have put up with . I ended a very long standing relationship with someone for something that everyone else thought was trivial but to me it was just the end of a very very long line of shit and literally I felt that was it enough was enough. you need to keep hold of this feeling the one you have now and start carefully to pick your way through your decision. really, dont turn back.

I think the final straw is a really good way of looking at this. It's bad enough as an isolated example of his entitlement and indifference, but you already have a whole stack of them, right up to the rafters and spilling in all directions!

One thing I began to resent, before leaving my ex-husband, was that similar incidents throughout our relationship just underlined that my time was not as important as his time. Which extrapolates to: my life was not as important as his life.

Stop buying into this belief at the core of your marriage. Once you put yourself centre stage, you might be surprised how much your life improves. Mine skyrocketed without him in it!

My god you’ve all completely hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much for the support x

If you think about it, the term ‘final straw’ is perfect really… something small and insignificant seeming, that in fact, isn’t. Everyone has their breaking point. This is yours. Mine was an innocuous week in a hotel room characterized by casual unkindness and disdain. It doesn’t always have to end at a cataclysmic event.

just think, that thing about your personality you beat yourself up for… you could get rid of it for good and shake things up a bit. Incidentally you are acting like being a pleaser is all your fault. It really isn’t. It’s a consequence of the way you were raised and the role models you were exposed to. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

And also, the very best, most liberating thing about leaving “mr (not so) nice guy” apart from not having to live with him, is realizing that other people’s opinions Do. Not. Matter.

The people you love, and who love you, will just be happy that you’re happier (or should be - prepare for the ‘oh he’s such a greeeeeat guy’ cheerleaders). You no longer have to placate this pillock. And guess what? Your life may well be so much better without your resident domineering fun sponge. Mine was.

Everyone round here thinks he’s great.

If I had £1 for everyone on Mumsnet who has said that about their selfish abusive partners, I’d be on a world cruise right now.

“Street angel, home devil”. Don’t be swayed by people who have never seen his nasty side. He saves it for you, and you deserve so much better.

My “final straw” with a past relationship (many many years ago and after some very disrespectful behaviour) was when he used the toilet when I was in the shower and flushed it, knowing it would turn my water boiling hot, and looked me in the eye as he did it.

LTB. You can be FREE!

You have absolutely no reason to stay with this man and every reason to go.

Let's get practical. Do you own a house between you? Is there still a mortgage on it? Do you work at the moment? Do you earn enough to keep yourself?

Lastly, do you want to stay in this country? Are your children living and working here?

Everyone round here thinks he’s great.

How many times do we read abusers were considered pillars of the community, how nobody thought it was possible as they were always so nice, so helpful.

You aren't going mad, you have just had enough. We all have limits.

Sounds like a total wanker. Sorry OP.

Rather than waiting an hour for him (cannot believe he did that!) why didn’t you just go home? If he can’t be arsed to come out on time, you can’t be arsed to wait. Gently op, you didn’t go home because you’ve been ground down by a selfish tosser and have bought into the belief that he is somehow more important than you. He is not! You are a unique, special person, there is only one of you and you deserve to have your wants and wishes taken into full consideration. He isn't doing that and will probably never do that. But, that is his loss. Start looking at the practicalities of leaving this selfish wankbag and building a new life, just for you.

Thank each and every one of you for your comments. I’m reading each one carefully and I know you are all completely right. I have some serious thinking to do, it’s all my adult life that needs to be unpicked and considered. I’m glad I posted though.

@Notsurewhatimdoinghere He absolutely doesn’t respect you and that says a lot about him but I also don’t think you have helped yourself here. He knows he can take the piss out of you because you let him. I don’t know anyone that would sit and wait outside for an hour. After 10-15 mins I would have gone. You have both fallen into the mindset that you don’t matter, you bow down to him and if you get annoyed he rolls his eyes and behaves as though you have done something wrong because in his eyes you have, you have dared to challenge his behaviour. You can’t change him but you can change yourself, stop bowing down to him and letting him walk all over you, if you don’t respect yourself then he never will. You deserve better.

I don’t know anyone that would sit and wait outside for an hour. After 10-15 mins I would have gone. ... You can’t change him but you can change yourself, stop bowing down to him and letting him walk all over you, if you don’t respect yourself then he never will.

I know this is well-intentioned advice, @Shapemyeyebrows , but trying to single-handedly reverse the dynamics in an abusive relationship like this is a bit like trying to change the course of a massive heavy ocean liner running at 30 knots. It is very hard to change the rules of the game that you've both been playing together for donkey's years, not least because you don't really believe that you have the right to do so.

It is very difficult to grasp a sense of your own value when you spend your life with someone who continuously erodes your self-worth.