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Original poster

Web cam is cheating isn't it?

26 replies

Cornishqween · 26/06/2023 14:41

My husband has been using free web cam sites for a while now, I know this because I have checked his browsing history. I know I shouldn't have been, but I just had a feeling and wanted to see if something was off.

Today I checked again and he's used another 'free' web cam site.

I feel this that he is paying for something otherwise why would he use that instead of normal porn sites? I have no proof as he has lots of bank accounts that I don't access (credit cards and business accounts etc)

What's your opinion? Is this cheating?

OP posts:
IsThereAnEchoInHere · 26/06/2023 14:49

Some think it is, some think it’s not.
To my understanding plenty of men see it okey and ’just porn’.
And plenty of women think it’s too personal/talking is not okey/soending money on another women is a deal-breaker.

Personally, I don’t care if it’s cheating or not, man who watches porn/sex cams is a total deal-breaker in and off itself to me.

Have you two talked about these things? Ask him, does he think these sites are okey?

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:01

Yes.

How would he see it if you were doing it with male escorts?

I presume if it's free that he's watching but doesn't have the ability to "request" the sex worker does something because he's not paying. But nonetheless it's line and interactive.

Again, I'm sure he'd not be ok with you doing it with other men.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:01

*live and interactive

Original poster
Cornishqween · 26/06/2023 15:01

Thanks for your reply.

Porn is not a dealbreaker for me, as much as I'm not keen on the idea, I think I wouldn't feel as let down, but this is direct interaction.

We have had conversations as he feels we aren't intimate often enough and wants more. I am awaiting an operation in that area and am in pain most days, couple that with the fact I have two kids with disabilities and it is just not something I want to do all the time.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 26/06/2023 15:02

Yes it is cheating.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:03

To my understanding plenty of men see it okey and ’just porn’.
And plenty of women think it’s too personal/talking is not okey/soending money on another women is a deal-breaker.

Men like that would not see it that way of the tables were turned.

Just like they wouldn't see lap dances as ok if their partners were doing them with male strippers.

But they rarely face these things so they happily maintain their massive double standards, lack of empathy and hypocrisy.

Original poster
Cornishqween · 26/06/2023 15:04

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:01

Yes.

How would he see it if you were doing it with male escorts?

I presume if it's free that he's watching but doesn't have the ability to "request" the sex worker does something because he's not paying. But nonetheless it's line and interactive.

Again, I'm sure he'd not be ok with you doing it with other men.

This is my argument! It wouldn't be ok for me, although I think he'd try to argue that he wouldn't have a problem with it.

I also don't believe he isn't paying for them - we are financially well off and he's a serial money fritterer.

I think I'm going to approach it with him and say that I want the full truth and I'd like to see his statements. Is that too far??

OP posts:
doingthehokeykokey · 26/06/2023 15:05

You can go as far as you like OP.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:05

We have had conversations as he feels we aren't intimate often enough and wants more. I am awaiting an operation in that area and am in pain most days, couple that with the fact I have two kids with disabilities and it is just not something I want to do all the time.

Your circumstances are significant.

He can masturbate without having to go from non live, non Interactive porn to live, interactive sexual activity. He must know it's crossing a line .... Anyone who doesn't is either lying or tstl.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:06

It's not like you even have a problem with porn, like many posters on here do.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:07

I think he'd try to argue that he wouldn't have a problem with it

I don't believe that.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:08

I also don't believe he isn't paying for them - we are financially well off and he's a serial money fritterer

Even worse.

He's got a family with two kids with disabilities.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:10

You can demand to see his statements but is he going to stop?

Are you then going to overlook his statements on an ongoing basis?

He'll probably find ways to hide payments.

Wildflowermoon · 26/06/2023 15:12

5 years ago I discovered my husband was a big fan of porn, and had a history of interactive phone sex with apparently one go at webcam. We went through a lot at the time and I decided to forgive him, I trust that he no longer engages in interaction sex but does still watch porn which I’m ok with.

I will be honest I’m still really hurt about the phone and web sex and it still makes me feel down 5 years later, if you can live with this then leave it, but I might suggest you speak to him about it get some screen shots ready for when he denies it and ask him to stop immediately.

yellowsmileyface · 26/06/2023 15:19

It wouldn't be ok for me, although I think he'd try to argue that he wouldn't have a problem with it

It's easy not to have a problem with a hypothetical.

It doesn't really matter if we'd consider it cheating. In answer to your question, I wouldn't personally consider it cheating, nor do I consider viewing porn to be cheating. My issue with it is surrounding the ethics of porn and camming, which is why it would be a dealbreaker for me.

You're allowed to set your own boundaries and have your own dealbreakers. You're obviously not comfortable with this which is why you're posting here.

In terms of seeing his statements, I think you absolutely have a right to ask. But does it make a difference to you if he's paying for cam sites versus viewing them for free?

