Feel ghosted/used

[cocoa2701]

Earlier this year I cut off contact with a very hot and cold man. I’ve been left feeling really confused over the entire dynamic, it would be helpful if anyone can share their perspective or has been in a similar situation.

We first started dating around 18 months prior to me cutting contact and he was incredibly full on and loving/caring to start with - was very keen for us to be exclusive and wanted to know that I wasn’t seeing anyone else. I did feel a genuine connection to this man - I know it sounds cheesy but it feels like he ticked every box, we used to speak on the phone everyday for hours, it felt like we had the same sense of humour and a real connection, he said he hasn’t felt this way about anyone before (I know it sounds like typical bullshit but I believed him at the time).

Then after a few months of this dynamic, he suddenly went cold on me for no apparent reason. He denied going cold but started ignoring my messages and cancelling dates last minute - but then he’d swing back around to being really full on and loving again, so it felt like I was always on edge and never knew what to expect.

That sort of cycle continued until I cut off contact permanently, but I’ve been left feeling really quite down about it all. It was so bizarre that he suddenly switched up his entire treatment of me, and went from supposedly wanting a future with me to suddenly being quite unpleasant, then swinging back around again on repeat. Even though we haven’t spoken for a few months now it still plays on my mind a lot, because I have no idea what on earth happened. I honestly thought this was the person I would settle down with, then he pulled the rug or would randomly be really cold and unkind.

I met his friends/family, had him on social media etc so I know he didn’t have a secret girlfriend or wife I didn’t know about. But I’m just not sure how to turn the page from this person, and would appreciate any tips. I know I made the right choice by cutting contact but now that’s starting to feel pointless since he’s still playing on my mind a lot!

I've experienced similar & it really messed with my head. I lost confidence in my judgement as the signals were so mixed. It's nearly 5 years ago & he still lurks at the back of my mind. Men like this are dangerous & going no contact is definitely the best way forward for your dignity & sanity.

That’s exactly how I feel @AppleBlossomTimeNow , like how could my judgement be so off? How could I feel something genuine and meaningful with someone who turned out to be so inconsistent and unpleasant. I haven’t even thought about dating again yet because I’m worried I might meet someone else who acts this way.

Bet they don't deserve you bae

There are a lot of people like this - it's emotional abuse. You'd never be able to have a healthy relationship with someone like this.

That’s the thing that gets you the most isn’t it? You question your own judgement, and it means you find it difficult to trust again.

I went through exactly the same before going no contact. The hardest thing for me to get my head around was me getting it so wrong. But they have a very convincing act, I had no reason to doubt mine - why would I? I’m a good person, I see the good in people. It wasn’t my failing.

I did a lot of reading up on abuse, trauma bonds, narcissistic abuse and ultimately I know it wasn’t me. It was him. The only thing I’m guilty of is ignoring a few amber flags in the beginning before they turned fully red. I won’t do that again, anyone who shows any signs of being hot or cold, who pulls back, any thing at all that makes me feel uncomfortable is gone. No second chances. I trust my instincts, and I trust that I will be just fine if I do encounter a dickhead again. That’s all I can do x

Just tough it out
stay no contact 100000%
enjoy the summer

you will think of him but it will get less and less

that’s the only way lovely , you will get there

he sounds like a total headfuck
some people are
time

I had the same experience except it was years ago when I’d just turned 19!! He was the same age. We were very on and off for about 3 years. He absolutely did my head in and I cut contact with him when I was 23 years old. At the time I was bewildered and infuriated by his behaviour. I still look back and wonder at how someone do young could be so controlling.

He sounds like an avoidant. It’s not your fault, it’s how he’s programmed. Unless he does some hard personal growth work, he’ll always be like this, wasting your time and never truly being in touch with his own feelings, nevermind yours.

I’ve been involved with a couple of them. It’s not worth it. They’ve fucked around every woman that came after me too, and are still single in their late 30s, and total workaholics. Once the initial buzz wears off, they’re scared of intimacy and back off. Don’t mistake that for being your chance to ‘fix’ them. It’s not your job.

I’ve had a few of these as well. Never have worked out why they do it.

Always a disaster, only place for them is in the bin 🗑️

Onwards and upwards lovely!

I dated a guy who did similar. Very keen at the start. Happy to arrange dates and texts lots. He went cold so I ignored. He went hot again so I got keen. Repeat pattern for a year. Had a conversation we were exclusive but I didn’t met anyone in his life.

I ended it as it affected my confidence. I doubted my ability to read someone - I felt I could tell the BS guys. He flipped through the net. I think it was because I wanted to be wrong and thought why doesn’t he like me.

We went NC for a year. Covid hit and random texts as bored. Few walks and got to know each other better. He is now a good friend in a random turn of events and he has this behaviour with everyone he dates so it’s not me. In a weird way it made me feel better. For him I tell him he is an idiot

They good old ‘it’s not you, it’s him’ is true with men like him. They are messed up and they mess up women they date.
You cannot be 100% sure you’ll never meet/date someone like that again, but you are better equipped now to recognise the warning signs earlier on and leave before their behaviour escalates.
Ultimately, such men are losers, never able to build true, meaningful connections with others. What a pointless life.

I don’t think your judgement was “off” at all OP. He changed. I think 18 months is around the make or break time in relationships, when the honeymoon phase wears off and people’s true selves start to show. Some people’s true selves are constant throughout. Other people put on a front, play down their bad points, at the start of a relationship – it sounds like that’s what he’s done. So the contrast was more obvious when he’d settled into his comfort zone, happy in the knowledge that he’d “won you over” so stopped making the effort.

Shot himself in the foot really didn’t he!

This is exactly why I'm so wary of love-bombing and anyone who goes out of their way to impress me. Guys - Just don't. Just be yourself. You trip yourselves up eventually so what's the point? (Yeah, I know, to get laid)