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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fed up of husband after 11 years

4 replies

Joker93 · 26/06/2023 21:04

I’ll try not to make this too long, it’s just a typical ‘had enough’ scenario most likely, but I don’t know what to do. I have been with my husband almost 12 years… I got pregnant very young at 19, within a month or two of being together. It has always been rocky, he was very clingy at the start.. like VERY. I feel like I’ve tried to end things with him so many times, but he always manages to persuade me to stay it just ignores it and things just crack back into normal miserable life. He is just horrible, he moans about absolutely everything. Nothing I do is ever good enough, he wanted me to stop working recently and was really supportive of it, and the amount of times I’ve been called a lazy cow, get a f job if I want to have a day about money, it’s his money. The other day, I was talking and in a sentence said ‘J…and then another world’ can’t even remember what it was, but this is the beginning initial of my ex so he immediately thought that I was going to call him that. I wasn’t even saying his name for goodness sake. He went ballistic, called me a c* and everything. I think I have ADHD and I literally forget everything immediately so I really struggle to remember exactly what he does daily along these lines as he just managed to brush it off, and it angers me so much that I forget as I know how I felt in those moments. I ended up marrying him a few years ago, just following the course of the relationship, sometimes things are great… when we’re alone sometimes without the kids. I am so torn because I am attracted to him, he is a great dad ( when he isn’t using them to hurt me and he often asks them things about adult topics that they shouldn’t be involved in to try get them on his side) but I just feel exhausted and fed up of everything. He always argues in front of the children when i beg him not to. The worst thing is, everyone thinks he is the most perfect of perfect men. My family, my friends, anyone we come into contact with he is just Mr perfect.. but behind their backs he is VILE. He speaks so badly about everyone. He does help people a lot, but I have an earful about it every time. He can’t do anything without slagging people off or making a massive scene about everything. He turns nasty any time (once in a blue moon!!) I’m invited to do anything with a friend. The kids are emotional, and they have even spoken about things before in relation to other families etc, and gosh they say that will never happen to us and act like they’d be heartbroken. It would kill them… they think everything is fine. I have told him I want a divorce and every time I do, he’s sweet for a minute and tries to butter me up, but it all falls back to normal without a day. We are financially stable together obviously, and i don’t work at the moment ( I could work again any time though ). I’d just struggle so badly on my own.

OP posts:
Ermintrude77 · 27/06/2023 00:11

Hiya
You have said it yourself that your husband is vile, he definitely sounds it.
In your post you have said he
manipulates your children, and involves them in adult issues, is verbally abusive to you, is controlling and jealous when you want to go out, speaks badly about others and gaslights you by acting nice in front of others.
although you have a past and children and it’s this man and he will always be connected to you in that way, he doesn’t have to be your future. It sounds as though your first pregnancy was unplanned and the relationship has just continued from there.
Read your own post back and ask yourself if this is the man you want to grow old with.
good luck.

Greycloudlooming · 27/06/2023 00:45

I know you say that everyone thinks he’s Mr Perfect, but I’d imagine this isn’t the case at all. People tend to pick up on narcissistic behaviours such as you’ve described. They tend to tell the partner (you) they think “he’s lovely” etc just to ensure the partner is not turned against them. If they said “he’s horrendous” to you and he found out, he’d drive a wedge and cut you off from them this you’d be isolated with zero support, which is what he likely wants. They know this so buy into this facade of Mr Perfect to ensure when shit hits the fan, you aren’t estranged from them.

Your kids: they see you both arguing in front of them. They do not believe everything is ok and perfect and fine. They’d probably feel a tremendous wave of relief if you did leave him.

He is emotionally abusive. If I were in your position, I’d leave now. But he’s likely the type of man who is going to change his reality and tell everyone about it. Be prepared for him to tell everyone you were the abusive one. That you were lazy and treated him badly etc. He sounds like a narcissist so will likely have some poor mugs believe him. Just so you’re aware the likelihood of him being a civil and decent human while breaking up is slim to none. He’ll probably try and turn the kids against you too.

I am sorry you have had to put up with this. Some men are just c**ts.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 27/06/2023 00:50

He is most definitely not a good dad

mathanxiety · 27/06/2023 02:08

He is not even close to being a good dad. He is emotionally abusing the children and causing turmoil and fear in the family.

It is easy to think you have ADHD when you are being abused and gaslit. Your description of not being able to remember exact details of what happened in any given incident or argument but recalling exactly how you felt - that is how women feel when they are living with someone who is relentlessly critical, always contrary, never lets up with the pressure. It's how women feel when they are being emotionally and psychologically abused.

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