AngelasAirpods · 26/06/2023 15:27

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:06

It's not like you even have a problem with porn, like many posters on here do.

It would be better if the OP did. Less likely to put up with this type of crap from men if you’ve got a hardline against it.

fritters away money, looks at porn and webcams, what a keeper… what are his good qualities?

Original poster
Cornishqween · 26/06/2023 15:59

Wildflowermoon · 26/06/2023 15:12

5 years ago I discovered my husband was a big fan of porn, and had a history of interactive phone sex with apparently one go at webcam. We went through a lot at the time and I decided to forgive him, I trust that he no longer engages in interaction sex but does still watch porn which I’m ok with.

I will be honest I’m still really hurt about the phone and web sex and it still makes me feel down 5 years later, if you can live with this then leave it, but I might suggest you speak to him about it get some screen shots ready for when he denies it and ask him to stop immediately.

Sorry this has also happened to you.

I just don't know how to feel - for me a boundary has been crossed. I don't think I'll be able to let this lie and carry on. I think his reaction will be the dealbreaker.

I somehow feel stupid for checking up which in turn makes me look insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornishqween · 26/06/2023 16:01

yellowsmileyface · 26/06/2023 15:19

It wouldn't be ok for me, although I think he'd try to argue that he wouldn't have a problem with it

It's easy not to have a problem with a hypothetical.

It doesn't really matter if we'd consider it cheating. In answer to your question, I wouldn't personally consider it cheating, nor do I consider viewing porn to be cheating. My issue with it is surrounding the ethics of porn and camming, which is why it would be a dealbreaker for me.

You're allowed to set your own boundaries and have your own dealbreakers. You're obviously not comfortable with this which is why you're posting here.

In terms of seeing his statements, I think you absolutely have a right to ask. But does it make a difference to you if he's paying for cam sites versus viewing them for free?

It does make a difference because that seems to be even more involved. It's then a private chat and they can apparently go on camera too ( not that he will own up to that if he has done) .

Although I think they can still chat without paying cant theySad

Either way it's still cheating I guess

OP posts:
SOBplus · 26/06/2023 16:04

Everyone has their own definition of cheating. We have discussed and our agreed definition is anything more than a chaste kiss hello - if there is passion in a kiss its cheating and anything beyond that is most definitely cheating. I also know people who say oral sex isn't cheating, only coitus is. Every relationship is different and I would say its time for a talk to assess and agree the relationships' definition.

Original poster
Cornishqween · 26/06/2023 16:06

He sounds like a massive twat - which he definitely can be.

He does bring lots to the table, very driven, has his own business and this allows me to be able to pay for support that my kids desperately need. We can afford private reports which have meant they've skipped the 2 year long wait for NHS assessments. He's helped me battle to advocate for our eldest and with a tribunal we're dealing with when it got too much for me. I have mental health struggles because of the stress from the above, which he understands and supports me with.

Have no contact with my mum due to her being abusive and so we are really really close as a couple. Do everything together, share hobbies etc. it's why I feel so gutted he's done this. Think if we are going to get through it we'll need some therapy.

OP posts:
IsThereAnEchoInHere · 26/06/2023 16:08

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 15:03

To my understanding plenty of men see it okey and ’just porn’.
And plenty of women think it’s too personal/talking is not okey/soending money on another women is a deal-breaker.

Men like that would not see it that way of the tables were turned.

Just like they wouldn't see lap dances as ok if their partners were doing them with male strippers.

But they rarely face these things so they happily maintain their massive double standards, lack of empathy and hypocrisy.

Yep.

And call women who won’t put up with the disrespect all sorts of names.
I would laugh if it wasn’t so sad.

Original poster
Cornishqween · 26/06/2023 16:09

SOB I agree a peck on the cheek is fine but oral sex for me would 100% be cheating ShockI can't imagine someone being ok with that.
I guess it depends on what you agree on - we've never really had that chat, other than agreeing that any sort of touching (be that kissing, oral etc) is not ok. I never even knew this cam thing existed

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 26/06/2023 16:14

Therapy doesnt really change someone's core values and integrity; wherein they think it's ok/ give themselves permission to have sexual interaction with women other than their partner (in a monogamous relationship).

Well adjusted/decent people don't really need told/need it explained not to do that.

if you get counselling for yourself however ...

JaninaDuszejko · 26/06/2023 17:34

Paying for something that should only be freely and enthusiastically consented to is the red flag. Your husband thinks of women's bodies like commodities that access to can be bought and sold. For me this would be a dealbreaker, he sees women as lesser than him. That can't be got over with by couples therapy.

Dotcheck · 26/06/2023 17:38

You get to decide the difference between ‘cheating’ and ‘betrayal’.

Many seem to feel cheating is not ok, but betrayal is. I’m not sure why.

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