Told a couple of stupid lies early on in my relationship. Should I confess my past?

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Context: When I was 17-20 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a total depressed narc who left me with seriously low self esteem, self loathing and anxiety problems. He made me feel like I had no self worth, useless, a hindrance to everyone and nothing great or special about me. It was awful and I luckily escaped after realising I was becoming a horrible person that I didn't recognise with him, my parents hated him and my relationship with them was going sour. I wasn't myself and felt physically ill with stress every day. During this relationship I developed a bad habit of lying to strangers, cab drivers whilst I was out drinking, it sort of became a weird coping mechanism for me to escape my ever so shit life as I felt like I had nothing going for me. I know its weird, but the escape gave me a good feeling. It was never anything serious, just things like where I grew up, things I had done, my job. Nothing about anyone else or serious things. I noticed I would do it when I was feeling particularly anxious or felt like I didn't know where to take the conversation, or if I felt like I seemed boring. (lots of negative self talk back then) I luckily grew out of this habit towards the end of this messed up relationship, and it was also down to maturing I think as well.

I am now with my boyfriend who I have been with for many years, he is wonderful and we have a great relationship. Been there for each other through everything and tough times- things like miscarriage, mental health issues for both of us, but never anything caused by another. He is my rock. My issue is that very early on in our dating period I had that weird urge to lie after a lot of drinks and have exaggerated 2 stories. I told him I had been with my parents on a trip to somewhere that is quite impressive as my dad went with work, (that is actually true) I just didn't go with them. I also word vommed about breaking my wrist when I was a kid, again this is true but for some reason i exaggerated it and said I had surgery. Another dumb drunk impulse comment. I have been so embarrassed and ashamed about it, I have just never confessed that they aren't 100% true. I still suffer massively with anxiety and every time I feel close to telling him about this weird phase in my life, I get a huge fear of him abandoning me thinking I am a freak. I have never done it again since then after the shame I felt, and we have never had any sort of trust issues. I hate myself so much for it but so scared he will think im a weirdo. Any advice how to approach this?

Leave the past in the past
and forgive yourself more importantly

everyone has a past and everyone has mental health issue to a degree

why is it playing on your mind ?
can’t you put it away as just some weird shot that happened

I would leave that in the past. It doesn't affect him at all. If something does come up you can say you were trying to impress him - treat it as a joke.

I did ty to ignore it for a while and sort of forgot about it hoping he would as well. He then once brought up in front of some new people that I had been to said place I told him I had been. I then remembered and felt like an absolute idiot.

Honestly, these aren't big terrible awful lies, they're minor in the scheme of things. He loves you and it will be fine if you tell him I'm sure but it's so trivial I'm not sure you need to.

'I would leave that in the past. It doesn't affect him at all. If something does come up you can say you were trying to impress him - treat it as a joke.'

Yes I have considered this as well. I don't know I just feel really guilty about it, if it came up it would be pretty embarrassing even to treat it as a joke.

If you ever get tripped up, can you not just say you got mixed up with another story and leave it at that? We don't have perfect memories and exaggerate from time to time. Or just say, no my dad went, you must be mixed up with the time I said I went to xxx and just claim bad memory.

You only exaggerated/embellished about the wrist. The holiday if ever mentioned in front of anyone, or him, again I would play down and say you can't remember it well now. You could explain to your parents in case he ever mentioned in front of them, but there's probably no need.

You're being very hard on yourself. Sounds trite and a cliche but forgive yourself and move on. It's not as bad as you think.

@frannytree I think the holiday is the one that I am worried about. I feel like it could easily come up in front of my parents and they would not lie about it. In fact they would probably make it worse and embarrass me further. Thanks though, your message did make me feel a bit better!

I’d just tell him. Explain it like you’ve done here.
Not because it’s a actually a big deal but because you’ve built it up as a massive thing in your head and he will most likely be glad you told him but not be particularly bothered but you will feel a massive weight lifted off you.

@Trisolaris thank you. He knows about my ex and how much it affected me I just haven't ever told anyone about this as its kind of embarrassing. I just don't want him to think of me differently

Let him read your post - or a copy and paste version - you’ve explained it beautifully! He’ll probably call you a silly sausage and give you a hug.

If it ever comes up say 'gosh, I could have sworn I went with you, what am I like'...or 'gosh, I could have sworn I had surgery, what am I like'. And stop worrying about it.

I've done the same thing! I said I had broken my arm falling off a skateboard as a teen. 1/ I have NEVER been on a skateboard 2/ I have NEVER broken my arm. 20 years on he would never remember I said this. He also wouldn't care. The odd thing is that he actively disliked skater girls but in my head I thought they were cool (thanks Avril Lavigne!)

Leave it in the past, learn from it and laugh at yourself rather than beat yourself up.

@Diddykong haha that’s funny. Did you never worry it would ever come up around your family? That’s what I get so stressed about. My parents would make a huge deal out of it if it came up, especially my mum. She’s quite negative irrational in the way she speaks sometimes. I know I need to forgive myself, I think it’s more because I’ve kept it up over the years. He asked me once about the surgery and I just said oh I can’t really remember

No, dh is a quiet sort. He speaks when he's spoken to but wouldn't start conversations or continue them unnecessarily.

Just tell him! 'DP years & years ago when we were first together, I really wanted to impress you & on a couple of occasions I exaggerated the truth & it's still really bothering me, so I'd like to come clean....

then anything other than you having an orgy with the towns rugby team is going to seem like quite a relief to him!

one Ex (wanting to impress me - he was young!!) told me he'd had sex with a couple of girls(not together!) then awkwardly we ended up in a sports club with one of them & all being young hung out together & got quite close. This girl & I were friendly and something came up about 'Dave' and I said something like 'well, you'd know...' and it came out, that they hadn't in fact slept together. It got a bit messy, but I saw it for what it was & yours was far lesser a relationship thing. Just confess.

It's very minor and it's in the past, but it's obviously bothering you so I would tell him. Tell him what you've told us.

I made up a lie to gain sympathy when I first met DH. I confessed 20+y later when we were un conversation about someone else who made up a lie fir sympathy.

My confession prompted DH who it seemed had also even wanting to confess to a lie he made up for sympathy when we first met.

Both out in the open now. It was no big deal

The wrist story could easily be you just misremembering something as children do so please do t worry about that. If it ever cropped up, laugh and say you're sure you had surgery but maybe you got mixed up with a tv show or children's book that had that scenario.

As for the holiday, is that really likely to crop up? If it does you turn it around and say you must have been drunk when you said that and was talking crap and you must have meant another holiday.

You will tie yourself in knots worrying about this. Please let it all go and live for the now and the happiness that is today and tomorrow.

@EllaRaines you’re right about the wrist. I think I can probably get out of that one.

as for the holiday, it did come up once around someone who said they wanted to visit there. My OH said ‘she’s been when she was a kid!’ I felt like such an idiot and just went along with it. I think it’s why I feel so bad about it.

You've been with this man for many years, he already knows you're a weirdo. He may even know the specific ways.

I know DP hates her knees, despite her never telling me. I know that she never sings in front of me because I took the piss a month into our relationship and despite trying to fix it, I permanently dented her confidence. She knows I know this and that I hate myself for it. She knows that the idea of burning to death is my biggest fear and that TV shows that show it make me feel deeply ill. We've discussed none of these things, we just know them.

Your partner knows your history, he probably knows you tell these little lies, and why you do it. He probably doesn't know the two specific little lies, but he might. What he won't want if he loves you is for you to be tearing yourself up over stupid little innocuous things. So tell him, if he knows you, he'll understand.